Goodbye Joy, Hello Truth

It's New Year's Eve, and I could not be more ready for this year to end.  To be honest, I feel like I have been dealing with ever bigger struggles since we first started having trouble conceiving in 2008 and I am terrified about the year ahead.  Meds and surgeries in 2009; IVF and rough pregnancy in 2010; CHD diagnosis, hospitalizations, heart caths, and open-heart surgery in 2011; miscarriage and failed IVF in 2012; IVF, rough pregnancy, CHD, rough delivery, surgeries, deaths, and hospitalizations in 2013; surgeries, hospitalizations, depression, and Patrick's death in 2014.  Six years of increasingly difficult experiences.  I am tapped out.  I don't know if I can handle any more.  I know that I said that last year, and that this year was much worse and I'm still standing.  It has become obvious that each time I have said enough, the universe has tested me and pushed me and showed me that, in fact, it could give me more and I would survive.  I'm also well aware that there are many worse things that could be sent my way.  I don't want them.  I am trying desperately not to challenge the universe.  I don't want to know how strong I can be.

At the same time, I don't want to focus on the negatives.  I want to focus on something positive, under the theory that we manifest those things on which we focus our energy.  As 2015 has approached, I began the task of figuring out my word for the year.  Let me back up--in my family, instead of make New Year's resolutions, we pick a word or attribute that we want to focus on, work on, or manifest in the year ahead.  I have previously picked words like discernment and abundance.  One year, I picked patience, before I knew better.  Last year, having had such a crummy 2013, I picked joy.  I wanted to manifest joy in my life.  Hahahahaha!  What I got was lots of opportunities to find joy in the rough and tumble world of hospitals and death.  As a result of the experiences this year, I've been (I think reasonably) scared of picking my word for 2015.  I felt like it needed to be "perfect"; that, somehow, if I could just pick the right word, I will have an easier year in 2015.

I thought I had finally managed to narrow it to three:  miracles, release, and connection.  Then, this afternoon, I read an article by someone else who was picking a word for next year.  The article included a list of questions to ask in formulating said word.  In asking myself those questions, I came up with a few other thoughts, including success, family, truth, comfort, and insight.  As I tried to decide which of these words would be the best one to select, it occurred to me that I was picking my word out of fear.  Fear that it would be hard.  Fear that it would bring more struggles and grief.  I was, once again, trying to outsmart God--as though that were actually possible.  So, I tried my best to get my head out of it.  I wrote the words on paper, folded them, put them in a hat, and picked one.  The result was unexpected.  Of all the ones I thought might come up, this wasn't it.  Maybe that's why it came up.  Who knows.  For good or ill, my word for 2015 is:

Truth

And as I thought about the word, I was reminded of a line of a covenant from a church I attended in my youth:  to seek the truth in love.  So, I wrote my own covenant for the year, to help keep me on track with my word:

Love is the spirit of my life,

And truth shall be its law.

I will seek the truth in love.

I will speak my truth with love.

And I will help others find their truth.

This is my covenant.

So, goodbye #Joy2014 and hello #Truth2015.  See you next year.

Beginnings and Endings

Dear Readers,

This has been a rough year.  It began with my one-year-old healing from open heart surgery and us learning how to function giving her meds six times a day.  It continued with a miscarriage, a second failed FET, two trips to the ER while out of state, and a stomach bug that made Lil' Bit quit taking her heart meds for several days.  Needless to say, I am ready for this year to be over.  In fact, I don't remember ever being so ready for a year to end.

On the plus side, this year saw Lil' Bit have her first birthday party not in a hospital, and we finally got her off the sinus infection/antibiotic treadmill.  I also got to see my brother and his family for the first time in a year-and-a-half, and Lil' Bit got to play with her cousin.

Sadly, the year ahead starts with major outpatient surgery for me.  Not exactly something to make me want to run into the new year with open arms.  But--January is also the start of our next FET.  Shots begin again on the 18th!  I'm excited and hopeful, and yet, some piece of me feels it's folly.  After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Nevertheless, we try again because, in truth, it's not the same thing every time.  Besides, my heart simply cannot take anymore pregnancy announcements.  For cripes sake Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a kid!  I want it to be my turn.  Need it to be my turn.  I want to crawl out of this emotional black hole triumphant and expectant.  Hopefully, 2013 is my year.

But, regardless of whether I end up with anther child, it will be my last year of fertility treatments.  We only have enough embryos for two tries, and I'm too old (and, quite honestly, unwilling) to do another fresh cycle.  So, if the February FET isn't successful, my plan is to turn around and do the last one and be done.  Then, I can close the chapter on this part of my life, get my surgery, and get on with raising Lil' Bit and whomever else shows up.

So, regardless of outcome, 2013 is going to be a big year for me.  I'm hopeful for a great year, but I will settle for one that's better than 2012.  For now, I will savor the last day of this year and all the hopes for the year ahead.  And, if you want, you can join me in the new year on my next trip down the rabbit hole.  18 days and counting!