Memo to Me: Depression is Chemical

I was talking with my counselor this week about my breakthrough about Patrick, and she thought I was making great progress and perhaps I was entering a new stage of the grieving process.  I told her that I thought if that were true, why wasn't my depression any better?  She answered that I had a lot of other things going on contributing to the depression.  That answer didn't satisfy me, but we moved on to talking about other things.  The next day I was talking with my good friend, and I told her the same thing: If this was such a big breakthrough, why didn't the depression lift?  She looked at me the way I look at my child sometimes and said, "Because depression is chemical.  We do not think our way out of depression."  Of course!  I knew this.  She knew I knew this, which is why she had that look on her face.  I had gotten wrapped up in the false belief that I could think my way out of depression again.  I had forgotten all of the things I knew about needing medication and why I was getting help in the first place.  Depression is chemical.  I felt dumb for having to be retold that simple tenet, but the truth is that the idea that depression is a thought disease is fairly heavy in our society and I bought into it for a long time.  It will take a long time to divest myself of all the remnants of that false belief, and this is probably not going to be the last time I have to be gently and firmly reminded.  Thank goodness for loving friends who can get me back on the path so I can quit beating myself up and take pride in my accomplishments.  I made a huge step in my grief recovery and I wasn't taking credit for it because I thought it should accomplish something it wasn't capable of doing.  My depression may not be going anywhere at the moment, but I am making progress every day.