Facing Infertility in a Facebook World

I had hoped to post this during National Infertility Awareness Week (April 21-27, 2013), but life got in the way.  Still, as many of my friends are giving birth and populating my Facebook newsfeed with adorable newborn pictures, and with me headed for the big anatomy ultrasound, I wanted to talk a little about what it was like for me on the other side of the feed.

When I got pregnant with Lil' Bit, I was so excited.  As did many of my friends, I changed my profile picture to an ultrasound image and was generally obnoxious as only pregnant women (particularly those of us who worked so darn hard to get that way) can be.  I justified it because I had EARNED it.  I don't know that I thought much about those on the receiving end of my posts--those who were happy for me, but for whom each of my posts was a reminder of what they had not yet been able to achieve.

Fast-forward to the past year, where I was faced once again with my infertility as I struggled with miscarriage and a failed FET.  As I chronicled here and here, I struggled as my newsfeed filled with friends' news of pregnancy and ultrasound pictures.  It hurt to see others getting what I wanted while I was being denied what I worked so hard and paid so much to achieve.  Even after I got the positive result from this pregnancy, the pain was still fresh.  And with that pain in mind, I began to wonder how best to move forward.  How could I balance sharing my good news with making it less painful for those who I knew were still struggling?  I ultimately determined that there wasn't much I could do because I can't anticipate what will hurt any particular person, given that they all have unique struggles.  But, there was one thing I could do.  I could refrain from changing my profile picture to an ultrasound image.  I don't know how it affects others, but for me, it was a constant stab.  It was one thing to see the pictures in my feed and know I wouldn't have to see them soon as they got bumped by more recent stuff.  But, once it was a profile pic, I saw it every single time I interacted with the person or they did anything that showed up in my feed.  So, knowing how difficult it was for me to be on the receiving end, I decided that I would not inflict that on anyone else who had similar feelings.

This is not to say that those who did or do it have done something wrong.  They had and have every right to proclaim their joy in any way that they want to anyone that they want.  I even did it last time with Lil' Bit.  This time around, though, I want to be a good steward to those who are still struggling and those who have yet to discover their struggle ahead.  I won't stop sharing my joy, but I can try not to make it unavoidable.  And please know, even as I struggle with my pregnancy and get frustrated with my shots, I know how lucky I am.  I know how many people deeply want a pregnancy, any pregnancy, and would take a high-risk one over none at all.  I know that pain.  Even as I carry my second child, I remember and feel that pain.  I have not forgotten.  To those of you who share the struggle, you are on my mind, in my heart, and in my prayers.

The Consequences of Getting What You Want

I am a firm believer that we are co-creators of our world and that it is very important to place our energy on things we want and not on things we don't.  This is not to say that I can simply wish myself a million dollars, much as many of us would like that to be true.  But where we focus our energy has consequences.  And so, during this stressful week, I added another mantra to my repertoire:  Although I most desire an easy pregnancy, I would rather have a freaked-out pregnancy than no pregnancy at all.  Well, I got what I wanted--a pregnancy.

This past Monday I called the center to report more bleeding.  In fact, this week it pretty much became a constant, unwanted companion.  I asked whether I could move my ultrasound up to find out what was going on.  No luck.  They were all full-up.  The nurses did their best to reassure me that it was probably nothing and not to worry.  However, I remember them giving me the same spiel when I was miscarrying, so it really provided no comfort.  I considered going to an urgent care or ER, but the truth was it wasn't "really" an emergency.  Yes, I wanted to know, but if the center wasn't that concerned, it wasn't worth tying up ER resources over.  I bided my time and waited impatiently for Thursday to arrive.  Of course, Thursday started with lots of cramping and bright red bleeding, which made waiting for my afternoon appointment excruciating.  Still, the time finally arrived.  I advised my doctor of the issues we'd been having and then we looked at the ultrasound to see what was going on.

The good news:  there was a baby--and only one (we don't have to buy tons of new stuff--whew!).  The baby measured .56 cm, which was exactly on target, and had a strong heart rate of 123 (I giggle every time I type this because Lil' Bit has recently learned to count to three, so when I type it, in my mind I hear her say 'one, two, free'--but I digress).  However, the doctor was concerned with the cramping and bleeding and put me on bed rest (he called it a vacation from work, but I'll be working from home) for a week and a half or so, followed-up by another ultrasound.  He said he was pleased with what he saw but, "now that we got you a baby, we have to fight for it."

So, here I am, fighting for my adorable jellybean by laying on the sofa with a laptop on my stomach and drinking all the water I can stand.  It's frustrating, but it beats the alternative.  EDD:  November 4.  Grow, baby, grow!