Remembering Gratitude

Today at church, a friend gave a powerful testimony about a lesson she had learned this week.  Her lesson was best summed up in her last sentence--you can't be pitiful and grateful at the same time.  It was a timely reminder to me that, in the midst of preparing for the whirlwind to come, I have much to be grateful for.  So, I wanted to take a moment and give thanks.

I am thankful for:

1) Being a parent.  As hard as all this surgery and medical stuff is, I am blessed that my journey with infertility ended with my having children.  Not everyone is successful, and I am grateful that I was one of the lucky ones who was.

2) My marriage and my husband.  Marriage is hard enough.  Ours has survived law school, infertility, and high needs children.  I am so lucky and so grateful that he has my back and that we're in this together.

3) My family--both by birth and by marriage.  They have been so supportive in all of the difficult moments.  Just feeling loved and supported can do so much to get me through the day.

4) My job and my co-workers.  I am lucky to have a job I love and to work with people whose company I enjoy and whose opinions I value.  They have also been a great support to me, finding ways to help and reminding me it's okay to cry, even if I am at work.

5) Health insurance.  I am grateful to have good health insurance. I am also grateful that there are no longer pre-existing conditions or lifetime maximums, so I don't have to worry about my children being uninsurable before they are even 5.

6) Reliable transportation.  With all of the trips to the doctor, including lots of trips to Detroit, I am grateful that my car is in good condition and I don't worry about whether I can make it all of the places I need to be.

7) Our medical providers.  I am grateful for such an amazing group of doctors--both for me and for my children.  Having confidence in their care makes things so much easier on me.

8) My special people.  I am lucky to have friends, near and far, who do amazing things for me.  Whether sending prayers, providing pick-me-ups, giving hugs, standing beside me when times are tough, coordinating care for my family, providing food and clothing, babysitting, messaging to make sure I'm okay, or any of the other myriad ways they show their love, I am blessed by and grateful for each and every one of my friends.

I know that the next few months, maybe even years, are going to test me.  I am so grateful for all of the blessings I have that will help me not merely survive the times to come, but find the joy and love present there as well.  And, hopefully, even in the dark times yet to come, I will remember to be grateful for all I have.

Dayenu

With Easter approaching, and having just watched Prince of Egypt, I have been thinking about Passover--the celebration of the Exodus from Egypt.  As I have been working through my dark night of the soul  recently, I have been reminded that each of us has periods in our lives that feel like exile; when God does not seem to be present.

Less than three years ago, I was in a period of exile, angry at God and the world, struggling to understand my infertility, and wondering if and how I would ever have children.  God took me from exile by blessing me with Lil' Bit.  Frustratingly, exile returned as we coped with her medical condition and surgery, although we also felt many blessings during that time as well.  Blessings overflowed as she got better and we achieved pregnancy again.  Alas, exile returned with the loss of Oliver.  But, as I have mourned the loss of Oliver this last month, occasionally, I remembered to give thanks for Lil' Bit.  See, these last 16 months with her made it easy to forget that once I wasn't sure if I would ever have any children.

And so, as I struggle to reconcile my emotional need for additional children with the knowledge that, with Lil' Bit's needs, I don't know that I would be a good parent if I had more, I try to remember God's presence.  I remind myself that it is there, regardless of whether I can see it or feel it.  And, as frustrating as it is, I try to relinquish control; to let go and let God.  I try to let His will be done, whatever that is.  And I try to remember to give thanks for all that He has already done for me.

Which brings me back to Passover.  As I understand it (since it's not my tradition), at Passover, there is a song that is often sung called Dayenu, which means, roughly, it would have been enough.  Each of the stanzas of the song celebrate what God has done and are followed by "dayenu."  Any of these things would have been enough, but God did so much more.  And as I reflect, I realize that the same is true for me.  Which brings me to my own, personal, Dayenu:

It would have been enough...if He had brought me out of a bad marriage.

It would have been enough...if He had led me to Phil.

It would have been enough...if He had provided a full scholarship to law school.

It would have been enough...if He had led me to the job of my dreams.

It would have been enough...if He had granted me children.

And He did.  He granted me Lil' Bit.  And so, ultimately, if she is all I get, she is enough.  She is more than enough.  She is dayenu.

Lightning Does Strike Twice

It's official--we're pregnant again!  Both betas are back and the news is all good.  Today was rough, though.  I had my blood test at 7:00 a.m.  Monday's results had come to me at 9:00 a.m., so I expected something similar today.  No dice.  I still had no call by 12:30 p.m.  I had just about decided I would call them around 2:00 p.m. when Phil called me to tell me there was a message on the phone at home to call them (they had never called me at that number before).  Well, they are closed from 12 to 1 for lunch, but I called and left a message anyway and said to call my cell.  Sometime around 1:15, I guess, I got the call.

Monday's beta was 68, so the magic number we *thought* we were looking for today was 136.  We got 119.  My initial thought was to totally freak out, but before I did, I managed to notice that the lady at the other end was still talking in a happy voice.  So, I managed to push down most of my fear and listen.  Apparently, they look for the number to "roughly" double, because the doubling time is 48 to 72 hours.  Because the beta tests were only 48 hours apart, 80% of the way to doubling is well within that range.  Yay!  I double-checked with the nurse that it didn't need to be higher and she assured me the numbers were fine.  However, she offered to order another test in two days if we wanted, but I told her I was willing to take her word for it.  [She has no idea how big a step that is for me!]  I texted Phil right away so he could put the news out, and I posted a picture of Lil' Bit in her new "I'm the big sister" shirt.  [We actually let her wear it to daycare today we were feeling so good about the news from Monday.]

The plan from here (because you must know by now that there will be a plan and I will share it) is that we have our ultrasound scheduled for March 1--which will be just over 6 weeks pregnant if I calculated correctly--at which point they can tell us if we're having twins.  My guess is no, particularly in light of my numbers, but you never know.  So, any betting folks out there?  Boy?  Girl?  Both?  A pair and a spare?  Before you ask, I have no preferences boy or girl, but my guess is that it's a boy.  I would prefer just one, but I will take what I get and be thrilled to bits.  For now, I'm just basking in the glow and totally amazed that we managed to have successful IVF cycles on the first try both times.  I am dumbfounded, but also truly blessed and grateful.