We just returned from a quick trip to Chicago for Phil to do a wedding for a lovely couple. I attended the rehearsal, dinner, wedding, and reception. It was one of the loveliest events I have ever attended and the outdoor settings in Chicago were amazing. I can only imagine what wonderful pictures they are going to have. Just as the trip to Alaska taught me a few things, this trip also brought new epiphanies. So, here are a few of my lessons from Chicago:
1) If you are in a different locale where one of you has to be somewhere at a certain time, don't do anything stupid that might require a trip to the ER. This leads me to #2.
2) Always use a high chair. No matter how good your 18-month-old is at sitting in a chair, she will inevitably fall out. This is not necessarily a horrible thing, but if she falls off and hits her head on a radiator sitting roughly 3 inches off the floor, it's a problem. (When the people at the next table who work in sports medicine say you might want to get your kid checked out for a concussion, it's probably not a good sign).
3) When you need a trip to the ER in a strange city, make certain the cabbie knows that the children's hospital has moved. There's nothing like an hour long cab ride through the city, as the cabbie discovers the road to the children's hospital is closed and, upon finally arriving, being told that they are CLOSING FOR GOOD that day (indeed, within the hour) because they have moved to a new location. [Ironically, the new location was CLOSER to the hotel! But, I digress.] Fortunately, they were kind enough to admit us and we were likely their last patient. First, and hopefully last, time closing down an ER.
4) Lil' Bit has a hard head--just like me. As hard as she cracked that thing on the radiator and floor, she must have a skull of steel. She did not have a concussion and we all got back to the hotel in plenty of time to get ready for the wedding. Yay! Still, not something we ever want to repeat.
5) Given the right setting, I can be social with people I don't know. Usually, I am an extreme introvert with those I don't know, and an extrovert with those I know well. With these families, I felt instantly comfortable, even though I only knew the bride and her brother. Part of it was the presence of lots of other young children, at least 6 of whom were aged 9 months to 3 years. But more than that, I didn't feel like I was the the pastor's wife along for the ride, as I often do when I only know the bride or groom. I felt welcome. And with that feeling, came one of comfort that allowed me to converse with people and feel more comfortable than I might otherwise. I was certainly no extrovert, but I was much less introverted.
6) Given the right environment, Lil' Bit can stay up waaaay past her bedtime with few repercussions--although med times in the morning are slightly more difficult. Being in Chicago meant we were in a different time zone, so keeping her up until 8:30 p.m. Friday night was like 9:30 our time--3 hours past her bedtime! It was even later last night with the wedding reception, but she did great. We got her up at 5 (Chicago time) for her first med and then let her go back to bed for another hour before her second med. It worked out pretty well.
7) There is no logic to what children want. After a four-hour car ride, Lil' Bit was tired of being strapped into the car seat and she was not afraid to let us know about it. Upon arriving at home, I got her out of the car first thing and set her down in the kitchen while I tried to unpack the car. Ha! She was not in the house a whole 30 seconds before she was banging on the backdoor crying and begging to be strapped into the swing in the backyard. In all fairness, if I have to be strapped in, I'd rather be outside in the shade with the breeze in my hair, too. Still, not exactly what I figured her first move would be.
8) We are playing at a much higher level. Even with the ER visit and the cab rides and the staying up late and various other difficulties, we did not feel like the trip was "ruined." We had a great time at the wedding events, enjoyed our walk along the river, and made the most of our time. It was our first non-family out-of-town trip since Lil' Bit began her meds and it went surprisingly well.
9) There is always some adjustment. After sleeping in the same room with us for two nights and being rocked to sleep both of those nights, it was understandably difficult for Lil' Bit to be placed in her crib in her room by herself at regular time this evening. So, I went back in and held her until she fell asleep. That way, we still implemented the regularly scheduled bedtime and sleeping in her own space, but she still got snuggles. And, who am I kidding, I loved getting snuggled right back.
It's great to be home and to get back into the routine. But it was equally nice to discover that we are capable of taking trips even though Lil' Bit has special needs.
Showing posts with label learning experiences. Show all posts
Showing posts with label learning experiences. Show all posts
6.10.2012
11.24.2011
Assumptions
I have started several posts about our time at the hospital for Lil' Bit's surgery, and may or may not get around to finishing and posting them. For now, we'll talk about today. Today was to be our triumphant return. Discharge day. And it was. Sort of. We are all home and, although totally exhausted, we are doing fairly well. But I relearned a few lessons today.
First, I relearned not to make assumptions. This lesson came upon the discovery that I had, in fact, made a giant assumption. I did not realize I had, but I did. I had assumed that surgery would "fix" my child. Sure, it would be difficult and emotionally taxing and recovery would be hard. But, in the end, surgery would either fix my child, or it wouldn't. I never considered what would be involved during the waiting to find out period. You know, the period where you get to bring them home, but you still have to give them meds. That's right meds. It never occurred to me that when I brought my child home she would be on medication, let alone three different meds multiple times per day. Oh, and did I mention that they all tend to make her vomit? We have learned a few tricks and most of the time they work. But today we had 5 administrations for 3 doses, and lots of "clean up on isle mommy." I hate holding my screaming child and trying to get her to take medication I know she needs. I really hate having to do it 6 times per day. I'm freaked out that I will have to start doing it 8 times a day once the third med finally arrives. Yeah. About that third med. It's one of those black box medicines that I will need gloves to handle because I've signed up for another round of IVF and we will have to use separate syringes and pill crushers for. *sigh*
As I sat on the floor, trying to be calm (but probably failing miserably) during the last medicine administration, I got angry and couldn't quite figure out why. Until, thud, it finally hit me that I had made this giant assumption that once we brought her home, even if she wasn't fixed, we would be done for now. I don't know why I never considered ongoing treatment such as meds, I just didn't. And, quite honestly, I'm just thrilled that she didn't have to come home with an NG tube (and even more thrilled that I didn't have to be trained how to put one in and take one out)!
This leads me to my second assumption. I assumed that I was prepared to have her home. I expected the return home to be a great relief. Instead, I felt the same panic as last year when I brought home a newborn and wondered what the heck I was supposed to do with her. The panic is the same, but the specifics are different: What happens if she still won't drink whole milk or Pediasure? (This issue is the subject of a post in progress about poor planning on my part). What happens when she vomits up the meds at home? How do we get her to take them when all the tricks we learned failed? How long after taking the meds does vomiting count as not having gotten the dose? (Apparently, the answer to this for our purposes is 20 minutes).
All of these are difficult things to handle by themselves. Doing them on little sleep, after a long day of travel, with nerves and emotions still raw from 2 1/2 weeks of adrenaline and anxiety, is damn near impossible. And yet, we managed to get her meds in her, give her a bath, and get her to bed. We have overnight meds we have to set an alarm for and lots of other challenges ahead of us. We're creating a chart so we can track and make sure we have given her all her meds-- a necessity, since we're lucky to remember our own names these days.
But we're home. And she's doing amazing. And we're taking things one day at a time. Which is, in fact, the only way anything can be done. We live life, whatever challenges, joys, successes, and sorrows come our way, the only way we can. One day at a time. One minute at a time. One moment at a time. Sometimes, though, it takes a giant 2x4 upside the head to remember that lesson. And man, do I have quite a headache.
First, I relearned not to make assumptions. This lesson came upon the discovery that I had, in fact, made a giant assumption. I did not realize I had, but I did. I had assumed that surgery would "fix" my child. Sure, it would be difficult and emotionally taxing and recovery would be hard. But, in the end, surgery would either fix my child, or it wouldn't. I never considered what would be involved during the waiting to find out period. You know, the period where you get to bring them home, but you still have to give them meds. That's right meds. It never occurred to me that when I brought my child home she would be on medication, let alone three different meds multiple times per day. Oh, and did I mention that they all tend to make her vomit? We have learned a few tricks and most of the time they work. But today we had 5 administrations for 3 doses, and lots of "clean up on isle mommy." I hate holding my screaming child and trying to get her to take medication I know she needs. I really hate having to do it 6 times per day. I'm freaked out that I will have to start doing it 8 times a day once the third med finally arrives. Yeah. About that third med. It's one of those black box medicines that I will need gloves to handle because I've signed up for another round of IVF and we will have to use separate syringes and pill crushers for. *sigh*
As I sat on the floor, trying to be calm (but probably failing miserably) during the last medicine administration, I got angry and couldn't quite figure out why. Until, thud, it finally hit me that I had made this giant assumption that once we brought her home, even if she wasn't fixed, we would be done for now. I don't know why I never considered ongoing treatment such as meds, I just didn't. And, quite honestly, I'm just thrilled that she didn't have to come home with an NG tube (and even more thrilled that I didn't have to be trained how to put one in and take one out)!
This leads me to my second assumption. I assumed that I was prepared to have her home. I expected the return home to be a great relief. Instead, I felt the same panic as last year when I brought home a newborn and wondered what the heck I was supposed to do with her. The panic is the same, but the specifics are different: What happens if she still won't drink whole milk or Pediasure? (This issue is the subject of a post in progress about poor planning on my part). What happens when she vomits up the meds at home? How do we get her to take them when all the tricks we learned failed? How long after taking the meds does vomiting count as not having gotten the dose? (Apparently, the answer to this for our purposes is 20 minutes).
All of these are difficult things to handle by themselves. Doing them on little sleep, after a long day of travel, with nerves and emotions still raw from 2 1/2 weeks of adrenaline and anxiety, is damn near impossible. And yet, we managed to get her meds in her, give her a bath, and get her to bed. We have overnight meds we have to set an alarm for and lots of other challenges ahead of us. We're creating a chart so we can track and make sure we have given her all her meds-- a necessity, since we're lucky to remember our own names these days.
But we're home. And she's doing amazing. And we're taking things one day at a time. Which is, in fact, the only way anything can be done. We live life, whatever challenges, joys, successes, and sorrows come our way, the only way we can. One day at a time. One minute at a time. One moment at a time. Sometimes, though, it takes a giant 2x4 upside the head to remember that lesson. And man, do I have quite a headache.
2.20.2011
Regarding Orchids
My dad has an amazing gift with plants and my mom is pretty great with them, too. My house growing up was filled with all types of flora. Sadly, I did not inherit this gift. I used to hate when they would leave me alone for a few days and I had to water them all. It was a complicated schedule with different things needing to be watered at different times, and some got plant food and some didn't. I never killed anything, but I probably got close. Needless to say, I never acquired many plants of my own. But that didn't mean people didn't give them to me. The few plants I did receive often died early on, as I forgot to water them. Those that lasted more than a month were those that could survive a desert climate--days or weeks without watering, followed by tons of overwatering based on guilt for previously forgetting and concern about when the forgetting would happen again.
And so it was with trepidation that I accepted my friend Maria's birthday present four years ago-a phalaenopsis orchid. I had admired her collection of them and so she gave me one of my own. It was beautiful, but I was certain I would kill it. After all, as I understood it, orchids are difficult plants to grow. Maria assured me that I could do it and, surprisingly, I managed to get it to bloom a second time before the year was over. That seemed to be the end of my success. Even though it grew new leaves and appeared healthy, it didn't bloom again. I was disappointed at the lack of flowers, but hey, at least it was still green and growing. That was something. So, I let myself be content with the knowledge I hadn't killed it. Then, something odd happened. It sprouted a keiki--another orchid plant. Apparently, I couldn't make it happy enough to flower, but I could make it happy enough to reproduce. In fact, over the years, it has sprouted 3 new orchids.
As excited as I was that I had managed to do better than simply not kill the plant, I was not a fan of this whole reproduction thing. I was now the proud owner of four non-flowering plants that I had to manage not to kill--it had been hard work simply not killing one. I actually started to get irritated with the plant when I would see it was making another keiki. I gave one away to my dad, but I still had three. In an effort to try and force the plant to flower, I didn't remove the last keiki from the original orchid's growing stem. My reasoning was that at least it couldn't make another one while one was still attached.
Well, color me startled when something odd starting growing out of the keiki. Not another plant!, I shouted internally. No, actually, it was a growing stem. My first! Not only that, it started to make buds! And this week, of all the crazy things, the keiki bloomed! So far only one of the two blooms has opened, but that by itself is crazy good. I think I can now retire my title as plant-killer. Yay!
So, what does all of this have to do with children--i.e., why is this story in my blog? I realized that I can care and nurture living things that are known to be difficult. And, although I don't necessarily do things the way anyone else would, it doesn't mean I'm not doing a good job or that I won't be successful. Finally, it's a reminder to take pleasure in small, unexpected things. So, whether it's orchids, or babies, or something else entirely, I am working on remembering that I can learn new things, accomplish new achievements, and enjoy small victories. And, hopefully, it's a lesson I can pass on to Lil' Bit.
And so it was with trepidation that I accepted my friend Maria's birthday present four years ago-a phalaenopsis orchid. I had admired her collection of them and so she gave me one of my own. It was beautiful, but I was certain I would kill it. After all, as I understood it, orchids are difficult plants to grow. Maria assured me that I could do it and, surprisingly, I managed to get it to bloom a second time before the year was over. That seemed to be the end of my success. Even though it grew new leaves and appeared healthy, it didn't bloom again. I was disappointed at the lack of flowers, but hey, at least it was still green and growing. That was something. So, I let myself be content with the knowledge I hadn't killed it. Then, something odd happened. It sprouted a keiki--another orchid plant. Apparently, I couldn't make it happy enough to flower, but I could make it happy enough to reproduce. In fact, over the years, it has sprouted 3 new orchids.
As excited as I was that I had managed to do better than simply not kill the plant, I was not a fan of this whole reproduction thing. I was now the proud owner of four non-flowering plants that I had to manage not to kill--it had been hard work simply not killing one. I actually started to get irritated with the plant when I would see it was making another keiki. I gave one away to my dad, but I still had three. In an effort to try and force the plant to flower, I didn't remove the last keiki from the original orchid's growing stem. My reasoning was that at least it couldn't make another one while one was still attached.
Well, color me startled when something odd starting growing out of the keiki. Not another plant!, I shouted internally. No, actually, it was a growing stem. My first! Not only that, it started to make buds! And this week, of all the crazy things, the keiki bloomed! So far only one of the two blooms has opened, but that by itself is crazy good. I think I can now retire my title as plant-killer. Yay!So, what does all of this have to do with children--i.e., why is this story in my blog? I realized that I can care and nurture living things that are known to be difficult. And, although I don't necessarily do things the way anyone else would, it doesn't mean I'm not doing a good job or that I won't be successful. Finally, it's a reminder to take pleasure in small, unexpected things. So, whether it's orchids, or babies, or something else entirely, I am working on remembering that I can learn new things, accomplish new achievements, and enjoy small victories. And, hopefully, it's a lesson I can pass on to Lil' Bit.
2.04.2011
Relationship Math or How 1+1+1=7
Yesterday was a particularly good day. What made the day so wonderful, is that all 7 of our family relationships were fed. But aren't there only 3 members to my family? Yes. Then, how do I get seven relationships with 3 people? It starts with the idea that 1+1=3. In any relationship between two people, there are actually three entities that must be fed and sustained--each of the two individuals and the unified relationship itself. Depending on the type of relationship between the two people, it may need lots of time and energy, or very little, but it will always require some of both. This fuzzy math is best visualized by the unity candle. Often, the families of the couple light to two smaller candles as a recognition of the families helping create the individual. Then, the two individuals light a third candle, representing their new partnership. Note, however, that the two individual candles remain lit. This is because each individual must remain and sustain him or herself, in addition, to feeding the partnership relationship.
What's interesting about relationship math is that it is exponential in its growth, so that the addition of a child to a family creates 7 relationships to be sustained. You still have the 3 relationships from before, but now you add 4 more-your child's individual identity, each parent's relationship with the child, and the family unit. Each additional child adds even more relationships as each child must now develop a relationship with each sibling and the children themselves form a unit separate from the parents. That's what makes time management so important. We must carve out time for ourselves as individuals, time for the parents as a couple, and time for the family as a whole, all while giving each child enough parent time to strengthen those relationships as well as build the child's ability to support him or herself as they grow older.
This is no small task. As parents, we tend to do a good job with our individual relationships with the child as well as the family unit relationship. We also work hard on helping our children cultivate their own identity, although success in this area is often mixed. Most of us struggle to find time to rejuvenate ourselves, although we may catch small moments with haircuts, massages, reading a book, or just having a quiet cup of tea before the rest of the house wakes up. The relationship that often gets forgotten is the parents' relationship. We tell ourselves that, as adults, we know that the child needs more of our time and that our partner will understand. And this is true, to a degree. However, at some point, you must put energy back into that relationship or it will die.
It also does no good to put energy into that relationship, or any of the others, and forget self-care. The failure to nurture one's self can lead to an over investment in the child or partner. Thus, the parent who puts all of their energy into the child can lose not only their partner, but him or herself. This is because over investment in a child often results in the creation of a fused identity with that child, making it difficult for the child to find and create a unique identity because the parent is too invested in each and every decision the child makes--indeed, the parent's own identity depends upon it. Thus, the failure to create the time for self-care results in a weakening of the relationships with the other members of your family. By depriving yourself, you deprive your spouse and child(ren), as well. A prolonged failure in this regard can result in a complete breakdown of the relationship.
Don't get me wrong. As a parent of a 2 1/2 month old, I am well acquainted with self-sacrifice and the role it plays in parenting. I don't have even remotely as much time for self-care as I used to and remembering I am wife as well as mommy can be pretty difficult. Nevertheless, there are ways to make sure we get the time we need, for ourselves and our partners, so that all of the family relationships remain strong and nurtured. For example, when one parent needs time for self-care, the other parent can spend that time building their relationship with the child--two relationships are strengthened at the same time. Taking a family vacation to a place one or both of partners love or always wanted to go can fill up the individual as well as promoting the family unit. Utilizing friends and family to watch the children in order to take a date night, or just a quiet evening at home can help the partnership relationship as well as provide opportunities for the child to learn more about herself by being away from the parents.
Truth be told, one of the things I love about letting Lil' Bit hang out with other people (friends, relatives, etc.) is that I learn a lot more things I can do as a parent to comfort or entertain her. Whether it's ways to make her burp, how to sooth her when she cries, or remembering that as she gets older, things she wasn't interested in before may have become fun, new and exciting playthings, I have learned so much from watching other parents care for Lil' Bit because they do things differently. These experiences also make me more appreciative of my time with her. When I've had her all day with no breaks, the minute Phil walks in the door, I am ready to hand her over. But, if I've left to run errands or, say, shovel 15 inches of snow off the sidewalk, when I get back inside the house, I am ready to hold and snuggle my daughter and have a lot more love and energy to offer her. My self-care rejuvenates me. That little bit of energy given to my self, recharges me and grows exponentially, giving me an abundance of love and energy that I can give to Lil' Bit.
So, getting back to yesterday, here's why it was such a great day. Morning playtime was family unit time (1). Phil got some self-care time while I cared for Lil' Bit, which also provided me with mommy time (2 & 3). I got self-care time when Gramma Pam and then Phil watched Lil' Bit so I could go to the salon, and Phil got daddy time (4 & 5). Lil' Bit's godparents took her overnight, so Phil and I got to have partnership time by having a date night (6). And finally, Lil' Bit got individual identity time by getting cared for by seven different adults, each of whom interacted with and supported her differently (7). And so it was, that we managed to feed and nourish all 7 of our family relationships. Not too shabby for a Thursday.
What's interesting about relationship math is that it is exponential in its growth, so that the addition of a child to a family creates 7 relationships to be sustained. You still have the 3 relationships from before, but now you add 4 more-your child's individual identity, each parent's relationship with the child, and the family unit. Each additional child adds even more relationships as each child must now develop a relationship with each sibling and the children themselves form a unit separate from the parents. That's what makes time management so important. We must carve out time for ourselves as individuals, time for the parents as a couple, and time for the family as a whole, all while giving each child enough parent time to strengthen those relationships as well as build the child's ability to support him or herself as they grow older.
This is no small task. As parents, we tend to do a good job with our individual relationships with the child as well as the family unit relationship. We also work hard on helping our children cultivate their own identity, although success in this area is often mixed. Most of us struggle to find time to rejuvenate ourselves, although we may catch small moments with haircuts, massages, reading a book, or just having a quiet cup of tea before the rest of the house wakes up. The relationship that often gets forgotten is the parents' relationship. We tell ourselves that, as adults, we know that the child needs more of our time and that our partner will understand. And this is true, to a degree. However, at some point, you must put energy back into that relationship or it will die.
It also does no good to put energy into that relationship, or any of the others, and forget self-care. The failure to nurture one's self can lead to an over investment in the child or partner. Thus, the parent who puts all of their energy into the child can lose not only their partner, but him or herself. This is because over investment in a child often results in the creation of a fused identity with that child, making it difficult for the child to find and create a unique identity because the parent is too invested in each and every decision the child makes--indeed, the parent's own identity depends upon it. Thus, the failure to create the time for self-care results in a weakening of the relationships with the other members of your family. By depriving yourself, you deprive your spouse and child(ren), as well. A prolonged failure in this regard can result in a complete breakdown of the relationship.
Don't get me wrong. As a parent of a 2 1/2 month old, I am well acquainted with self-sacrifice and the role it plays in parenting. I don't have even remotely as much time for self-care as I used to and remembering I am wife as well as mommy can be pretty difficult. Nevertheless, there are ways to make sure we get the time we need, for ourselves and our partners, so that all of the family relationships remain strong and nurtured. For example, when one parent needs time for self-care, the other parent can spend that time building their relationship with the child--two relationships are strengthened at the same time. Taking a family vacation to a place one or both of partners love or always wanted to go can fill up the individual as well as promoting the family unit. Utilizing friends and family to watch the children in order to take a date night, or just a quiet evening at home can help the partnership relationship as well as provide opportunities for the child to learn more about herself by being away from the parents.
Truth be told, one of the things I love about letting Lil' Bit hang out with other people (friends, relatives, etc.) is that I learn a lot more things I can do as a parent to comfort or entertain her. Whether it's ways to make her burp, how to sooth her when she cries, or remembering that as she gets older, things she wasn't interested in before may have become fun, new and exciting playthings, I have learned so much from watching other parents care for Lil' Bit because they do things differently. These experiences also make me more appreciative of my time with her. When I've had her all day with no breaks, the minute Phil walks in the door, I am ready to hand her over. But, if I've left to run errands or, say, shovel 15 inches of snow off the sidewalk, when I get back inside the house, I am ready to hold and snuggle my daughter and have a lot more love and energy to offer her. My self-care rejuvenates me. That little bit of energy given to my self, recharges me and grows exponentially, giving me an abundance of love and energy that I can give to Lil' Bit.
So, getting back to yesterday, here's why it was such a great day. Morning playtime was family unit time (1). Phil got some self-care time while I cared for Lil' Bit, which also provided me with mommy time (2 & 3). I got self-care time when Gramma Pam and then Phil watched Lil' Bit so I could go to the salon, and Phil got daddy time (4 & 5). Lil' Bit's godparents took her overnight, so Phil and I got to have partnership time by having a date night (6). And finally, Lil' Bit got individual identity time by getting cared for by seven different adults, each of whom interacted with and supported her differently (7). And so it was, that we managed to feed and nourish all 7 of our family relationships. Not too shabby for a Thursday.
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