You know the line. It's based on a phenomenon we have all experienced. Someone says, "Don't think of pink elephants" and the only thing you can think of is pink elephants. Even worse, each time you check in with your brain to make sure you aren't thinking about them, lo and behold, you are!
This is the best way I can describe the experience of the TWW. You do everything you can to not think about it (work helps), but once you have a free minute, it's the first thing you think about. My world is full of questions. Is it working? Is that a twinge? Is cramping normal? Is the fact that I'm tired all the time an early sign or just my body being worn out from all the shots and hormones? Did I eat the right things today? Have I done anything that I shouldn't have? Did having my shot a little early/late cause any problems? What will the results be? How will I handle them? Has sharing my journey entitled others to know the results as soon as I know them, or can I take time to process them (good or bad) before sharing? Even if it's positive, can I allow myself to get excited, or should I wait until after the first trimester when the chance of miscarriage is greatly reduced?
I have obsessively Googled how long implantation takes after transfer (this varies a great deal not only depending on whether you have a day 2/3 embryo transfer or a day 4/5 blastocyst transfer, but on each individual person) and what signs I might expect (any and everything including nothing at all). The truth is, after all the Googling, I have no answers; only more questions. So I have stopped Googling and am trying to ignore my body and just go about my day. It doesn't always work, but each morning I wake up, I'm one day closer to my Beta test. I may not be free of my pink elephant, but I learned that I don't have to feed it.
3.09.2010
3.05.2010
A Thankful Heart
Having been on bed rest for the last two days, I have done lots of thinking (because there isn't much else to do). As I told my mother last night when she called, bed rest is torture to me. There's stuff I could be doing! Don't get me wrong. I love lounging, and could probably lounge all day without getting up if I CHOSE to. But being ORDERED to stay put is something entirely different, and my independence fights against being told that I have to. You'd have to ask Phil to be certain, but I think I've done pretty good.
Anyway, we'll start with the update. Transfer yesterday went very well. Of the 12 fertilized eggs, only 11 survived to become 4-celled embryos. Of those 11, they transferred 2 and froze 9. They also gave us a picture of the two embryos they transferred. I cannot even begin to tell you what it felt like to see them. What's more, I hadn't expected to feel like I did when it was over; knowing that they are in there--tiny potential children. It's rather mind boggling.
But the other thing that has occurred to me over the last two days is how lucky I am. I am lucky that Phil and I were able to get a loan to try IVF. I am lucky to have a job with vacation and sick leave and the ability to work at home every now and again. I am lucky to have friends and family who love and support me. I have never felt more loved and supported than I have throughout this process. Whatever the outcome of all of this, I have received an irreplaceable and invaluable gift. Whether its hugs, prayers, emails, notes on Facebook, surprise pick-me-up presents, whatever, I have received a tangible expression of love and support that I will never forget. So thank you, for all that you have given me. I am blessed and grateful.
Anyway, we'll start with the update. Transfer yesterday went very well. Of the 12 fertilized eggs, only 11 survived to become 4-celled embryos. Of those 11, they transferred 2 and froze 9. They also gave us a picture of the two embryos they transferred. I cannot even begin to tell you what it felt like to see them. What's more, I hadn't expected to feel like I did when it was over; knowing that they are in there--tiny potential children. It's rather mind boggling.
But the other thing that has occurred to me over the last two days is how lucky I am. I am lucky that Phil and I were able to get a loan to try IVF. I am lucky to have a job with vacation and sick leave and the ability to work at home every now and again. I am lucky to have friends and family who love and support me. I have never felt more loved and supported than I have throughout this process. Whatever the outcome of all of this, I have received an irreplaceable and invaluable gift. Whether its hugs, prayers, emails, notes on Facebook, surprise pick-me-up presents, whatever, I have received a tangible expression of love and support that I will never forget. So thank you, for all that you have given me. I am blessed and grateful.
3.03.2010
The Eye of the Storm
Today being the day between procedures, I thought I would take a little time and reflect on things I have learned over the past few days:
1. Phil is good at giving IM shots.
2. IM shots don't hurt when you get them, but if you fail to rub them and put a heat pack on them, the injection site will be extremely sore for at least two days after the fact.
3. Changing sides every other day for IM injections only works if you remember #2.
4. Valium doesn't do much for me.
5. Versed is a great drug--when it works.
6. Retrieval is a ridiculously painful experience. (See #5).
7. I have NO intention of ever going through retrieval again. (See #5 & 6).
8. The center harvested 15 eggs, two of which were immature. Of the 13 mature eggs, 12 fertilized. So, we're in great shape for transfer tomorrow.
9. If we decide to do this again (either because we were unsuccessful or because we want siblings), #7 still stands, because #8 means there's plenty left over for a frozen cycle.
10. Tylenol does not kill pain like Aleve, but it's better than nothing.
11. You can never have too many snuggly blankets.
12. Surprise flowers (especially Iris) make any day better (Thanks, Margaret & Dale).
13. Support makes a difference, and I am extremely grateful for all of yours.
1. Phil is good at giving IM shots.
2. IM shots don't hurt when you get them, but if you fail to rub them and put a heat pack on them, the injection site will be extremely sore for at least two days after the fact.
3. Changing sides every other day for IM injections only works if you remember #2.
4. Valium doesn't do much for me.
5. Versed is a great drug--when it works.
6. Retrieval is a ridiculously painful experience. (See #5).
7. I have NO intention of ever going through retrieval again. (See #5 & 6).
8. The center harvested 15 eggs, two of which were immature. Of the 13 mature eggs, 12 fertilized. So, we're in great shape for transfer tomorrow.
9. If we decide to do this again (either because we were unsuccessful or because we want siblings), #7 still stands, because #8 means there's plenty left over for a frozen cycle.
10. Tylenol does not kill pain like Aleve, but it's better than nothing.
11. You can never have too many snuggly blankets.
12. Surprise flowers (especially Iris) make any day better (Thanks, Margaret & Dale).
13. Support makes a difference, and I am extremely grateful for all of yours.
2.27.2010
The Facts Are These...
The doctor decided I should wait one more day before triggering, so tonight was my last set of Gonal-F and Lupron injections. Tomorrow night, Phil will give me the trigger injection, which is a massive dose of HCG. Monday will be a shot-free day. Hallelujah! Tuesday will be retrieval and Thursday will be transfer. Based on my age, they will transfer two embryos. There is a 54% success rate (my doctor describes this as the "take-home baby" rate, not just a positive pregnancy test) and within that 54%, a 30% chance of twins (which calculates out to about a 15% chance of twins).
What does all this mean? Well, short term, I'm on full bed rest Thursday and Friday, post-transfer, which I plan to spend reading and sleeping. Then I enter the dreaded two-week wait (TWW), where every gas bubble and twinge gets over-analyzed and there's nothing to do but wait. I can't do any home pregnancy tests prior to 3/16 because they will register a false positive based on the HCG trigger shot. During the TWW, I have to have daily progesterone shots. On 3/16, I'll have a blood pregnancy test. If it's positive, they'll do another one two days later to determine whether the pregnancy is viable and, if so, whether it's multiples. If the blood tests are positive, I will continue doing the progesterone shots for roughly another month and then get transferred back to my OB-GYN. If they aren't positive, then Phil and I have a lot to process and think about.
So, that's where we are. Many thanks to those of you who have been and continue to support us. We'll need that (and my Feel Better Bucket) to get through these next few weeks.
What does all this mean? Well, short term, I'm on full bed rest Thursday and Friday, post-transfer, which I plan to spend reading and sleeping. Then I enter the dreaded two-week wait (TWW), where every gas bubble and twinge gets over-analyzed and there's nothing to do but wait. I can't do any home pregnancy tests prior to 3/16 because they will register a false positive based on the HCG trigger shot. During the TWW, I have to have daily progesterone shots. On 3/16, I'll have a blood pregnancy test. If it's positive, they'll do another one two days later to determine whether the pregnancy is viable and, if so, whether it's multiples. If the blood tests are positive, I will continue doing the progesterone shots for roughly another month and then get transferred back to my OB-GYN. If they aren't positive, then Phil and I have a lot to process and think about.
So, that's where we are. Many thanks to those of you who have been and continue to support us. We'll need that (and my Feel Better Bucket) to get through these next few weeks.
2.25.2010
Make 'Em Laugh
I am a planner. It's what I do. I like to project into the future and see if I'm on target. Anytime something changes, I reassess my plan and see what adjustments I need to make to get back on goal. They say if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. God has been getting quite a few chuckles from me recently.
I went in for my second ultrasound and blood test today. Although I had intended to keep myself in the dark, the tech took it upon herself to tell me what she was looking for, what they wanted to see, and what I had. So much for keeping myself in the dark so I wouldn't obsess. Well, I apparently have lots of follicles on both sides, and three on each side are close to the magic size (20mm in case you were wondering). So, when the nurse called me this afternoon with my plan, they kept my meds exactly the same, but I am scheduled for what is likely my last ultrasound and blood test on Saturday, and it will be at the fertility center with the doctor. Obviously, it will depend on what they see, but it looks like retrieval and transfer will happen early next week, instead of late next week. That's what I get for putting in my $.02 about only have to take two days off of work. Not that any of this will make me any less likely to plan, mind you. After all, they say laughter is good medicine. And given everything going on in the world, God probably needs a few laughs.
I went in for my second ultrasound and blood test today. Although I had intended to keep myself in the dark, the tech took it upon herself to tell me what she was looking for, what they wanted to see, and what I had. So much for keeping myself in the dark so I wouldn't obsess. Well, I apparently have lots of follicles on both sides, and three on each side are close to the magic size (20mm in case you were wondering). So, when the nurse called me this afternoon with my plan, they kept my meds exactly the same, but I am scheduled for what is likely my last ultrasound and blood test on Saturday, and it will be at the fertility center with the doctor. Obviously, it will depend on what they see, but it looks like retrieval and transfer will happen early next week, instead of late next week. That's what I get for putting in my $.02 about only have to take two days off of work. Not that any of this will make me any less likely to plan, mind you. After all, they say laughter is good medicine. And given everything going on in the world, God probably needs a few laughs.
2.24.2010
IVF Husband 101
As the Mrs. is going through her various medications which regulate her body so that IVF can work, she has written about finally understanding what people mean by mood swings. As her hubby, I have been a rather constant, if usually low grade, irritant to her anyway. But when her meds are working and the hormones are flowing it is important for me to maintain my equilibrium so that I don't take personally what is shot-induced so that I can be there for her and I can not add to the difficulties.
Some things I have found helpful:
1. If you have a settled routine, now is not the time to break it. I don't mean ignoring your beloved for the sake of Monday Night Football simply because you watch it every week. I mean keep to that which helps you balance your life. If you are not a "settled routine" type, now is probably not when you are going to start. Recognize what charges your batteries and what drains them and balance as best you can.
2. Invest in your spirituality. Take the time to pray. Or meditate. Or do yoga. Or drum. Or go to Men's Group at church. Or Bible Study. Or coffee with the guys. Or whatever it is that helps you reconnect beyond yourself both with other people and with God.
3. Dote, but give her space. Make sure your beloved has what she needs, and what she wants, because she is carrying the burden of bodily and emotional funkiness. This will become even more true with pregnancy. But don't hover. Be supportive by being yourself and being there for her, but recognize that she will need time for herself and time together. Knowing the difference is good.
4. Relax and recreate in healthy ways. You will need time for yourself, time to unwind, time with the guys, time to not stare at calendars and schedules and meds. You probably know the difference between healthy ways and unhealthy ways of doing this. If not, this blog won't help. Choose the healthy ones more often. Your own health will be important both in order to be around as a father, and to model it for your kids. After all, that is the point of all this.
5. Discuss your concerns, hopes, fears, anxieties, joys and all that touchy-feely stuff with your beloved. Being honest about where you are with being a parent or going through IVF will help her be honest about where she is. If both of you are harboring reservations for fear that the other will be disappointed or worried, it is going to be a rocky road. If you never tell your beloved your hopes, she may feel alone in all of this turmoil when the hormones are turning the amp up to 11. If you aren't already communicating with each other, what in the world are you going to do when a child plays divide and conquer?
6. Make your mistakes, say you are sorry, and forgive. Now is not the time for perfection. We are lousy at it under normal circumstances, and this is certainly not normal. The more forgiveness, the more connection. The more connection, the more forgiveness. Both are important for partners and for parents.
7. Love her. As naive as King Arthur was in the musical Camelot, he knew part of the right answer. When asked, "How to handle a woman?" he answered, "Love her. Simply love her. Truly love her." And tell her.
Not much new here. Most of this is about being healthy anyway. As important as it is to be stable for her during her mood swings, it is just as important to be balanced for yourself.
Some things I have found helpful:
1. If you have a settled routine, now is not the time to break it. I don't mean ignoring your beloved for the sake of Monday Night Football simply because you watch it every week. I mean keep to that which helps you balance your life. If you are not a "settled routine" type, now is probably not when you are going to start. Recognize what charges your batteries and what drains them and balance as best you can.
2. Invest in your spirituality. Take the time to pray. Or meditate. Or do yoga. Or drum. Or go to Men's Group at church. Or Bible Study. Or coffee with the guys. Or whatever it is that helps you reconnect beyond yourself both with other people and with God.
3. Dote, but give her space. Make sure your beloved has what she needs, and what she wants, because she is carrying the burden of bodily and emotional funkiness. This will become even more true with pregnancy. But don't hover. Be supportive by being yourself and being there for her, but recognize that she will need time for herself and time together. Knowing the difference is good.
4. Relax and recreate in healthy ways. You will need time for yourself, time to unwind, time with the guys, time to not stare at calendars and schedules and meds. You probably know the difference between healthy ways and unhealthy ways of doing this. If not, this blog won't help. Choose the healthy ones more often. Your own health will be important both in order to be around as a father, and to model it for your kids. After all, that is the point of all this.
5. Discuss your concerns, hopes, fears, anxieties, joys and all that touchy-feely stuff with your beloved. Being honest about where you are with being a parent or going through IVF will help her be honest about where she is. If both of you are harboring reservations for fear that the other will be disappointed or worried, it is going to be a rocky road. If you never tell your beloved your hopes, she may feel alone in all of this turmoil when the hormones are turning the amp up to 11. If you aren't already communicating with each other, what in the world are you going to do when a child plays divide and conquer?
6. Make your mistakes, say you are sorry, and forgive. Now is not the time for perfection. We are lousy at it under normal circumstances, and this is certainly not normal. The more forgiveness, the more connection. The more connection, the more forgiveness. Both are important for partners and for parents.
7. Love her. As naive as King Arthur was in the musical Camelot, he knew part of the right answer. When asked, "How to handle a woman?" he answered, "Love her. Simply love her. Truly love her." And tell her.
Not much new here. Most of this is about being healthy anyway. As important as it is to be stable for her during her mood swings, it is just as important to be balanced for yourself.
2.23.2010
A Lack of Control
Things went well Monday, best I can tell. My doctor kept my meds at the same level for the next 3 days. I am scheduled for another ultrasound and blood work on Thursday morning. At Monday's visit, the ultrasound tech(nurse?) indicated that I had more than 7 follicles on my right ovary and she also found some on the left. She described them as "fair good-sized." I have refrained from asking how many I "should" have, what size they are/should be, and what my estradiol levels are/should be. The truth is, I can't do anything to change what's going on and I'm paying my doctor to know what he's doing. So, I am going to trust in the doctor and leave myself in the dark. It gives me fewer things to obsess about, and that's a good thing. But that doesn't mean it's easy for me to relinquish control.
Also in the losing control category, I've been on stims for 5 days now and I am well into the mood swings. I fly of the handle for small things or, even if it's something reasonable to be upset about, my response is way out of proportion. I haven't done much crying (although I have felt close a few times). Most of my problems stem from my temper. I am working hard to keep my stress levels down, but flying off the handle and getting angry is counter productive. The most frustrating part is that my rational mind knows I'm being unreasonable, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. I just have to ride the wave. I am getting better about saying fewer stupid things. I may be absolutely fuming, but I won't say a word until I am back under control. This is an amazing feat for me since I tend to have trouble keeping quiet about anything, but it keeps me from saying things I know I don't mean or will regret. It requires a lot fewer apologies. Needless to say, I have dipped into my bucket more frequently for candy and watched a lot more movies to make myself feel better and calm myself down, but it's definitely worth it.
Anyway, unless my body is super speedy, the most likely schedule is that I'll have ultrasounds and blood work done Thursday, Saturday and Monday, have a trigger shot on the 2nd, retrieval on the 4th and transfer on the 6th. Personally, I like this schedule because it only requires two days off of work. However, in some ways, I'd like for it to happen sooner, if only to get off stims! But, my new mantra is, it will be what it will be--both the process and the outcome. For now, I'm working on taking things a day at a time and taking pride in getting through each shot, each mood swing, each whatever. There's always a chance that, if we're successful, some of these lessons will transfer over to make me a better parent. Lord knows, once you have children, you are no longer in control. Perhaps it's better that I learn this lesson now.
Also in the losing control category, I've been on stims for 5 days now and I am well into the mood swings. I fly of the handle for small things or, even if it's something reasonable to be upset about, my response is way out of proportion. I haven't done much crying (although I have felt close a few times). Most of my problems stem from my temper. I am working hard to keep my stress levels down, but flying off the handle and getting angry is counter productive. The most frustrating part is that my rational mind knows I'm being unreasonable, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. I just have to ride the wave. I am getting better about saying fewer stupid things. I may be absolutely fuming, but I won't say a word until I am back under control. This is an amazing feat for me since I tend to have trouble keeping quiet about anything, but it keeps me from saying things I know I don't mean or will regret. It requires a lot fewer apologies. Needless to say, I have dipped into my bucket more frequently for candy and watched a lot more movies to make myself feel better and calm myself down, but it's definitely worth it.
Anyway, unless my body is super speedy, the most likely schedule is that I'll have ultrasounds and blood work done Thursday, Saturday and Monday, have a trigger shot on the 2nd, retrieval on the 4th and transfer on the 6th. Personally, I like this schedule because it only requires two days off of work. However, in some ways, I'd like for it to happen sooner, if only to get off stims! But, my new mantra is, it will be what it will be--both the process and the outcome. For now, I'm working on taking things a day at a time and taking pride in getting through each shot, each mood swing, each whatever. There's always a chance that, if we're successful, some of these lessons will transfer over to make me a better parent. Lord knows, once you have children, you are no longer in control. Perhaps it's better that I learn this lesson now.
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