Value

Something I haven't been sharing on here recently is my health struggles.  Beyond the depression and anxiety, last October or so I began to have back problems.  I have had different types of back problems throughout my life, but this time, they have been much worse.  Between x-rays and MRIs, doctors have found any number of things that could be causing the pain, but so far nothing has helped.  On top of that, my doctors think I may have fibromyalgia, which would explain the fatigue, body pain, brain fog, word recall and memory issues.

Because of these myriad physical issues, I have been out of work from my primary job since mid-March.  Unfortunately, I am nearly at the end of my employer's ability to wait and hold my job for me while I get better.  I have four appointments in the next week to try to come up with some new avenues to consider, but I've got a deadline to be back at work in order to keep my job, and I don't think I'm going to make it.  I am terrified.  Having a job to return to has been both a safety net and one of my motivations to get better.  I love my job.  I want to go back.  Work gave me a sense of purpose.  I was helping people.  I was good at it.  It helped push me forward through my therapy and depression last year, knowing my work family was waiting to warmly welcome me home.  Now, I have to face the very real potential of the loss of this motivation and safety net.

This week, I was forced to admit that my mobility is much more limited than I wanted to believe.  My doctor wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair, which arrived yesterday, and I received my handicapped parking permit today.  My pain medications render me unfit to drive.  If I know I have to drive, I don't take them, but then the pain renders me useless for much of anything.  Now that I have the wheelchair, doing the occasional errand or getting to doctor's appointments is easier because I don't have to walk or stand, but lifting that bugger into and out of the car (sans pain meds) means that, at best, I can only do two errands a day.  I have been unable to ferry Mira around to school and gymnastics, do laundry, make beds, load and unload the dishwasher, clean the house, etc.

Phil has really stepped up, and he is positively amazing, but he is burned out and exhausted.  He has to do not only most of the work a single parent would, but take care of me on top of that.  He has earned all the "good hubby" and "good daddy" points that exist and then some.  Lord knows he has lived up to the "for worse" part of our marriage vows these days.  But I hate watching the light die in his eyes.  I hate seeing how tired he is from trying to do it all.  And I hate that I feel powerless to help.  Instead, I feel like a giant time and energy suck.  Spending my time trying to mentally overcome physical pain just results in physical, mental, and spiritual exhaustion.

Because I feel as though I am of no use to my family or myself, I have begun trying to figure out what makes me valuable.  When I was growing up, I struggled to make friends and often felt inadequate or worthless, but I knew I was smart.  I knew I was good at school and nothing those people ever said about me could take that away.  I measured my value with every "A," every "summa cum laude," every advanced degree I could achieve.  I had value, and I knew it.  I could see it.  It was tangible and measurable.  Now, I am very likely about to lose my favorite job in the world and may no longer have the ability to do a vocation for which I am still paying off student loans.  As I stare at the approaching precipice of job loss, I am trying to determine what else gives me value.

Sure, I can provide love and hugs to my family, and with my wheelchair, I can now contribute to more chores around the house.  But does what I have to offer offset what it takes for them to care for me?  Sure, Mira loves me, and I can give her only the things a mom can, but is she going to resent me because I can't go out and play, or run around, or do all of the things I used to do with her?  I set a goal to complete half-marathons in honor of Patrick.  Ultimately, with enough training and weight loss, I may be able to do them in a wheelchair, but I feel like a failure for having been unable to complete this small gesture to honor his memory.

So, what makes me valuable?  The easy answer is I am a child of God; that God saw fit to create me gives me value.  That helps me spiritually, to some degree.  It reminds me that I have a purpose, and I am here for something, but it still doesn't tell me why I matter.  Why should Phil stay with me?  Yes, he made a promise, but people do that all the time.  Now that I am no longer an equal partner and participant, why should he stay?  All I do is make his life exponentially harder.  He reassures me that he's in it for the long haul, and I try to believe him.  But, unless I can figure out a way to feel valuable without needing his reassurance, I'm going to end up sucking him dry, and it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I think one of the reasons it is so difficult to figure out why/how I am valuable is that I have always used the measuring tools of the "powers and principalities."  Can I work?  How much do I earn?  Am I attractive?  Am I capable?  Am I able/fit?  These are not the reasons I want to value people, and now that I have no value under these standards, they are certainly not how I want my worth evaluated.  So, here's the list of characteristics that I have that I think give me value.

1)  I'm strong.  I've been through a lot of stuff and I am still going.  I haven't given up.
2)  I'm empathetic and a good listener.  I know lots of people who either are going through or have gone through rough times.  I provide support by helping them feel heard and, when asked, helping them problem-solve or come up with a plan to overcome issues.
3)  I'm funny.  This one took me a long time to figure out, mostly because my brother was SO funny, I couldn't see my own skills until I was out and about on my own.  I can make people smile.  I can usually get Mira to come out of a frump and turn things around to "find the fun" as Joy says in Inside Out.
4)  I'm a great planner.  Even with my foggy, forgetful memory, I have managed to use alarms on my phone, post-it notes, and any number of other coping tools to keep myself on track even when basic word recall fails me.  Mostly.
5)  I try.  The other day, it was clear that Phil was done.  He was beyond done (still is, I imagine, but this was a pretty low level).  So, the next morning, I got up and got Mira ready for school.  It took every ounce of energy I had and left my body weak and my pain level around an 8.  But, I knew that I would have the rest of the day to try to recuperate, and it allowed Phil to sleep in and get a little bit of rest before starting his day.  It's not a lot, but I am working hard to show my appreciation and make sure Phil feels valued for everything he's doing.

This is not a complete list--I'm hoping I can still find more value in my existence.  And, if you have additional thoughts (whether for me specifically or for people generally), please share.  But, it's a start.  It's enough to keep me going and feel like I have earned my place in the world for another day. I am still very angry and frustrated that all of this is happening and that I have zero control and absolutely no idea where all of this is going.  But I am doing my very best to use it as an opportunity to learn.  Because I'm smart.  Ooooh.  Look at that,  I get to put that one back on the list. :)

Self-Worth, Advertising, and the Mommy Wars

I have been thinking a lot since I wrote my last post about how we became a society full of people who don't value themselves.  What I decided was that it has likely been created, in no small part, by advertising and the media.  Advertisers have long used psychological concepts to turn us into good consumers.  The problem is, good consumers from a company's perspective, are those who buy a product regardless of whether they need it.  Therefore, their job is to convince us that we need whatever they are selling.  And, the simplest way to do that, is to make us feel inadequate without it:

If you don't drink our beer or drive our car, you won't get women.
If you don't use this make-up, you'll look old and wrinkley and who would want you then.
If you don't buy this toy, you aren't really having fun and all your other friends will wonder why you don't have it.
If you don't use the superfast phone network, you don't care enough about making the most of your time.
If you don't use this diaper, you don't care enough about your child.

Even the commercials that manage to stick to a simple message of "we're the best product on the market based on thus and such research" are problematic because they include the (subtle or not so subtle) unspoken message that, if you are using another product, it is inferior and you are stupid for doing so.  After all,  they have science on their side.

But these messages of being unworthy or not measuring up come in forms other than advertising.  Nowhere is this more visible than the "Mommy Wars."  For the uninitiated, the "Mommy Wars" result from a perceived dichotomy of moms.  It caricatures mothers into one of two categories, both of whom tend to brand themselves as carrying the torch of feminism.  Group one is defined as: stay-at-home, attachment parenting, breastfeeding advocate, co-sleeping, home birthing, "granola" moms.  Group two is defined as: moms who work outside the home, formula feeders, separate sleepers, elective c-sections, and those who refuse to make time in their schedules to actually raise their children.  The truth is, most women do not fall entirely within either category.  But, even those who attempt to bridge the gap end up being criticized.

Although the Mommy Wars are usually simmering beneath the surface, they exploded full force into mainstream media with Time Magazine's cover of a mother breastfeeding her toddler and asking "Are you mom enough?"  At least one popular blogger suggested that we should not give in to the blatant attempt by Time to reignite the war.  But we can't help ourselves.  Because, ultimately, the truth behind why the Time magazine cover caused such controversy, the feelings behind the mommy wars, and why advertising works is the same.  We need to be right and, in our society, there is only one right way to do anything.  Our job is to figure it out and do it.  Otherwise, we are failures or slackers.

Our self-worth comes from knowing we are right.  Shades of gray mean we can't find our place and, therefore, can't estimate our self-worth.  Accordingly, we create a false dichotomy of black and white and constantly compare what we are doing with everyone else to make sure we're still adequate.  If someone suggests that breastfeeding is best for children, they must automatically be trying to make those who formula feed feel inadequate.  If a mother suggests that going to work makes her a better parent, she must be slamming stay-at-home moms.  We have lost nuance.  We have lost dialogue.  We just shout at one another without listening and, in doing so, continue to feed the beast of inadequacy.  After all, if you are right, then anyone making an alternative choice must, therefore, be wrong.

Here's my belief about parenting:  there are a multitude of ways to do it right, and a multitude of ways to do it wrong.  We all want what is best for our children; few parents intend to do their children harm.  Every parent's circumstances are different and every child is different.  What works for one child, may not work with another, even within the same family unit.  The point of the information age is to make it accessible to people so that they can read it, digest it, and make the best, most informed choices they can for themselves.  And we have to support parents in the choices they make, even if they are not the choices we would make.  Thus, the choice to have a hospital birth does not automatically mean you don't support home-birthing and doulas.  Having an epidural or a c-section does not make you any less of a mother.  Regardless of whether you co-sleep with your child or let them "cry it out," you are performing an experiment.  Indeed, all life is an experiment.  How do you figure out how to parent your child?  Trial and error.  But none of this makes us inadequate or stupid.  It simply makes us human.  And our choices are just that--ours.  Different does not equal wrong and I would prefer to spend my energy figuring out ways to make all children feel valued and supported rather than tearing each other down for the choices we make as parents.  

So, in case no one has told you recently:  You are mom enough.  You are dad enough.  You are enough.  So long as you love your children and you are making the best decision you know how, you are doing a great job regardless of whether your parenting looks anything like mine.  And I support you in it.