To Share or Not to Share; That is the Question

Having waited, talked, prayed, and listened, the long and short of it is, we paid our deposit and we're on the calendar for another FET in February.  Given the general timing of things, it looks like we're probably talking mid-February, which means making sure to miss Ash Wednesday since it falls nice and early on the 13th this coming year.  Other than that, I'm trying to do my best not to calculate or plan anything and just go with the flow.

I'm also trying to let 2013 be a new year, with new hopes and dreams; trying to leave my fears and disappointments from the failed FETs behind.  But, it's hard not to think about Oliver, since he was a February FET, too.  In fact, because of that, I was pretty conflicted about doing another February FET.  However, the plan was to follow the guidance we received, and that guidance said February.  So, emotional conflict or not, February it is, with shots starting sometime next month.

With that said, I don't know yet how much of the process I'll blog.  I'm just not sure what there is to say that I haven't already said.  I've already documented all the conflict, the excitement, the great roller coaster of hormones and emotions, the hope of success, the fear of failure.  I've already learned I'm tough enough to do this.  I already know how hard it is and how wonderful it is to have support.  I've already explored success, loss, and complete failure.  What I haven't explored yet is privacy.  I'm wondering what it's like to keep more of the process intimate and personal and not share as much.

In that vein, I'm interested in your thoughts, dear readers.  Do you want to come along again, or are you just as happy waiting for the big reveal?  Although I write for myself, I have been told that others have found my blog helpful.  So, tell me, is it helpful getting the day-to-day stuff, even if some of it is repetitive?  What do you find interesting?  What do you want to hear about?

In any event, for now, I'm still sharing.  And what we have to share is this:  We're trying again in February.  Here goes everything.

A Grief Divided

There is an old saying that has come in many forms, but boils down to:  A joy shared is a joy multiplied; a grief shared is a grief divided.  I have come to understand this "proverb" a little better this week in two ways.

First, I found out that my blog has helped several people dealing with similar issues.  I was so pleased to hear this because that was one of the purposes of my blog.  Although the main purpose was to have a place to get my feelings out so that I could deal with them, opening the dialogue so that other women did not have to feel alone has always been part of this process.  So, even though my blog posts don't usually generate a hundred hits, the fact that it is helping someone is wonderful news to me.

On the flip side, I have been blessed and humbled to read blog posts by other women who experienced loss that, in retrospect, seems so much more difficult than what I faced.  I am amazed at their strength and grateful that they took the time to share their grief with the world because, just as my stories have helped others, their stories have helped me.  They are both women who had the courage and hope to try pregnancy again after having stillborn children.

Here are their stories:

Erica Crum - Remembering Kinley

Lucy - What I Never Knew I Wanted

One of the things I have struggled with as I consider whether I am willing to try again is, how do I not be anxious?  How do I experience joy when I know it can be gone in an instant?  At what point will it be "safe" to prepare for the child?

Recently, I heard another story about a baby born at 27 weeks to a couple who had undergone infertility treatments for several years.  The baby weighed less than 2 pounds and had severe medical issues.  All of these stories together made me realize something.  There's never a safe month.  Babies can miscarry, be stillborn, die shortly after birth, early in childhood, as teenagers, young adults, or adults.  They can die from medical problems, accidents, or other people's intentional bad acts.  There is nothing safe about trying to bring another life into the world and there is no point at which the loss does not hurt.  The trick is in finding the joy in each day, loving them as hard as you can, as much as you can, every moment you have them.  This truth was shown to me in the most recent post from Erica Crum in which she stated:

Today, I'm 29 weeks pregnant, the same day in pregnancy that Kinley was born. Every single day from now on is a day longer than I got to have with Kinley. Thank you Lord for the blessing of each and every day with her for years and years to come!!!!!

This, to me, is an amazing affirmation of living in the moment and taking joy in each day.  We never know how long we, or our children, will be in this world.  So let's all make sure we make the most of it.