Progress Report

Today we went to the doctor for an ultrasound to check both baby's growth as well as placenta placement. The growth checks are because we used IVF. Studies have shown that IVF babies are more likely to have low birth weight, so they check growth progress. Our little girl is now 2 lbs, 15 ozs--she's in the 76th percentile and measuring about a week ahead of schedule. She had the hiccups during the ultrasound--I couldn't feel them, but it was cute to watch.

There was mixed news on the placenta front. The good news was that it had moved up. Last time it was partial-previa, indicating it was partially covering the cervix. Now, it is 1 cm away, which classifies it as "low lying." They will check me again in 6 weeks to see if it's moved anymore. The goal is to have it at least 2 cm away. If it reaches that point, then they will let me try natural childbirth rather than scheduling a c-section. So, yea for movement, but we need more.

On the preparation front, things are going smoothly. We started prenatal classes and have scheduled a hospital visit. This coming week we will finish cleaning out the nursery and get it painted. Then we will start moving things into the room, like the bookcase and the rocking chair. Also arriving this week are a crib and changing table, courtesy of Phil's parents. Thanks to hand-me-downs, we are totally set on clothes and bibs. Between the huge bag of clothes from my cousin and the three tubs of clothes from Phil's sister, we are more than set. We also got a huge tubs of books. I am so grateful for everyone's generosity.

I waffle between wanting to have my daughter here right now and knowing that it is much better for her to continue to bake. But, all in all, things are going well and feeling more real.

Getting to Plan

So, as many of you know, I like to plan. Ok, I love to plan. So, imagine my surprise when I discovered that there's something called a birth plan. This was about the most exciting thing I had heard. It was not only something I could do while waiting for the weeks to pass by, but I could plan! I knew that my week 32 visit would include a discussion with my nurse practitioner to go over my "plan" and put it in my chart, so I wanted to be prepared. I did what I imagine most people do--I Googled "birth plan." Yowzers, are there lots of results. Ultimately, I found what I thought was a good site and began to look around. They had this nice checklist of things--do you want an epidural (yes), an episotomy (no), special music (how should I know), etc. I didn't quite understand all the options, so I didn't make an "official" plan at that point, but I certainly thought I was well on my way. I began to feel slightly smug--Look at me, I am informed and I have a plan. Then, my friend posted a link to an article about birth plans. Imagine my surprise when the first tidbit of advice was:

1) A birth plan does not replace the need for birth preparation.

Going to an online “birth plan mill” and checking off a bunch of boxes (“yes” to the epidural! “no” to the episiotomy!) is not the same as preparing for birth.

Ack! I thought to myself. This is precisely what I have done. As I continued to read the article, I realized that I was doing precisely the wrong things. I wasn't exactly researching my options, which is really the point behind birth plans. I found a link at the end of the article to a blog called Nursing Birth. It's written by a labor and delivery nurse, and she had two great posts about birth plans: Writing your birth plan and Top 10 Dos. I found her tips extremely instructive. She also provided links to other great sites with sample birth plans. Ultimately, I distilled all the information from various sources down into four main points:

1) It is better to call this document "birth preferences," rather than a "birth plan," because it helps us all remember that birth pretty much happens the way it will and there's not much you can do about it (a VERY important point for us control freaks). The point is really to have done the research ahead of time, so that it doesn't all have to be explained to you while you are in pain and/or on drugs.

2) You are better off selecting a practitioner that already automatically does 90% of the things you want. Spending more time researching and selecting the right practitioner for you will provide better results than a detailed birth plan, because you won't be fighting an uphill battle. It also means that you can include fewer things in the plan, because they are already SOP for your provider.

3) Make it a single page and only include the most important things. To me, I inferred that this also meant, if you don't really have a preference, don't include it.

4) Make it personal. Above all else, don't just copy someone else's plan and make sure you know exactly what it means to have made the selections you have made.

Armed with this information, I did what I do best. Research! I went to lots of sites and discovered that there are lots of things I don't really care about one way or the other. There are other things, however, that I didn't even know I had a choice about, but quickly discovered I had a preference for or against. Putting this research in context with viewing various sample plans, I was able to craft one that I think really suits me. Phil and I then discussed and adjusted it until we understood why we had made the choices we made and were in agreement (another important point). I am still open to persuasion on some of these issues and we may change our minds about some things as time goes by, or discover additional information we didn't have before, but at least we have something to take to the doctor's visit to start the conversation. Always a good thing in my book.

At this point, I feel more in control and more informed. Both good things. But I think the most important lesson from all of this is, don't plan. The truth is, my daughter will arrive when she is good and ready, and I have no control over that. I also can't control whether I will be able to birth naturally or need a C-section. The only thing I can control is how knowledgeable I am about my choices so that when the time comes, I make them with informed consent. It's not much, but for a control freak/planner like me, I'll take what I can get. Bring on the knowledge!

Just for Kicks

Well, my daughter has finally made her presence known. Not only can I feel her move, but I can see her kick. It was crazy the first time it happened. I was resting my hands on my stomach when, suddenly, one of them jumped. I looked down and, sure enough, my stomach was moving by itself. Crazy! Phil managed to experience one of these kicks as well--which is good, because ever since then, she's been messing with him. She'll be kicking me pretty good, but the minute he puts his hand on my belly to feel, she stops. She's already an independent-minded little bugger. Wonder where she gets that from? :)

We've also reached a new milestone this week--viability. If born now, she has at least a 40% chance of survival. That, to me, is amazing. Even so, it is my fervent hope that she stays in the oven to bake a while longer. It's strange. Some days, November can't get here fast enough. Other days, I can't believe it's August and wonder where the time went.

I was talking with a friend at lunch today, and was surprised to realize it hasn't even been a year since I was told I couldn't have biological kids without fertility treatments. In fact, my daughter is due roughly a year from our first visit to the fertility center. Looking back on what I've been through this past year, I'm amazed. Not only at myself and what I've accomplished in terms of personal growth (and I don't just mean my stomach), but amazed at how everything lined up exactly right. From finding an amazing, top 5% fertility center fairly nearby, finding a way to get a loan, our IVF cycle being moved up so I'm not due at Christmas, and being successful on the first try. It seems clear with hindsight that this was meant to be, but having read so many stories of women who undergo 4 or more cycles unsuccessfully, I remember being so afraid. I feel extremely blessed that I was not only successful, but on the first try. I am also grateful for having had a remarkably easy and uneventful pregnancy thus far. My life is truly full of blessings. These days, all it takes is a little kick to remind me.

Waiting For a Message

Tuesday was ultrasound day. It was absolutely amazing to see my daughter flipping around, sucking her finger, yawning, and trying to hide her face while the u/s tech tried to get a good picture. She's 12 oz, putting her in the 54%. I was initially concerned she wasn't bigger, until I remembered she has to come out--average is good! They said she had a small nose and Phil and I joked that the fertility center must have given us the wrong embryo because neither of us has genes for that. We'll have to wait and see if she comes with curly, red hair.

They were also able to explain why I hadn't felt her move yet--my placenta is anterior, meaning it attached to the front of the uterus, so it acts as a cushion keeping me from feeling her kicks and turns. They said I should feel something in a few more weeks. My doctor also advised that I have placenta previa, meaning it's attached down low, very close to the cervix. At this point, it's nothing to worry about because 1 in 3 pregnancies experiences this at 20 weeks. However, if it doesn't "move up" as my uterus grows, then I may have to have a c-section. Luckily, less than 1% of pregnancies still have this problem at delivery, so I'm feeling very positive. I'm scheduled for another ultrasound in 8 weeks to see if it's moving.

For those of you keeping track, the general message I received was that everything was fine and we'd just have to wait and see how things go. If you recall, I'm not a patient person. To say that waiting is not my forte is being far too kind. Still, I think I'm doing pretty well. I'm roughly half done--with this part anyway; there are at least 18 more years to consider. I guess the take home message is the same as it often is for me (funny how stubborn people keep getting the same message, as though we're actually supposed to learn it rather than ignore it). But I digress. The message is, take each day as it comes. Enjoy the moment. Tomorrow will be what it will, so make the most of today. The truth is, if I keep waiting for the next thing, I won't enjoy the current one. I should enjoy not feeling the baby, because at some point it will wake me up. Enjoy being pregnant, because soon the baby will be less portable and less quiet. Enjoy summer, because fall and winter aren't fall behind. Enjoy Saturday because Monday will soon be here. So, my goal is to actually do this. And I'm going to start by enjoying today.

Parental Decision Making

Now that I'm almost half done, it's about time for the big day. Ok, not *the* big day, but the next closest thing--the 20 week ultrasound. This is the one where they will tell you, presumably only if you want to know, if you're having a boy or a girl. Over the last month or two, we have been asked lots of questions about this. Are we going to peek? Will we share what we find out? Along similar lines are questions such as, have we picked names? and will we share them? These are standard questions and I have no problem with people asking. What is amusing is the responses to the answers.

Are you going to look? A "yes" answer meets with lots of head nods and statements about excitement, but is also occasionally met with a barely concealed disappointment. Really? You're going to take the shortcut and look?! However, "no" answers breed, "are you crazy" or "suuuuuuurrrrrre" looks.

Are you telling? A "yes" answer generally provides happy faces, whiles a "no" gets you some heated and hated looks. You know and you're not sharing? How could you. It turns out that if you look, people feel entitled to know and can feel personally sinned against if you don't tell.

Have you picked names? Generally, a "yes" or "no" answer to this question only determines the follow-up questions. Yeses lead to questions about sharing. Noes lead to offers of help and suggestions.

Will you share them? This is a tricky question. Really. If you tell people what you've chosen, you can get vague stares or "how could you choose that" looks. People also feel it is their right to try and change your mind if they don't like what you've selected. There are also considerations for sharing with people on social networking sites (I have discovered that sharing one's children's names is generally frowned upon.) A "no," on the other hand, leads to even more trouble. People feel entitled to this information--after all, you have to tell them once the baby is born. Why not now? Some of them almost visibly bristle with indignation. Others will try and guess and hope your facial expressions give it away. Guessing? Really? Like there aren't more names on heaven* and earth to go through making it very unlikely that someone would ever pick correctly?

Ultimately, what I have realized about all of these questions is that they are my first opportunity for parental decision making. Selecting a name, more than any other thing I do with as a parent, is guaranteed to last the child's lifetime. In some cases, longer, like if they get passed down. Answers and actions taken in relation to the other questions are not only the first opportunity to set limits, but also my first chance to hold my ground in the face of opposition. No one is ever going to agree with all of my parenting decisions (although I like to hope that Phil and I will agree on most of them). Learning how to stand firm in my decision in the face of dissent, whether direct or passive, will help me when I have to explain to parents, teachers, friends, etc. some parenting choice I have made with which they disagree.

So, in the interest of disclosure, here are my answers to these questions:

Are we going to look? Yes. I don't think it ruins the surprise. It was still a surprise; I just opened my present sooner.
Are we going to tell? Yes. I have always hated when people tell me they know a secret but won't tell me. Either tell me the secret, or don't tell me you know one.
Have we picked names? Yes. Long before we got pregnant, actually. We picked early in the process, not realizing how long this journey would be.
Will we share them? Yes, but not here.

*I am restraining from sharing my personal opinion about the latest trend to name girls "Neveah"--heaven backwards.

Fathers Day 0.5 (beta)

It is Fathers Day.

This is the first year when Fathers Day applies to me, even though the title remains imminent for a few more months.

I am reminded of all the men, starting with dad, who have had a nurturing, challenging, important role in my life.

Some have said that parenthood is the most important job for which there is no owner's manual. While this whole parenting thing is more than just a little frightening, I have a lot of examples. Of course, everyone can serve as an example: some of how to, and some of how not to. I am especially thankful that I have so many good examples.

So to all the fathers out there, especially those by whose presence, example and persistence your children have been blessed, I thank you. To my own Dad, thanks, and sorry for all the messes.

Here's to you (and soon to us).

A Million Dollar Idea

So, having experienced the reactions of people to the Mrs.' pregnancy, I have an idea for t-shirts that would probably sell:

If you are helping to pay for college
you get to touch the belly without asking.