Politics, Religion, and IVF

As I've mentioned at least a few times before, infertility sucks.  It makes so many aspects of life much more difficult.  I feel fortunate, however, that when it came time to decide whether to move forward and how far to go, we were able to make our decision without any personal conflicts, such as religious or family objections. I know a number of couples who belong to religious faiths that prohibit use of ART (assisted reproductive technology).  While some of the couples elected to abide by that prohibition, others decided to move forward.  Some spoke with their clergy members, others did not.  Ultimately, decisions about fertility are uniquely personal.  Each couple makes the best decision they can based on their own situation.  And, regardless of the decision they make, they deserve to be supported.

This doesn't happen in the real world.  In fact, even when couples are successful and achieve their heart's desire--pregnancy--people sometimes still give them crap about the choices they made because it ran counter to the decision that person would have made.  For example, there was a woman at my workplace who told me that both my pregnancy and my child were "an abomination."  Now, I'm no expert in other people's faiths, but, at least as I understand it, children are always considered a gift from God, regardless of the manner of conception.  Even children conceived by rape or incest are beloved by God.  How anyone could judge a child based on how it was conceived it beyond me.  But, my personal experience very clearly illuminated to me that people do make such judgments.  Sadly, it is people like this who keep those suffering from infertility in the closet, preventing them from receiving the support they desire and deserve.  Infertility is hard enough without being berated every step of the way.

However, difficult as this may be, there are people who are attempting to make it impossible by making IVF illegal.  Now, I understand advocating for your own personal beliefs.  What I have a problem with is politicians, who are supposed to represent everyone, including those who hold different beliefs, who, instead, seek to impose their personal beliefs on everyone.  If a couple feels strongly against using IVF, then they should not use it.  They should not, however, be in the position to make that decision for other couples.  Making IVF illegal will destroy many couple's only hope at having a child.

Now, there are those who believe that adoption should be utilized, rather than IVF.  Here's the thing.  Adoption is not the fix-all panacea that people make it out to be.  This is not to say that it isn't a wonderful thing.  I know many people who have successfully adopted or placed children for adoption.  It is absolutely an option for becoming a parent.  However, it is neither equivalent to, nor a replacement for, IVF.  Prospective adoptive parents have to first jump through hoops to prove that they are better than many parents out there before they are even given the chance to be considered.  You can't do it, you're out, regardless of how amazing you would be as parents.  Then, they have to sell themselves to birth parents, hoping to be picked.  If they can't convince anyone to give them their child, they are out of luck.  Once they have been selected by the birth parents, they spend thousands of dollars on medical care for the birth mother, but still there is no guarantee.  Sometimes, birth mothers decide at the last minute to keep their children.  Now, the couple is out thousands of dollars and yet, remains childless.  Worse, there are women who deliberately mislead couples in order to receive medical care during pregnancy, although they actually have no intention of giving up their child.  This happened to a friend of mine, twice, and she was working with a reputable agency.  So, I reject the proposition that adoption is an adequate or acceptable solution if IVF is made illegal.

Furthermore, there are people who are just unwilling to raise a child that isn't biologically theirs.  I don't see any reason to deny these people the opportunity to be parents by outlawing the only viable method they have.  In light of the increased politicization of this issue, it will certainly inform how I will vote this election.  And I urge you to get informed about the positions advocated by your candidate of choice and make sure they align with your own.

Strong Women

As my pregnancy has progressed and my little girl gets more active, I have become much more attached and bonded with her. It has also helped me understand things that previously frustrated me about adoption.

Let me take a few steps back. Simply put, pregnancy is natural. That does not, however, equate with easy. It is hard on the body. Even the easiest pregnancy takes its toll. Indeed, I have taken to calling my little one "L'Oreal" anytime I am experiencing pregnancy-related hardship (because she's worth it). And, because I had so much difficulty getting pregnant, I often think that whatever I must endure for 9 months will surely be worth it. I found it interesting, then, that it was precisely because I had to work so hard and endure so much to become pregnant, that I suddenly understood why women would back out of the adoption process.

When Phil and I were researching our options once we were told that medical intervention would be necessary for us to have biological children, we considered adoption. The research indicated that the cost would be roughly the same for adoption or IVF and neither was a guaranteed success. Although there were unknowns and financial risks involved in either decision, what frustrated me most about adoption was that I was sinking a lot of money into a woman who could change her mind, leaving me in debt and without a child. Although cognitively, I understood that IVF rendered a similar risk, the difference was that if IVF didn't work, it was my body or medicine that let me down, not the whims of another person. I found myself frustrated and angry at all the stories of women who would offer their children up for adoption, only to change their minds at the last minute, leaving the prospective adoptive parents mourning the loss of another child. How could they do that? They made an agreement--they ought to be held to the agreement.

Well, I get it now. At least, I think I do. The emotional pull created by feeling the baby kicking is indescribable. I would imagine that knowing cognitively that giving up the baby is the right thing to do has little to no power over the emotional pull of wanting to see, hold, nurture, or raise the baby. Having this new understanding has led me to marvel at the birth mothers who have been able to go through with handing their children over for others to raise. I finally have some small insight into just how difficult that must be. These are very strong women, indeed.

My amazement is even greater for those women who become pregnant from rape or incest and choose to have the children--whether keeping them or giving them up for adoption. This amazes me in large part because every time I feel my daughter kick, I am reminded of how much I want her and the experiences I had that brought me to this point. How would I feel if the experience that created her had been violent or horrific? My mind cannot even fathom what feeling the baby kick under those circumstances must feel like. Women who can carry these children must be strong indeed.

And so I want to offer thanks to these women, and honor them for their sacrifice--giving of themselves, their time, their emotions, and their bodies, to birth these unintended children. I am truly amazed and awed at the level of strength they must have. And I am grateful that my pregnancy has allowed me the opportunity to recognize their sacrifices.