I went for my best test Monday with much trepidation. Fortunately, my results arrived a mere one hour after the blood was taken, which was a relief because waiting until 4:00 in the afternoon is always torture. My HCG level was 90. The nurse reported that this was a "strong" number. Yay! Honestly, if you had asked me what kind of number I needed to feel relieved, I couldn't have told you. But, apparently, 90 fell within that zone. I was cautiously optimistic once again. Still, even a "strong" initial number wasn't going to soothe my frayed nerves unless it doubled by this morning.
In the world of infertility, the two days between beta tests feels longer than the two-week wait. So, we do the only thing we can--try and find solace and comfort on the internet. In that vein, yesterday evening, I spent some time Googling about miscarriages and betas and all types of things. I learned that my numbers don't rule anything out--we could have one, two, or three babies in there; I learned that my chance of another miscarriage was not a large as I believed; and I learned (again) that there is a limit to the utility of internet. Having exhausted what it had to offer, I hung up my searching shoes and went to bed. Nothing to do but wait.
Woke up this morning to roughly 6 inches of snow. Blerg. I diligently headed out in the crappy weather to attempt to get my blood drawn at roughly the same time it was taken on Monday. Since we wanted actual doubling--nothing less would sooth my soul since Oliver had only increased 80%--the magic number we needed this morning was 180. I said a little prayer on my way in, got my blood drawn, and then went about my day. Shockingly, I promptly forgot that I was waiting on a phone call until the phone rang. I immediately had a giant lump in my throat. My results were in--quite early again, thank goodness. The nurse chatted with me for a bit and then we got down to business. And the answer was.....194!!!! We had slightly more than doubled! Woo freaking Hoo! I did a dance of joy and immediately texted Phil.
At this point, I am feeling very good. I know that things can still go wonky, but all indicators are that we're going to be fine. Sometime between now and the ultrasound appointment in two weeks I might get a little nervous. Indeed, until we see a/those tiny blinking heart(s) on the monitor, I'm not sure anything will really relax me. But, I am definitely feeling good. The news I got is the best I could get at this point, so I will take comfort in that. Besides, every step we make it this time is one step further than the last FET where we didn't get anything at all, and that's something worth celebrating all by itself.
So. In sum. "Strong" initial HCG levels that are doubling like they are supposed to. Whew! Now I can quit worrying about that and get geared up for Lil' Bit's surgery next week! Ah, the life of a parent. Never a dull moment! And I wouldn't change that for anything.
Showing posts with label beta tests. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beta tests. Show all posts
2.27.2013
10.01.2012
Plan B
So, today was the big day. Sadly, although not surprisingly, my beta test was negative. In fact, it was not even close. I could tell it must be practically 0 because they told me I could stop my meds. I was right--it was a less than 2. I will go ahead and have another beta on Wednesday just to make sure nothing strange is going on, but that's it. We hit the top, took the straight drop to the bottom and pulled into the station. We have officially ended our fertility journey. I am sad that I am not pregnant, and I am sad that Lil' Bit will not have siblings, but I will not miss the roller coaster, or the shots, or the physical and emotional toll that trying again would require.
So, what happens now? First, some tlc for ourselves. FYI, it turns out that no amount of pre-grieving would have allowed me to stay at work and focus today. And, since I no longer needed to save vacation time for maternity leave, I took the day off. I went out to lunch with my bff and got lots of hugs and support. I also went out and got myself a sassy new haircut to celebrate. What is there to celebrate? My new beginning. Because this isn't just an end.
Second, I called my doctor's office and scheduled an appointment for discussing/scheduling my hysterectomy. I am so excited about the potential end of all the pain and problems I had suffered for 25 years or so.
Third, I signed up to walk a half-marathon with my sister next year. We had done it twice before and I had talked to her before the procedure was scheduled to set this up a plan B. So, this afternoon, we both signed up. Now, I can spend time training and getting in shape.
Fourth, we are filling out the paperwork to donate our remaining embryos to the clinic for couples who are waiting. There's currently a 12- to 15-month waiting period and we want to help alleviate that wait for at least one couple if we can.
Finally, over the next few months, I will sort through all of the baby clothes and gear we have that we won't need any more and gift it or give it away. It will be nice to release all of that stuff to make room for whatever comes next.
None of this is to say that we are not sad and feeling broken and raw. There is much to grieve and I have no idea how long that will take. But, honestly, knowing this was our last time before we started has made this much easier in so many ways. There's no fretting about trying again. We aren't stuck in a holding pattern.
And we know that we are lucky. We are still parents. We have an amazing toddler that we get to help become whoever she is going to be. In that respect, we won the IVF lotto. But tonight, I think we will hold her a little tighter and be just a little more thankful that we have her. Because after all we have been through, she seems more fragile, more precious, and even more of a miracle.
So, what happens now? First, some tlc for ourselves. FYI, it turns out that no amount of pre-grieving would have allowed me to stay at work and focus today. And, since I no longer needed to save vacation time for maternity leave, I took the day off. I went out to lunch with my bff and got lots of hugs and support. I also went out and got myself a sassy new haircut to celebrate. What is there to celebrate? My new beginning. Because this isn't just an end.
Second, I called my doctor's office and scheduled an appointment for discussing/scheduling my hysterectomy. I am so excited about the potential end of all the pain and problems I had suffered for 25 years or so.
Third, I signed up to walk a half-marathon with my sister next year. We had done it twice before and I had talked to her before the procedure was scheduled to set this up a plan B. So, this afternoon, we both signed up. Now, I can spend time training and getting in shape.
Fourth, we are filling out the paperwork to donate our remaining embryos to the clinic for couples who are waiting. There's currently a 12- to 15-month waiting period and we want to help alleviate that wait for at least one couple if we can.
Finally, over the next few months, I will sort through all of the baby clothes and gear we have that we won't need any more and gift it or give it away. It will be nice to release all of that stuff to make room for whatever comes next.
None of this is to say that we are not sad and feeling broken and raw. There is much to grieve and I have no idea how long that will take. But, honestly, knowing this was our last time before we started has made this much easier in so many ways. There's no fretting about trying again. We aren't stuck in a holding pattern.
And we know that we are lucky. We are still parents. We have an amazing toddler that we get to help become whoever she is going to be. In that respect, we won the IVF lotto. But tonight, I think we will hold her a little tighter and be just a little more thankful that we have her. Because after all we have been through, she seems more fragile, more precious, and even more of a miracle.
9.30.2012
The Love/Hate Relationship With HPTs
I know I said I wasn't posting anything until tomorrow, but since the whole point is to share the journey, here's what's been going on the last week or so.
Fertility clinics and many fertility patients will tell you that hpts (home pregnancy tests) are evil. Why? Because they can be wrong and cause extra turmoil on an already rough road. For people doing fresh cycles, if they are done too early, they can pick up the hCG from the trigger shot, causing a potential false positive. For other people, they can cause false negatives because the hCG amount is too small to be picked up on the hpt even though the person is pregnant. For me, they have been emotionally taxing, but I am ultimatelly glad I chose to use them.
Before I explain, here is some terminology from the ttc (trying to conceive) community:
3dt = 3-day transfer, i.e., the embryos are 3 days old at the time of transfer
dpt = days past transfer
dpo = days past ovulation
Thus, 2dp3dt means 2 days past a 3-day transfer, which is equivalent to 5dpo.
Now, where was I? Ah, yes. When I went through my fresh cycle with Lil' Bit. I followed the advice of the clinic and refused to use an hpt. I was afraid that a negative would cause too much despair and a positive would make me question whether it was just residual trigger shot. I would question the result either way. So, if it couldn't give me any answers to make me feel better, I wasn't going to use it. At 11dp3dt, my beta was 22 and, based on the subsequent numbers, she more than doubled every 48 hours. Since many hpts only have a sensitivity of 25 and the lowest I've seen is 15, my pregnancy with her likely wouldn't have shown up on an hpt before the beta.
When I went through the first FET, I decided that since there was no trigger shot, there was nothing to cause a false positive, so I would give it a try. I first used an hpt 8dp3dt and got a very light positive, which got darker over the next few days of testing. The positive result was confirmed by my blood beta test, which was done 11dp3dt.
Having had two successful transfers (i.e., both achieved pregnancy even though I miscarried with the second), I saw no reason to expect anything different and I began testing at 6dp3dt. My plan was to see how early the test would show me those two lines. Well, the plan blew up in my face. I got negatives both 6 and 7dp3dt, but I wasn't surprised because it was still extremely early. However, as the days went by, every morning I got the same thing: a negative. Each new negative made it less likely that I was pregnant. I was not without hope, however.
According to my research, the latest a blastocyst will implant is 10dpo or 7dp3dt. If implantation occurred that late, it was unlikely to show up this morning on even the most sensitive test. In addition, I looked back at my numbers from Lil' Bit and, as noted above, that pregnancy probably would not have showed up on an hpt. So, it's still possible. How probable it is I don't know. There are no statistics for how many embryos implant late and, of those, how many take, etc. etc. All I can do is wait.
We won't get an official answer until sometime tomorrow. And the truth is, even then, we go back for another beta on Wednesday because it's possible that it will show an increase even if the first number is super low. So, even a negative tomorrow isn't definitive--although it certainly makes that outcome more likely. But, as much as I have been all over the place these last few days with the negative results and trying to hold on to hope, I think that I am ultimately glad I tested. It has helped me pre-grieve and prepare myself for a negative. That way, if it comes, I will be more capable of holding myself together at work tomorrow. And, if I get a positive instead, I will be that much more excited.
Fertility clinics and many fertility patients will tell you that hpts (home pregnancy tests) are evil. Why? Because they can be wrong and cause extra turmoil on an already rough road. For people doing fresh cycles, if they are done too early, they can pick up the hCG from the trigger shot, causing a potential false positive. For other people, they can cause false negatives because the hCG amount is too small to be picked up on the hpt even though the person is pregnant. For me, they have been emotionally taxing, but I am ultimatelly glad I chose to use them.
Before I explain, here is some terminology from the ttc (trying to conceive) community:
3dt = 3-day transfer, i.e., the embryos are 3 days old at the time of transfer
dpt = days past transfer
dpo = days past ovulation
Thus, 2dp3dt means 2 days past a 3-day transfer, which is equivalent to 5dpo.
Now, where was I? Ah, yes. When I went through my fresh cycle with Lil' Bit. I followed the advice of the clinic and refused to use an hpt. I was afraid that a negative would cause too much despair and a positive would make me question whether it was just residual trigger shot. I would question the result either way. So, if it couldn't give me any answers to make me feel better, I wasn't going to use it. At 11dp3dt, my beta was 22 and, based on the subsequent numbers, she more than doubled every 48 hours. Since many hpts only have a sensitivity of 25 and the lowest I've seen is 15, my pregnancy with her likely wouldn't have shown up on an hpt before the beta.
When I went through the first FET, I decided that since there was no trigger shot, there was nothing to cause a false positive, so I would give it a try. I first used an hpt 8dp3dt and got a very light positive, which got darker over the next few days of testing. The positive result was confirmed by my blood beta test, which was done 11dp3dt.
Having had two successful transfers (i.e., both achieved pregnancy even though I miscarried with the second), I saw no reason to expect anything different and I began testing at 6dp3dt. My plan was to see how early the test would show me those two lines. Well, the plan blew up in my face. I got negatives both 6 and 7dp3dt, but I wasn't surprised because it was still extremely early. However, as the days went by, every morning I got the same thing: a negative. Each new negative made it less likely that I was pregnant. I was not without hope, however.
According to my research, the latest a blastocyst will implant is 10dpo or 7dp3dt. If implantation occurred that late, it was unlikely to show up this morning on even the most sensitive test. In addition, I looked back at my numbers from Lil' Bit and, as noted above, that pregnancy probably would not have showed up on an hpt. So, it's still possible. How probable it is I don't know. There are no statistics for how many embryos implant late and, of those, how many take, etc. etc. All I can do is wait.
We won't get an official answer until sometime tomorrow. And the truth is, even then, we go back for another beta on Wednesday because it's possible that it will show an increase even if the first number is super low. So, even a negative tomorrow isn't definitive--although it certainly makes that outcome more likely. But, as much as I have been all over the place these last few days with the negative results and trying to hold on to hope, I think that I am ultimately glad I tested. It has helped me pre-grieve and prepare myself for a negative. That way, if it comes, I will be more capable of holding myself together at work tomorrow. And, if I get a positive instead, I will be that much more excited.
2.27.2012
Where Do We Go From Here
As is evident from my last post, the blood test on Saturday did not bring good news. My hCG level had dropped to 200. My doctor's office called me with the news and had me stop my medications. Thus began the long process of waiting for nature to take its course. It is extremely difficult to process the loss and attempt healing when the loss is still ongoing. I also know that I will spend the next few weeks or so having to inform those people who, for whatever reason, don't yet know that we lost the baby.
As sad as I am about the loss, I also have some relief. The truth is, ever since the numbers didn't double within 48 hours, I wondered about the viability of the pregnancy. I know the doctor said it was fine, but given how easily Lil' Bit's numbers doubled, I'm not sure I ever believed it. And, once the spotting started, I was pretty sure it was all over. I know there are lots of reasons women bleed and that some do go on to carry babies to term. Still, it was just another sign. And, if I'm being honest, I would not have felt much relief if the number Saturday had come back doubled. I would have spent the whole pregnancy worrying, and anxiety wouldn't have been good for either of us. I'm not sure anything would have reassured me. I'm also grateful that it happened at home. I think it would have been much worse if we had gotten to the ultrasound this Thursday and discovered no heartbeat. Not only would the news have been devastating, but I would have had to deal with all the emotions there in public at the doctor's office and then figure out how to explain why I wasn't coming back to work. Experiencing it at home, before Lil' Bit ever woke up, when Phil and I had time together and alone to process everything was ideal--at least, as ideal as that situation ever can be.
Up next is figuring out where we are and what we want to do. We meet with the doctor this Thursday, on what would have been our ultrasound appointment, to talk about what happens next. One of the questions he'll answer is how long we have to wait if we do, in fact, decide to try again. I'll have another blood test on Friday to make sure my hCG levels have dropped back under 5. If not, I'll have to undergo medical intervention to complete the process. In addition, Phil and I have to figure out if we have both the emotional and monetary capital available to spend on another attempt. Even if we decided right here and now that we wanted to try again, we would still wait. Not just to let my body heal, but to avoid trying during the Lenten/Easter season when our household is already taxed and stressed (Plus, with Phil's job, we really need to avoid a Christmas due date).
As we travel down this road, we will talk to each other; check in with where we are and how we feel; reach a decision together; and be gentle with one another as we heal.
As sad as I am about the loss, I also have some relief. The truth is, ever since the numbers didn't double within 48 hours, I wondered about the viability of the pregnancy. I know the doctor said it was fine, but given how easily Lil' Bit's numbers doubled, I'm not sure I ever believed it. And, once the spotting started, I was pretty sure it was all over. I know there are lots of reasons women bleed and that some do go on to carry babies to term. Still, it was just another sign. And, if I'm being honest, I would not have felt much relief if the number Saturday had come back doubled. I would have spent the whole pregnancy worrying, and anxiety wouldn't have been good for either of us. I'm not sure anything would have reassured me. I'm also grateful that it happened at home. I think it would have been much worse if we had gotten to the ultrasound this Thursday and discovered no heartbeat. Not only would the news have been devastating, but I would have had to deal with all the emotions there in public at the doctor's office and then figure out how to explain why I wasn't coming back to work. Experiencing it at home, before Lil' Bit ever woke up, when Phil and I had time together and alone to process everything was ideal--at least, as ideal as that situation ever can be.
Up next is figuring out where we are and what we want to do. We meet with the doctor this Thursday, on what would have been our ultrasound appointment, to talk about what happens next. One of the questions he'll answer is how long we have to wait if we do, in fact, decide to try again. I'll have another blood test on Friday to make sure my hCG levels have dropped back under 5. If not, I'll have to undergo medical intervention to complete the process. In addition, Phil and I have to figure out if we have both the emotional and monetary capital available to spend on another attempt. Even if we decided right here and now that we wanted to try again, we would still wait. Not just to let my body heal, but to avoid trying during the Lenten/Easter season when our household is already taxed and stressed (Plus, with Phil's job, we really need to avoid a Christmas due date).
As we travel down this road, we will talk to each other; check in with where we are and how we feel; reach a decision together; and be gentle with one another as we heal.
2.23.2012
Anxious Waiting
*WARNING--not for the squeamish*
I don't even know where to begin. Today was rough. It started with my dream that I was having a miscarriage. When I woke up and went to the restroom, I discovered lots of blood and some tissue. After anxiously waiting for the fertility center to open, I called them and talked with a nurse. By then the bleeding had slowed down to more like spotting and stopped entirely by 9:00. The nurse calculated that it was too early to see anything by ultrasound, so they sent me for a blood test and said I would hear back this afternoon about the results and whether I needed to increase my meds.
I had the test at roughly 10:30. Then I waited.
While I waited, I worked from home so that I would get the call whether they called my cell or my house. I'm glad I did both--The working helped take my mind off of things but being at home helped me be more comfortable and cry when I needed to. Still, as the day crept along and I heard nothing, I got more anxious. I called and left a message with the nurse at 2:55. I called again at 4:25. knowing the office closed at 4:30, but got put back into the nurse's mailbox. Around 4:45 I finally got a call from a different, baffled nurse, indicating that she had my blood test results but wondering why I had gone. I did my best not to cry too much as I explained everything again (Really?! It wasn't in my chart?!). It was the first time I have ever felt that the care I got there was less than 100%. Let's hope it's the last. Anyway, after I explained everything, she gave me my result: 931.
The good news--this is a good number. It means my hCG levels have been doubling roughly every 2.7 days up until now. The bad news--it doesn't tell them anything about today. So, I have another beta test on Saturday to see if my numbers are still increasing properly after today's incident. I'm also supposed to increase my progesterone. So, now, all I can do is wait. Anxiously. On the plus side, I have never been happier to have a toddler to keep my mind off of the waiting.
I don't even know where to begin. Today was rough. It started with my dream that I was having a miscarriage. When I woke up and went to the restroom, I discovered lots of blood and some tissue. After anxiously waiting for the fertility center to open, I called them and talked with a nurse. By then the bleeding had slowed down to more like spotting and stopped entirely by 9:00. The nurse calculated that it was too early to see anything by ultrasound, so they sent me for a blood test and said I would hear back this afternoon about the results and whether I needed to increase my meds.
I had the test at roughly 10:30. Then I waited.
While I waited, I worked from home so that I would get the call whether they called my cell or my house. I'm glad I did both--The working helped take my mind off of things but being at home helped me be more comfortable and cry when I needed to. Still, as the day crept along and I heard nothing, I got more anxious. I called and left a message with the nurse at 2:55. I called again at 4:25. knowing the office closed at 4:30, but got put back into the nurse's mailbox. Around 4:45 I finally got a call from a different, baffled nurse, indicating that she had my blood test results but wondering why I had gone. I did my best not to cry too much as I explained everything again (Really?! It wasn't in my chart?!). It was the first time I have ever felt that the care I got there was less than 100%. Let's hope it's the last. Anyway, after I explained everything, she gave me my result: 931.
The good news--this is a good number. It means my hCG levels have been doubling roughly every 2.7 days up until now. The bad news--it doesn't tell them anything about today. So, I have another beta test on Saturday to see if my numbers are still increasing properly after today's incident. I'm also supposed to increase my progesterone. So, now, all I can do is wait. Anxiously. On the plus side, I have never been happier to have a toddler to keep my mind off of the waiting.
2.15.2012
Lightning Does Strike Twice
It's official--we're pregnant again! Both betas are back and the news is all good. Today was rough, though. I had my blood test at 7:00 a.m. Monday's results had come to me at 9:00 a.m., so I expected something similar today. No dice. I still had no call by 12:30 p.m. I had just about decided I would call them around 2:00 p.m. when Phil called me to tell me there was a message on the phone at home to call them (they had never called me at that number before). Well, they are closed from 12 to 1 for lunch, but I called and left a message anyway and said to call my cell. Sometime around 1:15, I guess, I got the call.
Monday's beta was 68, so the magic number we *thought* we were looking for today was 136. We got 119. My initial thought was to totally freak out, but before I did, I managed to notice that the lady at the other end was still talking in a happy voice. So, I managed to push down most of my fear and listen. Apparently, they look for the number to "roughly" double, because the doubling time is 48 to 72 hours. Because the beta tests were only 48 hours apart, 80% of the way to doubling is well within that range. Yay! I double-checked with the nurse that it didn't need to be higher and she assured me the numbers were fine. However, she offered to order another test in two days if we wanted, but I told her I was willing to take her word for it. [She has no idea how big a step that is for me!] I texted Phil right away so he could put the news out, and I posted a picture of Lil' Bit in her new "I'm the big sister" shirt. [We actually let her wear it to daycare today we were feeling so good about the news from Monday.]
The plan from here (because you must know by now that there will be a plan and I will share it) is that we have our ultrasound scheduled for March 1--which will be just over 6 weeks pregnant if I calculated correctly--at which point they can tell us if we're having twins. My guess is no, particularly in light of my numbers, but you never know. So, any betting folks out there? Boy? Girl? Both? A pair and a spare? Before you ask, I have no preferences boy or girl, but my guess is that it's a boy. I would prefer just one, but I will take what I get and be thrilled to bits. For now, I'm just basking in the glow and totally amazed that we managed to have successful IVF cycles on the first try both times. I am dumbfounded, but also truly blessed and grateful.
Monday's beta was 68, so the magic number we *thought* we were looking for today was 136. We got 119. My initial thought was to totally freak out, but before I did, I managed to notice that the lady at the other end was still talking in a happy voice. So, I managed to push down most of my fear and listen. Apparently, they look for the number to "roughly" double, because the doubling time is 48 to 72 hours. Because the beta tests were only 48 hours apart, 80% of the way to doubling is well within that range. Yay! I double-checked with the nurse that it didn't need to be higher and she assured me the numbers were fine. However, she offered to order another test in two days if we wanted, but I told her I was willing to take her word for it. [She has no idea how big a step that is for me!] I texted Phil right away so he could put the news out, and I posted a picture of Lil' Bit in her new "I'm the big sister" shirt. [We actually let her wear it to daycare today we were feeling so good about the news from Monday.]
The plan from here (because you must know by now that there will be a plan and I will share it) is that we have our ultrasound scheduled for March 1--which will be just over 6 weeks pregnant if I calculated correctly--at which point they can tell us if we're having twins. My guess is no, particularly in light of my numbers, but you never know. So, any betting folks out there? Boy? Girl? Both? A pair and a spare? Before you ask, I have no preferences boy or girl, but my guess is that it's a boy. I would prefer just one, but I will take what I get and be thrilled to bits. For now, I'm just basking in the glow and totally amazed that we managed to have successful IVF cycles on the first try both times. I am dumbfounded, but also truly blessed and grateful.
2.10.2012
The Return of the Rollercoaster
Although this post will not be published for about 5 more days, I wanted to write it because I find that it is hard to recreate the experience of feelings when I am writing after the fact. Hopefully, by the time this posts, we'll be making grand pronouncements of joy. But, because the whole purpose of this blog is to chronicle the experience, here is Friday's experience:
So, I managed to wait until today to poas. It was difficult, but I got there. And, about 1:30 a.m., I took the plunge. Here's the result:
You may not be able to see it very well, as these things aren't made for photographing, but there it is! TWO, count them, TWO lines. Although the first one is very faint, I have been told numerous time that "a line is a line is a line." I woke Phil up and said, "It's positive!" God bless him, he sleepily said, "What is?" "The hpt!" He gave me a kiss and we snuggled back in for sleep; sleep that never came for me. When the alarm went off at 4:45a.m., I had not yet fallen back to sleep. The adrenaline kept pumping! We agreed to tell our parents and 3 other people, but otherwise we wanted to keep things quiet until both betas confirmed not just the pregnancy, but its viability.
I'm glad we waited. Just a few hours later, I started experiencing horrible cramping and some spotting. I texted Phil at work to tell him and I called my clinic. The nurse called me back and reassured me that this can be totally normal and that, although its a little early to rely on the hpt, I could probably take some comfort in it, but we had to wait until Monday to do the first beta.
ARAGH! As I lay on my sofa, drinking water and trying to rest, my emotions ran all over the place. Why! Why did I have to test this morning?! Why did I get my very first 2 line test only to have the joy destroyed. But, by the time Phil came home with my comfort food lunch (Taco Bell, if you must know), I realized that my positive hpt was a blessing. If I had started cramping and spotting without that knowledge, I would have been even more of a basket case waiting until Monday. Those little lines gave me comfort and helped me get through the day.
And, my chocolate-covered strawberries arrived today! I discovered them back in 2006 when I was interning for a local judge. I have since ordered them for many special occasions and sent them out for Mother's Day. When I realized that our beta tests were going to fall around Valentine's Day, I declared that I was going to have chocolate on hand to either celebrate or drown my sorrows in. In the process of trying to decide what to get, I realized that I really wanted my strawberries. So, I ordered 2 dozen and had them shipped early. Their arrival today was most timely! I plowed through four of them shortly after getting them in the door and felt much calmer. [I also rationalized that chocolate is good for babies!]
Anyway, I think I'm on a slightly more even keel while I wait for the official betas. I haven't decided if I'll do another hpt tomorrow or Sunday. I may just wait for my betas. After all, an hpt can't tell me whether the numbers are doubling; just if the hCG is there and, according to the one today, it is. For now, the waiting continues.
So, I managed to wait until today to poas. It was difficult, but I got there. And, about 1:30 a.m., I took the plunge. Here's the result:
You may not be able to see it very well, as these things aren't made for photographing, but there it is! TWO, count them, TWO lines. Although the first one is very faint, I have been told numerous time that "a line is a line is a line." I woke Phil up and said, "It's positive!" God bless him, he sleepily said, "What is?" "The hpt!" He gave me a kiss and we snuggled back in for sleep; sleep that never came for me. When the alarm went off at 4:45a.m., I had not yet fallen back to sleep. The adrenaline kept pumping! We agreed to tell our parents and 3 other people, but otherwise we wanted to keep things quiet until both betas confirmed not just the pregnancy, but its viability.
I'm glad we waited. Just a few hours later, I started experiencing horrible cramping and some spotting. I texted Phil at work to tell him and I called my clinic. The nurse called me back and reassured me that this can be totally normal and that, although its a little early to rely on the hpt, I could probably take some comfort in it, but we had to wait until Monday to do the first beta.
ARAGH! As I lay on my sofa, drinking water and trying to rest, my emotions ran all over the place. Why! Why did I have to test this morning?! Why did I get my very first 2 line test only to have the joy destroyed. But, by the time Phil came home with my comfort food lunch (Taco Bell, if you must know), I realized that my positive hpt was a blessing. If I had started cramping and spotting without that knowledge, I would have been even more of a basket case waiting until Monday. Those little lines gave me comfort and helped me get through the day.
And, my chocolate-covered strawberries arrived today! I discovered them back in 2006 when I was interning for a local judge. I have since ordered them for many special occasions and sent them out for Mother's Day. When I realized that our beta tests were going to fall around Valentine's Day, I declared that I was going to have chocolate on hand to either celebrate or drown my sorrows in. In the process of trying to decide what to get, I realized that I really wanted my strawberries. So, I ordered 2 dozen and had them shipped early. Their arrival today was most timely! I plowed through four of them shortly after getting them in the door and felt much calmer. [I also rationalized that chocolate is good for babies!]
Anyway, I think I'm on a slightly more even keel while I wait for the official betas. I haven't decided if I'll do another hpt tomorrow or Sunday. I may just wait for my betas. After all, an hpt can't tell me whether the numbers are doubling; just if the hCG is there and, according to the one today, it is. For now, the waiting continues.
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