Novel Issues, or Why My Love Affair with Romance Novels is Waning

I'm going to start with a confession.  I am a lifelong romance novel addict.  I started purchasing teen romance novels when I was 11 and, by 14, my best friend and I were devouring bodice-rippers that featured Fabio on the cover.  These days, I tend to prefer contemporary romance, but I have read all different kinds through the years.  The ones set in older times have always had something of a "rape-fantasy" quality to them, which is why I don't really care for them.  But, although certainly not true of all of them, I have come across more and more contemporary romance novels that appear to feed into a culture of rape.  As someone raising a daughter, this absolutely terrifies me.

But these are just stories, right?  They aren't real, so it doesn't matter.  But it does!  How many generations of young women are we still working to reprogram because they were raised on princess myths and are still waiting for Prince Charming to arrive.  I remember when I read the Twilight series.  I really enjoyed the storytelling, but there was no take-away message from those books.  I don't want my daughter to think that any of the relationships in those books are appropriate.  And the truth is, we can write great books and great stories without these underlying rape myths that would lost nothing in the telling.

Here are a few examples:

First, what is with describing consensual (and, given the story context, pleasurable) kissing as "assaulting" or "assailing" someone?  Although every state has its own definition, at common law, an assault is an intentional act that causes another to fear immediate harmful or offensive contact.  If the kissing is enjoyable and mutual, there is nothing harmful or offensive about it.  Thus, assault is not even an appropriate word.  The kissing might be confusing, overwhelming, intense, unrelenting.  Who knows!  There are so many words out there.  Use a thesaurus if you have to, but for goodness sake, quit using criminal words to describe it!  Save "assault" for when someone is being kissed and doesn't want to be.

Next, there seem to be a lot of stories where the "hero" can no longer control himself and just has to kiss (or fondle) the woman.  But, if the woman doesn't want to be kissed, this is more than just assault--this is battery.  And yet, our "heroines" always capitulate.  They are stiff for a few seconds and then "give in."  I am amazed at how many books describe the men as "forcing" the woman's mouth open with his tongue and the woman just sighs and wraps her arms around him, begging for more.  Really?!  This is what we want people to think is appropriate behavior?  How is this not teaching men that forcing themselves on women will ultimately make the women respond in a positive way?  Furthermore, why is it that all of these fine, upstanding "heroes" suddenly lose all ability to control their conduct around these women.  It just reinforces the absurd belief that women cause rape simply by existing.  Just by being around these man, they have so tempted him that he cannot control himself and is simply unable to conform his conduct to the appropriate societal standards.

I don't know that these authors mean to give these types of messages.  Perhaps they are unconsciously including them because our society is already conditioned to accept them.  I don't have any answers.  Maybe it doesn't bother anyone else, but it sure as heck bothers me, and if I don't speak up and share my discomfort and concern, nobody knows.  Still, I'd love to have some feedback.  Do you see the same thing and have the same concerns?  Do you have any ideas how to "fix" it?  Do you think I'm overreacting?

A Grief Divided

There is an old saying that has come in many forms, but boils down to:  A joy shared is a joy multiplied; a grief shared is a grief divided.  I have come to understand this "proverb" a little better this week in two ways.

First, I found out that my blog has helped several people dealing with similar issues.  I was so pleased to hear this because that was one of the purposes of my blog.  Although the main purpose was to have a place to get my feelings out so that I could deal with them, opening the dialogue so that other women did not have to feel alone has always been part of this process.  So, even though my blog posts don't usually generate a hundred hits, the fact that it is helping someone is wonderful news to me.

On the flip side, I have been blessed and humbled to read blog posts by other women who experienced loss that, in retrospect, seems so much more difficult than what I faced.  I am amazed at their strength and grateful that they took the time to share their grief with the world because, just as my stories have helped others, their stories have helped me.  They are both women who had the courage and hope to try pregnancy again after having stillborn children.

Here are their stories:

Erica Crum - Remembering Kinley

Lucy - What I Never Knew I Wanted

One of the things I have struggled with as I consider whether I am willing to try again is, how do I not be anxious?  How do I experience joy when I know it can be gone in an instant?  At what point will it be "safe" to prepare for the child?

Recently, I heard another story about a baby born at 27 weeks to a couple who had undergone infertility treatments for several years.  The baby weighed less than 2 pounds and had severe medical issues.  All of these stories together made me realize something.  There's never a safe month.  Babies can miscarry, be stillborn, die shortly after birth, early in childhood, as teenagers, young adults, or adults.  They can die from medical problems, accidents, or other people's intentional bad acts.  There is nothing safe about trying to bring another life into the world and there is no point at which the loss does not hurt.  The trick is in finding the joy in each day, loving them as hard as you can, as much as you can, every moment you have them.  This truth was shown to me in the most recent post from Erica Crum in which she stated:

Today, I'm 29 weeks pregnant, the same day in pregnancy that Kinley was born. Every single day from now on is a day longer than I got to have with Kinley. Thank you Lord for the blessing of each and every day with her for years and years to come!!!!!

This, to me, is an amazing affirmation of living in the moment and taking joy in each day.  We never know how long we, or our children, will be in this world.  So let's all make sure we make the most of it.