Being a rather stubborn, get-what-I-want-come-hell-or-high-water kind of person, I can get a little focused on a goal and forget to see other things. This has been brought home to me quite clearly as of late. As the total number of family/friends I know who are pregnant continues to grow (now above 12), I've gotten more and more focused on getting another child and my frustration at being denied that which I so desperately desire. Unfortunately, this narrow focus has made me forget to take pleasure in that which I already have--namely, Lil' Bit. Don't get me wrong, I have been loving playing with her and watching her develop and taking joy in her. But I've been taking it for granted. I assume, as we all do, that there will be a tomorrow. And, although the odds are on my side, it's not a given.
We've all heard that once you pass that 13-week threshold of pregnancy your odds of delivering a happy, healthy baby are much higher. But, it's no guarantee. And yet, most of us go through pregnancy sure that there is a next day, and a next, until we reach the finish line. Recently, a friend of a friend lost her baby at 20 weeks' gestation. I know other people who have lost babies at 15 and 17 weeks and even as late as 38 weeks. The truth is, there is no "safe" period. Not even birth. Many a parent has lost their child shortly after birth or in the first few months. But none of us dwell on it. In fact, generally after the first 6 months, when the risk of SIDS is over, we all move through life even more sure of every tomorrow.
Back when Lil' Bit first went to the hospital, I had my first moment of remembering not to take each day for granted. With her health diagnosis, the need for surgery, the actual surgery, and all of the other health issues that have come, I have been reminded that every day is not a given. And yet, when she is being a sassy toddler and running me out of what little patience I have left, I forget. I forget to marvel in her existence. I forget to tell her how much I love her. After yesterday, however, I am making a firm commitment to remember. Every day.
See, some dear friends of mine lost their 3-year-old child quite unexpectedly. When I saw the news, I had to read and re-read it many times before it sank in. My mind just couldn't accept what I was seeing. I could see pictures of this beautiful child--so close in age and personality to my own--from just days before. How could she possibly be gone? Phil and I sat in the house trying to digest this news. My very first thought was, "I can't even imagine." But, the truth is, I could imagine. That was why it was so painful. I could easily see it having been me. And I was terrified. In that instant, I didn't care whether my FET was successful. My focus was Lil' Bit and making sure I held her and that she knew how much I loved her.
And so I find myself in a very different space today. My goal is still to go forward with the FET. And I will still be sad it isn't successful. But as of this moment, it is no longer the most important thing in my life. There are way more important things--loving Lil' Bit and Phil and making sure they know how much; loving my friends through their loss and through the hard times ahead; living my life in remembrance of the fact that today could be the last day--whether mine or someone else's. I will plan for the future, but I will live for today. I will remember.
1.17.2013
1.14.2013
Now What?
Eleven days past surgery and, although things have improved, I'm not nearly where I expected to be in terms of recovery. Some days feel like two steps forward and one step back, but more recently it feels like one step forward and two steps back. All of which leads to a conundrum--do I start shots on Friday or push things out? Do I think I will feel recovered enough to put my body through transfer in a month? I just wish that my doctor's appointment was sooner than Thursday, so I could ask the surgeon how he would evaluate my progress and what he thought. Still, I'm leaning toward yes. The truth is, things will always pop up and get in the way. There is no perfect time to do anything and, goodness knows, if we're successful, we don't really get to plan anything at that point. So, might as well just roll with the punches.
On top of everything else, we recently learned that Lil' Bit has mild sleep apnea. It's possible that this has been exacerbating her pulmonary hypertension and that getting it taken care of would help her arterial pressures. It should also allow her to get more/better rest which makes everyone happier. It's easily taken care of with the removal of her tonsils and adenoids, but nothing is ever really easy with her. She has to have special anesthesia because of her condition, so we'll have to have the surgery done where she had her heart surgery. Further, she probably won't be able to do outpatient surgery because, what with her having to take meds six times a day, we have to make sure she is adequately swallowing and taking her meds before she can be released. We're hoping it can wait until April so it's after both Easter and RSV season, but we have to wait and see what her cardiologist recommends. So, lots of fun ahead.
Assuming everything goes as currently planned, 4 days and counting...
On top of everything else, we recently learned that Lil' Bit has mild sleep apnea. It's possible that this has been exacerbating her pulmonary hypertension and that getting it taken care of would help her arterial pressures. It should also allow her to get more/better rest which makes everyone happier. It's easily taken care of with the removal of her tonsils and adenoids, but nothing is ever really easy with her. She has to have special anesthesia because of her condition, so we'll have to have the surgery done where she had her heart surgery. Further, she probably won't be able to do outpatient surgery because, what with her having to take meds six times a day, we have to make sure she is adequately swallowing and taking her meds before she can be released. We're hoping it can wait until April so it's after both Easter and RSV season, but we have to wait and see what her cardiologist recommends. So, lots of fun ahead.
Assuming everything goes as currently planned, 4 days and counting...
1.09.2013
Things Can Only Get Better
***Warning--the following includes what some may consider over-sharing***
Hello, 2013. We are not off to a great start, but that is not entirely unexpected. I previously mentioned that I was starting the year with major outpatient surgery. More specifically, I had major hemorrhoid surgery. Thus, the very slow, very painful, recovery I am currently experiencing is a literal pain in the ass. I badly needed this surgery. When I went to the doctor for my surgical evaluation after a visit to the urgent care for two very thrombosed hemorrhoids, he indicated that although their policy is to avoid a hemorrhoidectomy at all costs, that was not an option for me. After the surgery was done, the doctor reiterated to Phil that the surgery had definitely been necessary. So here I sit, er lay, trying to recover. I am having to be patient and sit (lay) still and it's driving me bonkers! Phil is doing an amazing job taking care of Lil' Bit, but I feel like I'm falling down on the job. That's right. I am feeling guilty because I am recovering from surgery! Cognitively, I know that's twisted, but it doesn't stop me from having those feelings. Although I haven't figured out how to stop them, I do have a better understanding of how parents forget self-care. Thus, one of the things I am trying to do while I recover is make sure I am taking care of myself. After all, had I taken better care of myself earlier in life, I likely would not have needed the surgery. So, I am trying to use the painful recovery as an object lesson in making sure I do a better job at self-care. Here's hoping!
Also approaching is the date I start my shots for our next FET. Honestly, this date will not come soon enough. I have at least eight friends and relatives who are all pregnant. Add in all the celebrities--Duchess Kate, Kim Kardashian, Jessica Simpson--and I am an emotional puddle. On the plus side, I am no longer angry at those who are pregnant. I am joyful that they are happy and, at least as far as I know, were easily successful in their endeavor. Still, I am tired of being happy for everyone else. My joy for them seems to only compound my anger and frustration at being stuck in a holding pattern. When is it my turn? Why am I forced to pay thousands of dollars to do what reality stars on MTV do by accident? While friends and bloggers I follow are all closing down their baby-making factories and having surgery to prevent any more kids, I am angrily fighting against time to get one more in before the clock stops.
So, what has my angry, pitying self done during this recovery period (when not working from home, that is)? Tortured myself with episodes of TLC's A Baby Story, that's what. So, let's recap. I'm in pain and feeling guilty for taking the time necessary to recover from surgery while feeling totally inadequate because my infertility is keeping me from that which I desperately want and my only solution keeps failing. So, come on January 18. Get here so I can get started; so I can hope and dream again; so I can feel like I'm doing something productive--something, hopefully, REproductive. Save me from myself. Let's make this a year to remember--hopefully for the better.
9 days and counting...
Hello, 2013. We are not off to a great start, but that is not entirely unexpected. I previously mentioned that I was starting the year with major outpatient surgery. More specifically, I had major hemorrhoid surgery. Thus, the very slow, very painful, recovery I am currently experiencing is a literal pain in the ass. I badly needed this surgery. When I went to the doctor for my surgical evaluation after a visit to the urgent care for two very thrombosed hemorrhoids, he indicated that although their policy is to avoid a hemorrhoidectomy at all costs, that was not an option for me. After the surgery was done, the doctor reiterated to Phil that the surgery had definitely been necessary. So here I sit, er lay, trying to recover. I am having to be patient and sit (lay) still and it's driving me bonkers! Phil is doing an amazing job taking care of Lil' Bit, but I feel like I'm falling down on the job. That's right. I am feeling guilty because I am recovering from surgery! Cognitively, I know that's twisted, but it doesn't stop me from having those feelings. Although I haven't figured out how to stop them, I do have a better understanding of how parents forget self-care. Thus, one of the things I am trying to do while I recover is make sure I am taking care of myself. After all, had I taken better care of myself earlier in life, I likely would not have needed the surgery. So, I am trying to use the painful recovery as an object lesson in making sure I do a better job at self-care. Here's hoping!
Also approaching is the date I start my shots for our next FET. Honestly, this date will not come soon enough. I have at least eight friends and relatives who are all pregnant. Add in all the celebrities--Duchess Kate, Kim Kardashian, Jessica Simpson--and I am an emotional puddle. On the plus side, I am no longer angry at those who are pregnant. I am joyful that they are happy and, at least as far as I know, were easily successful in their endeavor. Still, I am tired of being happy for everyone else. My joy for them seems to only compound my anger and frustration at being stuck in a holding pattern. When is it my turn? Why am I forced to pay thousands of dollars to do what reality stars on MTV do by accident? While friends and bloggers I follow are all closing down their baby-making factories and having surgery to prevent any more kids, I am angrily fighting against time to get one more in before the clock stops.
So, what has my angry, pitying self done during this recovery period (when not working from home, that is)? Tortured myself with episodes of TLC's A Baby Story, that's what. So, let's recap. I'm in pain and feeling guilty for taking the time necessary to recover from surgery while feeling totally inadequate because my infertility is keeping me from that which I desperately want and my only solution keeps failing. So, come on January 18. Get here so I can get started; so I can hope and dream again; so I can feel like I'm doing something productive--something, hopefully, REproductive. Save me from myself. Let's make this a year to remember--hopefully for the better.
9 days and counting...
12.31.2012
Beginnings and Endings
Dear Readers,
This has been a rough year. It began with my one-year-old healing from open heart surgery and us learning how to function giving her meds six times a day. It continued with a miscarriage, a second failed FET, two trips to the ER while out of state, and a stomach bug that made Lil' Bit quit taking her heart meds for several days. Needless to say, I am ready for this year to be over. In fact, I don't remember ever being so ready for a year to end.
On the plus side, this year saw Lil' Bit have her first birthday party not in a hospital, and we finally got her off the sinus infection/antibiotic treadmill. I also got to see my brother and his family for the first time in a year-and-a-half, and Lil' Bit got to play with her cousin.
Sadly, the year ahead starts with major outpatient surgery for me. Not exactly something to make me want to run into the new year with open arms. But--January is also the start of our next FET. Shots begin again on the 18th! I'm excited and hopeful, and yet, some piece of me feels it's folly. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Nevertheless, we try again because, in truth, it's not the same thing every time. Besides, my heart simply cannot take anymore pregnancy announcements. For cripes sake Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a kid! I want it to be my turn. Need it to be my turn. I want to crawl out of this emotional black hole triumphant and expectant. Hopefully, 2013 is my year.
But, regardless of whether I end up with anther child, it will be my last year of fertility treatments. We only have enough embryos for two tries, and I'm too old (and, quite honestly, unwilling) to do another fresh cycle. So, if the February FET isn't successful, my plan is to turn around and do the last one and be done. Then, I can close the chapter on this part of my life, get my surgery, and get on with raising Lil' Bit and whomever else shows up.
So, regardless of outcome, 2013 is going to be a big year for me. I'm hopeful for a great year, but I will settle for one that's better than 2012. For now, I will savor the last day of this year and all the hopes for the year ahead. And, if you want, you can join me in the new year on my next trip down the rabbit hole. 18 days and counting!
This has been a rough year. It began with my one-year-old healing from open heart surgery and us learning how to function giving her meds six times a day. It continued with a miscarriage, a second failed FET, two trips to the ER while out of state, and a stomach bug that made Lil' Bit quit taking her heart meds for several days. Needless to say, I am ready for this year to be over. In fact, I don't remember ever being so ready for a year to end.
On the plus side, this year saw Lil' Bit have her first birthday party not in a hospital, and we finally got her off the sinus infection/antibiotic treadmill. I also got to see my brother and his family for the first time in a year-and-a-half, and Lil' Bit got to play with her cousin.
Sadly, the year ahead starts with major outpatient surgery for me. Not exactly something to make me want to run into the new year with open arms. But--January is also the start of our next FET. Shots begin again on the 18th! I'm excited and hopeful, and yet, some piece of me feels it's folly. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Nevertheless, we try again because, in truth, it's not the same thing every time. Besides, my heart simply cannot take anymore pregnancy announcements. For cripes sake Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a kid! I want it to be my turn. Need it to be my turn. I want to crawl out of this emotional black hole triumphant and expectant. Hopefully, 2013 is my year.
But, regardless of whether I end up with anther child, it will be my last year of fertility treatments. We only have enough embryos for two tries, and I'm too old (and, quite honestly, unwilling) to do another fresh cycle. So, if the February FET isn't successful, my plan is to turn around and do the last one and be done. Then, I can close the chapter on this part of my life, get my surgery, and get on with raising Lil' Bit and whomever else shows up.
So, regardless of outcome, 2013 is going to be a big year for me. I'm hopeful for a great year, but I will settle for one that's better than 2012. For now, I will savor the last day of this year and all the hopes for the year ahead. And, if you want, you can join me in the new year on my next trip down the rabbit hole. 18 days and counting!
12.07.2012
To Share or Not to Share; That is the Question
Having waited, talked, prayed, and listened, the long and short of it is, we paid our deposit and we're on the calendar for another FET in February. Given the general timing of things, it looks like we're probably talking mid-February, which means making sure to miss Ash Wednesday since it falls nice and early on the 13th this coming year. Other than that, I'm trying to do my best not to calculate or plan anything and just go with the flow.
I'm also trying to let 2013 be a new year, with new hopes and dreams; trying to leave my fears and disappointments from the failed FETs behind. But, it's hard not to think about Oliver, since he was a February FET, too. In fact, because of that, I was pretty conflicted about doing another February FET. However, the plan was to follow the guidance we received, and that guidance said February. So, emotional conflict or not, February it is, with shots starting sometime next month.
With that said, I don't know yet how much of the process I'll blog. I'm just not sure what there is to say that I haven't already said. I've already documented all the conflict, the excitement, the great roller coaster of hormones and emotions, the hope of success, the fear of failure. I've already learned I'm tough enough to do this. I already know how hard it is and how wonderful it is to have support. I've already explored success, loss, and complete failure. What I haven't explored yet is privacy. I'm wondering what it's like to keep more of the process intimate and personal and not share as much.
In that vein, I'm interested in your thoughts, dear readers. Do you want to come along again, or are you just as happy waiting for the big reveal? Although I write for myself, I have been told that others have found my blog helpful. So, tell me, is it helpful getting the day-to-day stuff, even if some of it is repetitive? What do you find interesting? What do you want to hear about?
In any event, for now, I'm still sharing. And what we have to share is this: We're trying again in February. Here goes everything.
I'm also trying to let 2013 be a new year, with new hopes and dreams; trying to leave my fears and disappointments from the failed FETs behind. But, it's hard not to think about Oliver, since he was a February FET, too. In fact, because of that, I was pretty conflicted about doing another February FET. However, the plan was to follow the guidance we received, and that guidance said February. So, emotional conflict or not, February it is, with shots starting sometime next month.
With that said, I don't know yet how much of the process I'll blog. I'm just not sure what there is to say that I haven't already said. I've already documented all the conflict, the excitement, the great roller coaster of hormones and emotions, the hope of success, the fear of failure. I've already learned I'm tough enough to do this. I already know how hard it is and how wonderful it is to have support. I've already explored success, loss, and complete failure. What I haven't explored yet is privacy. I'm wondering what it's like to keep more of the process intimate and personal and not share as much.
In that vein, I'm interested in your thoughts, dear readers. Do you want to come along again, or are you just as happy waiting for the big reveal? Although I write for myself, I have been told that others have found my blog helpful. So, tell me, is it helpful getting the day-to-day stuff, even if some of it is repetitive? What do you find interesting? What do you want to hear about?
In any event, for now, I'm still sharing. And what we have to share is this: We're trying again in February. Here goes everything.
11.25.2012
Another City, Another ER
We went to Indianapolis for Thanksgiving this year. Up until Saturday, it was a wonderful visit. Lil' Bit was amazingly well-behaved, food and family were great, and we all had fun. Saturday, just before noon, we packed up and headed back to Michigan. We weren't even 15 minutes around the beltway when Lil' Bit suddenly began projectile vomiting. Worse, we had just passed an exit and had to drive another few miles before we could pull off and check on her. By the time we were able to stop, it was a major issue. We turned around and headed back to my sister's house where we cleaned her up and cleaned the car seat and waited to see if she got better. She didn't. Around 2, we ended up taking her to the Peyton Manning Children's Hospital. They did a good job. After some meds and IV fluid, 6 hours later, we were headed back to my sister's house to spend the night. We headed out bright and early this morning because we had no meds for Lil' Bit (I had only brought enough through yesterday). We got back and then we had problems getting meds. We had to force her to take them, which made her barf, which made her less likely to take them. And, thus began a vicious cycle. She fought the meds this evening, and there were plenty of tears on all sides, but we did finally get them all in.
Lessons learned:
1) Always carry anti-nausea meds for Lil' Bit.
2) Always bring a few more days' worth of meds than planned when traveling.
3) Make sure I know where the ERs are when traveling because I never know when I'll need one.
4) We're pretty good parents who have managed to keep our cool (relatively speaking) in some serious situations.
Lessons learned:
1) Always carry anti-nausea meds for Lil' Bit.
2) Always bring a few more days' worth of meds than planned when traveling.
3) Make sure I know where the ERs are when traveling because I never know when I'll need one.
4) We're pretty good parents who have managed to keep our cool (relatively speaking) in some serious situations.
11.19.2012
Dear Doodlebug - Second Birthday Milestones
Dear Doodlebug,
Happy Birthday! We celebrated your birthday this past weekend because it was when we could get family and friends together. We got you the cutest doodlebug cake and you had fun pushing the ladybugs into the fondant. Everyone had a great time and you did amazing! There was no meltdown, you played with your new toys, you shared your cake, and you were totally adorable the whole time.
Today, you started to ride forward-facing in the car. I loved the look of joy and excitement when you saw the car seat turned around. It's fun to see your little face grinning back at me in the rear-view mirror. I can't believe how big you are--99.05 percentile for height and 70 percentile for weight. You are definitely don't fit the description of a cardiac patient!
You've been a little slow to speak because of all your ear infections, but you counted to three this weekend, did "a b c" at the party, and can correctly identify o, b, n, and r. You hold crayons properly and draw circles and lines and, even though you color well outside the lines, it's clear when you are trying to color small parts, like just a nose or the wheel of a car. Your motor skills are crazy! You can already put on your socks and pants by yourself, stack a tower of blocks 9 high, and match puzzle pieces. You can find pairs of memory cards, even when the images are mostly covered, and you can find anything Elmo faster than I can blink.
You love to dance and boogie and seem to enjoy lots of different kinds of music. You like to help choose what you wear and have very fierce opinions about lots of things. You are sometimes very protective of your stuff, and other times you share even your most precious items without batting an eye. You love books, babies, blocks, and balls. You love hammering on a tool bench and changing a baby equally. You are fearless about most everything, except dogs. You love jumping, flipping and, when you're in the mood, bath time. You love to help wipe up spills, close the dishwasher, open the refrigerator, and give the kitties treats.
You are a true delight and I am so blessed that you are my baby. It's been a year full of ups and downs. I know there are going to be a great many more surprises in the years ahead, but I am looking forward to all of them. Before I go, I want to tell you a few things that will always be true: You are amazing, beautiful, smart, and perfect just the way you are, and I am proud of you.
Love,
Mommy
Happy Birthday! We celebrated your birthday this past weekend because it was when we could get family and friends together. We got you the cutest doodlebug cake and you had fun pushing the ladybugs into the fondant. Everyone had a great time and you did amazing! There was no meltdown, you played with your new toys, you shared your cake, and you were totally adorable the whole time.
Today, you started to ride forward-facing in the car. I loved the look of joy and excitement when you saw the car seat turned around. It's fun to see your little face grinning back at me in the rear-view mirror. I can't believe how big you are--99.05 percentile for height and 70 percentile for weight. You are definitely don't fit the description of a cardiac patient!
You've been a little slow to speak because of all your ear infections, but you counted to three this weekend, did "a b c" at the party, and can correctly identify o, b, n, and r. You hold crayons properly and draw circles and lines and, even though you color well outside the lines, it's clear when you are trying to color small parts, like just a nose or the wheel of a car. Your motor skills are crazy! You can already put on your socks and pants by yourself, stack a tower of blocks 9 high, and match puzzle pieces. You can find pairs of memory cards, even when the images are mostly covered, and you can find anything Elmo faster than I can blink.
You love to dance and boogie and seem to enjoy lots of different kinds of music. You like to help choose what you wear and have very fierce opinions about lots of things. You are sometimes very protective of your stuff, and other times you share even your most precious items without batting an eye. You love books, babies, blocks, and balls. You love hammering on a tool bench and changing a baby equally. You are fearless about most everything, except dogs. You love jumping, flipping and, when you're in the mood, bath time. You love to help wipe up spills, close the dishwasher, open the refrigerator, and give the kitties treats.
You are a true delight and I am so blessed that you are my baby. It's been a year full of ups and downs. I know there are going to be a great many more surprises in the years ahead, but I am looking forward to all of them. Before I go, I want to tell you a few things that will always be true: You are amazing, beautiful, smart, and perfect just the way you are, and I am proud of you.
Love,
Mommy
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