When we last left our story, I was getting ready for a rough five days. Dear readers, nothing prepared me for just how rough these days have been. So, Thursday morning, 2 a.m., I wake up to a crying toddler. Decide I might as well use the hpt. I get a very faint positive! Suddenly, I had all the energy in the world to deal with my baby girl. I went into her room and slept on her floor, snuggled up with her, until she finally went to sleep. I was riding high! Friday and Saturday morning revealed gradually darkening lines--a very good sign: darker lines = more hCG = growing baby! We told a few people, but given the loss of Oliver, we were keeping it pretty quiet. We hadn't planned to announce anything until after the Wednesday beta when we would know if the numbers were doubling appropriately. In my mind, all I kept praying was, "Please let me make it to the March 14 ultrasound." Everything seemed to be fine.
Saturday was also the anniversary of my miscarriage with Oliver. I was feeling melancholy, but my positive result was keeping my spirits lifted. I was tired, so I took a nap early in the afternoon. I woke up just after 2 feeling queasy. I figured it was a good sign and went downstairs for water and crackers. Just before 2:30, I discovered I was bleeding. Phil was upstairs napping and I couldn't decide whether I should wake him up to bother him with this news or just cry to myself downstairs. Around 3 I finally decided to go share. Telling him made it too real and I broke down. I was literally having trouble breathing I was crying so hard. I remember saying, "Not today. Not again." Honestly, I am quite ready to erase February 23 off the calendars (no offense to those whose birthday it is). The bleeding was light, but was still going went I went to bed last night. It seems to have stopped now, which is a relief. But, what did it mean?
Was it little babies burrowing in deeper? Did we lose one? If we did, are there others still growing in there? Any of these are possible. And, quite honestly, the beta tomorrow won't tell us much. Given that I already have positive hpts, we're almost certain the beta will come out positive. The number might hint at whether there are multiples, but really, we'll likely be just as in the dark as we are today. Now there's nothing to do but wait until Wednesday and pray the numbers are still increasing. In the meantime, I am stuck in a body that is still cramping and terrified to go to the bathroom. I know worrying won't change anything, but it's all too fresh, too convoluted, too unfair.
So, am I pregnant? Yes, no, maybe so. What I do know is that I am sad and scared. So please, pray for me. For us. Not for any specific outcome, but for the strength to get through all of this, however it turns out. Because I am feeling weak and frail and broken. But, hopefully, as the Beatles said, I'll get by with a little help from my friends.
Showing posts with label HPT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HPT. Show all posts
2.24.2013
2.20.2013
The Curse of the Two Week Wait
This week started with such promise. I was living in the giddy glow that I was sure the procedure worked and the only real issue was how many we would have. I started using hpts to see if anything would show up yet. Nothing so far, which isn't really much of a surprise. It would be really rare to see anything this early. Only, with each negative result, my certainty that the procedure worked started to chip away. Then, this morning, I got hit with the sads. An overwhelming, I keep starting to cry out of nowhere, sad.
It took most of the day to realize that at least part of it is the upcoming anniversary of my miscarriage. But, as I sat with it, I realized that another part of my problem is my control needs. See, there's no way to prepare myself for every outcome. It could be triplets, twins, a singleton, or none at all. There is simply no emotional preparation that is appropriate for all of those outcomes. Thus, the solution would be to not prepare and just go with the flow. The whole "what will be will be" mantra. Only, that's not me. I'm a preparer. Indeed, it's one of the reasons I keep using hpts. I'm trying to prepare myself. See, if I get an early positive, it's more likely to be multiples. If nothing has shown up by Saturday, it's unlikely to be a positive beta and I'm not caught off guard by the results on Monday. Still, my inability to know anything definitively and the continued negative results only feed my fear that this cycle has failed and that I will learn as much only days after the anniversary of the loss of Oliver. Needless to say, I am an emotional mess. Come Monday, all of this waiting and not knowing will be over one way or the other. I just need to get through five days. So, I try and comfort myself by looking at my picture. And I hope. Because, without control or knowledge, it's all I have. Still, it's something.
Five days and counting...
It took most of the day to realize that at least part of it is the upcoming anniversary of my miscarriage. But, as I sat with it, I realized that another part of my problem is my control needs. See, there's no way to prepare myself for every outcome. It could be triplets, twins, a singleton, or none at all. There is simply no emotional preparation that is appropriate for all of those outcomes. Thus, the solution would be to not prepare and just go with the flow. The whole "what will be will be" mantra. Only, that's not me. I'm a preparer. Indeed, it's one of the reasons I keep using hpts. I'm trying to prepare myself. See, if I get an early positive, it's more likely to be multiples. If nothing has shown up by Saturday, it's unlikely to be a positive beta and I'm not caught off guard by the results on Monday. Still, my inability to know anything definitively and the continued negative results only feed my fear that this cycle has failed and that I will learn as much only days after the anniversary of the loss of Oliver. Needless to say, I am an emotional mess. Come Monday, all of this waiting and not knowing will be over one way or the other. I just need to get through five days. So, I try and comfort myself by looking at my picture. And I hope. Because, without control or knowledge, it's all I have. Still, it's something.
Five days and counting...
9.30.2012
The Love/Hate Relationship With HPTs
I know I said I wasn't posting anything until tomorrow, but since the whole point is to share the journey, here's what's been going on the last week or so.
Fertility clinics and many fertility patients will tell you that hpts (home pregnancy tests) are evil. Why? Because they can be wrong and cause extra turmoil on an already rough road. For people doing fresh cycles, if they are done too early, they can pick up the hCG from the trigger shot, causing a potential false positive. For other people, they can cause false negatives because the hCG amount is too small to be picked up on the hpt even though the person is pregnant. For me, they have been emotionally taxing, but I am ultimatelly glad I chose to use them.
Before I explain, here is some terminology from the ttc (trying to conceive) community:
3dt = 3-day transfer, i.e., the embryos are 3 days old at the time of transfer
dpt = days past transfer
dpo = days past ovulation
Thus, 2dp3dt means 2 days past a 3-day transfer, which is equivalent to 5dpo.
Now, where was I? Ah, yes. When I went through my fresh cycle with Lil' Bit. I followed the advice of the clinic and refused to use an hpt. I was afraid that a negative would cause too much despair and a positive would make me question whether it was just residual trigger shot. I would question the result either way. So, if it couldn't give me any answers to make me feel better, I wasn't going to use it. At 11dp3dt, my beta was 22 and, based on the subsequent numbers, she more than doubled every 48 hours. Since many hpts only have a sensitivity of 25 and the lowest I've seen is 15, my pregnancy with her likely wouldn't have shown up on an hpt before the beta.
When I went through the first FET, I decided that since there was no trigger shot, there was nothing to cause a false positive, so I would give it a try. I first used an hpt 8dp3dt and got a very light positive, which got darker over the next few days of testing. The positive result was confirmed by my blood beta test, which was done 11dp3dt.
Having had two successful transfers (i.e., both achieved pregnancy even though I miscarried with the second), I saw no reason to expect anything different and I began testing at 6dp3dt. My plan was to see how early the test would show me those two lines. Well, the plan blew up in my face. I got negatives both 6 and 7dp3dt, but I wasn't surprised because it was still extremely early. However, as the days went by, every morning I got the same thing: a negative. Each new negative made it less likely that I was pregnant. I was not without hope, however.
According to my research, the latest a blastocyst will implant is 10dpo or 7dp3dt. If implantation occurred that late, it was unlikely to show up this morning on even the most sensitive test. In addition, I looked back at my numbers from Lil' Bit and, as noted above, that pregnancy probably would not have showed up on an hpt. So, it's still possible. How probable it is I don't know. There are no statistics for how many embryos implant late and, of those, how many take, etc. etc. All I can do is wait.
We won't get an official answer until sometime tomorrow. And the truth is, even then, we go back for another beta on Wednesday because it's possible that it will show an increase even if the first number is super low. So, even a negative tomorrow isn't definitive--although it certainly makes that outcome more likely. But, as much as I have been all over the place these last few days with the negative results and trying to hold on to hope, I think that I am ultimately glad I tested. It has helped me pre-grieve and prepare myself for a negative. That way, if it comes, I will be more capable of holding myself together at work tomorrow. And, if I get a positive instead, I will be that much more excited.
Fertility clinics and many fertility patients will tell you that hpts (home pregnancy tests) are evil. Why? Because they can be wrong and cause extra turmoil on an already rough road. For people doing fresh cycles, if they are done too early, they can pick up the hCG from the trigger shot, causing a potential false positive. For other people, they can cause false negatives because the hCG amount is too small to be picked up on the hpt even though the person is pregnant. For me, they have been emotionally taxing, but I am ultimatelly glad I chose to use them.
Before I explain, here is some terminology from the ttc (trying to conceive) community:
3dt = 3-day transfer, i.e., the embryos are 3 days old at the time of transfer
dpt = days past transfer
dpo = days past ovulation
Thus, 2dp3dt means 2 days past a 3-day transfer, which is equivalent to 5dpo.
Now, where was I? Ah, yes. When I went through my fresh cycle with Lil' Bit. I followed the advice of the clinic and refused to use an hpt. I was afraid that a negative would cause too much despair and a positive would make me question whether it was just residual trigger shot. I would question the result either way. So, if it couldn't give me any answers to make me feel better, I wasn't going to use it. At 11dp3dt, my beta was 22 and, based on the subsequent numbers, she more than doubled every 48 hours. Since many hpts only have a sensitivity of 25 and the lowest I've seen is 15, my pregnancy with her likely wouldn't have shown up on an hpt before the beta.
When I went through the first FET, I decided that since there was no trigger shot, there was nothing to cause a false positive, so I would give it a try. I first used an hpt 8dp3dt and got a very light positive, which got darker over the next few days of testing. The positive result was confirmed by my blood beta test, which was done 11dp3dt.
Having had two successful transfers (i.e., both achieved pregnancy even though I miscarried with the second), I saw no reason to expect anything different and I began testing at 6dp3dt. My plan was to see how early the test would show me those two lines. Well, the plan blew up in my face. I got negatives both 6 and 7dp3dt, but I wasn't surprised because it was still extremely early. However, as the days went by, every morning I got the same thing: a negative. Each new negative made it less likely that I was pregnant. I was not without hope, however.
According to my research, the latest a blastocyst will implant is 10dpo or 7dp3dt. If implantation occurred that late, it was unlikely to show up this morning on even the most sensitive test. In addition, I looked back at my numbers from Lil' Bit and, as noted above, that pregnancy probably would not have showed up on an hpt. So, it's still possible. How probable it is I don't know. There are no statistics for how many embryos implant late and, of those, how many take, etc. etc. All I can do is wait.
We won't get an official answer until sometime tomorrow. And the truth is, even then, we go back for another beta on Wednesday because it's possible that it will show an increase even if the first number is super low. So, even a negative tomorrow isn't definitive--although it certainly makes that outcome more likely. But, as much as I have been all over the place these last few days with the negative results and trying to hold on to hope, I think that I am ultimately glad I tested. It has helped me pre-grieve and prepare myself for a negative. That way, if it comes, I will be more capable of holding myself together at work tomorrow. And, if I get a positive instead, I will be that much more excited.
2.10.2012
The Return of the Rollercoaster
Although this post will not be published for about 5 more days, I wanted to write it because I find that it is hard to recreate the experience of feelings when I am writing after the fact. Hopefully, by the time this posts, we'll be making grand pronouncements of joy. But, because the whole purpose of this blog is to chronicle the experience, here is Friday's experience:
So, I managed to wait until today to poas. It was difficult, but I got there. And, about 1:30 a.m., I took the plunge. Here's the result:
You may not be able to see it very well, as these things aren't made for photographing, but there it is! TWO, count them, TWO lines. Although the first one is very faint, I have been told numerous time that "a line is a line is a line." I woke Phil up and said, "It's positive!" God bless him, he sleepily said, "What is?" "The hpt!" He gave me a kiss and we snuggled back in for sleep; sleep that never came for me. When the alarm went off at 4:45a.m., I had not yet fallen back to sleep. The adrenaline kept pumping! We agreed to tell our parents and 3 other people, but otherwise we wanted to keep things quiet until both betas confirmed not just the pregnancy, but its viability.
I'm glad we waited. Just a few hours later, I started experiencing horrible cramping and some spotting. I texted Phil at work to tell him and I called my clinic. The nurse called me back and reassured me that this can be totally normal and that, although its a little early to rely on the hpt, I could probably take some comfort in it, but we had to wait until Monday to do the first beta.
ARAGH! As I lay on my sofa, drinking water and trying to rest, my emotions ran all over the place. Why! Why did I have to test this morning?! Why did I get my very first 2 line test only to have the joy destroyed. But, by the time Phil came home with my comfort food lunch (Taco Bell, if you must know), I realized that my positive hpt was a blessing. If I had started cramping and spotting without that knowledge, I would have been even more of a basket case waiting until Monday. Those little lines gave me comfort and helped me get through the day.
And, my chocolate-covered strawberries arrived today! I discovered them back in 2006 when I was interning for a local judge. I have since ordered them for many special occasions and sent them out for Mother's Day. When I realized that our beta tests were going to fall around Valentine's Day, I declared that I was going to have chocolate on hand to either celebrate or drown my sorrows in. In the process of trying to decide what to get, I realized that I really wanted my strawberries. So, I ordered 2 dozen and had them shipped early. Their arrival today was most timely! I plowed through four of them shortly after getting them in the door and felt much calmer. [I also rationalized that chocolate is good for babies!]
Anyway, I think I'm on a slightly more even keel while I wait for the official betas. I haven't decided if I'll do another hpt tomorrow or Sunday. I may just wait for my betas. After all, an hpt can't tell me whether the numbers are doubling; just if the hCG is there and, according to the one today, it is. For now, the waiting continues.
So, I managed to wait until today to poas. It was difficult, but I got there. And, about 1:30 a.m., I took the plunge. Here's the result:
You may not be able to see it very well, as these things aren't made for photographing, but there it is! TWO, count them, TWO lines. Although the first one is very faint, I have been told numerous time that "a line is a line is a line." I woke Phil up and said, "It's positive!" God bless him, he sleepily said, "What is?" "The hpt!" He gave me a kiss and we snuggled back in for sleep; sleep that never came for me. When the alarm went off at 4:45a.m., I had not yet fallen back to sleep. The adrenaline kept pumping! We agreed to tell our parents and 3 other people, but otherwise we wanted to keep things quiet until both betas confirmed not just the pregnancy, but its viability.
I'm glad we waited. Just a few hours later, I started experiencing horrible cramping and some spotting. I texted Phil at work to tell him and I called my clinic. The nurse called me back and reassured me that this can be totally normal and that, although its a little early to rely on the hpt, I could probably take some comfort in it, but we had to wait until Monday to do the first beta.
ARAGH! As I lay on my sofa, drinking water and trying to rest, my emotions ran all over the place. Why! Why did I have to test this morning?! Why did I get my very first 2 line test only to have the joy destroyed. But, by the time Phil came home with my comfort food lunch (Taco Bell, if you must know), I realized that my positive hpt was a blessing. If I had started cramping and spotting without that knowledge, I would have been even more of a basket case waiting until Monday. Those little lines gave me comfort and helped me get through the day.
And, my chocolate-covered strawberries arrived today! I discovered them back in 2006 when I was interning for a local judge. I have since ordered them for many special occasions and sent them out for Mother's Day. When I realized that our beta tests were going to fall around Valentine's Day, I declared that I was going to have chocolate on hand to either celebrate or drown my sorrows in. In the process of trying to decide what to get, I realized that I really wanted my strawberries. So, I ordered 2 dozen and had them shipped early. Their arrival today was most timely! I plowed through four of them shortly after getting them in the door and felt much calmer. [I also rationalized that chocolate is good for babies!]
Anyway, I think I'm on a slightly more even keel while I wait for the official betas. I haven't decided if I'll do another hpt tomorrow or Sunday. I may just wait for my betas. After all, an hpt can't tell me whether the numbers are doubling; just if the hCG is there and, according to the one today, it is. For now, the waiting continues.
2.06.2012
The Waiting Game
Well, hello, TWW. We meet again.
And so, after my transfer on Thursday, I find myself with nothing to do but wait. The worst part about the wait is wondering what every little cramp and twinge in your body means. Sometimes, I wish cramps came with a little ticker/scroller with messages like: no worries, it's just gas; get ready, your cycle's on its way; seek help, your appendix is about to burst; you're hungry, dummy; and so forth. But, since nothing like that exists, I simply try not to focus on it, or, when I lose that battle, just breathe and know that I cannot change whatever is occurring and that I will accept whatever is to be. Oh look, another lesson about lack of control. SMH! (smack my head)
On the upside, the waiting is going much faster this time. And do you know why? Because I have a toddler! Last time, it was me, Phil, and a long wait (not to mention daily shots!). This time, there are meds to feed Lil' Bit, doctor's appointments, milestones to note, baths to give, books to read, snuggles and cuddles to enjoy, and time to share (and no shots!). That doesn't meant the wait isn't bothering me. Just that it's bothering me less this time around.
As for the hpt issue from my last post, I have decided to poas (that's short for pee on a stick) three times, max--most likely Friday, Saturday and Sunday. My best tests are scheduled for the 13th and 15th. The one from the 13th is to see if we're pregnant and the one on the 15th is to make sure the numbers are doubling appropriately. If both tests go well, we go in March 1 for an ultrasound.
I also have a very different attitude about things this time around. First, I'm more relaxed because, if the cycle isn't successful, it doesn't mean I'm not a parent; just that Lil' Bit doesn't get a sibling. Already having one child makes a huge difference. Second, I realized that I'm already pregnant. Think about it. In any natural cycle or IUI, there's a chance you don't ovulate, or that no fertilization takes place, or whatever. We don't have that problem. I know that there are two little embryos inside of me growing away. Thus, to the extent that anybody is considered pregnant at this point, I am as pregnant as they are. What the blood tests will tell me is whether I was able to sustain the pregnancy. This perspective also recognizes that, if a cycle is unsuccessful, there was a loss of a child that did not come to be, the same as with any pregnancy loss--whether by chemical pregnancy; the lack of a heartbeat come first or subsequent ultrasound; a miscarriage; whatever.
So, this TWW, I am waiting for either the bloodtest or hpt to confirm a continued pregnancy. And, in case you're wondering, don't expect the news right away. Similar to last time, we'll probably keep the news to ourselves until both betas have been performed.
And so, after my transfer on Thursday, I find myself with nothing to do but wait. The worst part about the wait is wondering what every little cramp and twinge in your body means. Sometimes, I wish cramps came with a little ticker/scroller with messages like: no worries, it's just gas; get ready, your cycle's on its way; seek help, your appendix is about to burst; you're hungry, dummy; and so forth. But, since nothing like that exists, I simply try not to focus on it, or, when I lose that battle, just breathe and know that I cannot change whatever is occurring and that I will accept whatever is to be. Oh look, another lesson about lack of control. SMH! (smack my head)
On the upside, the waiting is going much faster this time. And do you know why? Because I have a toddler! Last time, it was me, Phil, and a long wait (not to mention daily shots!). This time, there are meds to feed Lil' Bit, doctor's appointments, milestones to note, baths to give, books to read, snuggles and cuddles to enjoy, and time to share (and no shots!). That doesn't meant the wait isn't bothering me. Just that it's bothering me less this time around.
As for the hpt issue from my last post, I have decided to poas (that's short for pee on a stick) three times, max--most likely Friday, Saturday and Sunday. My best tests are scheduled for the 13th and 15th. The one from the 13th is to see if we're pregnant and the one on the 15th is to make sure the numbers are doubling appropriately. If both tests go well, we go in March 1 for an ultrasound.
I also have a very different attitude about things this time around. First, I'm more relaxed because, if the cycle isn't successful, it doesn't mean I'm not a parent; just that Lil' Bit doesn't get a sibling. Already having one child makes a huge difference. Second, I realized that I'm already pregnant. Think about it. In any natural cycle or IUI, there's a chance you don't ovulate, or that no fertilization takes place, or whatever. We don't have that problem. I know that there are two little embryos inside of me growing away. Thus, to the extent that anybody is considered pregnant at this point, I am as pregnant as they are. What the blood tests will tell me is whether I was able to sustain the pregnancy. This perspective also recognizes that, if a cycle is unsuccessful, there was a loss of a child that did not come to be, the same as with any pregnancy loss--whether by chemical pregnancy; the lack of a heartbeat come first or subsequent ultrasound; a miscarriage; whatever.
So, this TWW, I am waiting for either the bloodtest or hpt to confirm a continued pregnancy. And, in case you're wondering, don't expect the news right away. Similar to last time, we'll probably keep the news to ourselves until both betas have been performed.
1.29.2012
To Pee or Not to Pee...
First, the update: Today was my last shot. Yay! *happy dance* I'm now four days from transfer. Very exciting! Tomorrow I drop my estrogen back to 2 per day and start progesterone 3 times a day. Tuesday I add in some steroids and antibiotics and Thursday I get Valium :) Have to set a lot of reminders on my phone to remember to take all these pills, but post-transfer I'm back to just 2--progesterone and estrogen.
Now, my conundrum. Post-transfer, I am subjected to the tortuous two-week-wait (tww) while we wait to see if pregnancy is achieved. Because I'm having an FET, I think it's merely a 12-day wait, but it still feels too long. Anyway, the question is, should I just wait for the blood test, which will give me one, surefire answer? Or should I try an HPT (home pregnancy test) at some point. If I try an HPT, when should I try it? Do I have the fortitude to see a negative? But wouldn't it be so crazy to get to see a positive? See, last time I didn't have this issue because with a "fresh" cycle, you take something called a trigger shot, which is HCG. And, since HCG is what pregnancy tests pick up, you don't want to use an HPT because you can get a false-positive. With a frozen cycle, there's no HCG shot, so no risk of false positive. But, I have to go back to the first question I asked. Do I have the fortitude to see a negative? What if I just got 12 of them and peed on one every day. Kind of like an experiment--what's the earliest pregnancy shows up (if there is one); do they get darker over time? I know this sounds stupid, but I've never gotten to see a positive HPT. Last time, I was afraid I would jinx things if I tried it, so I never did. As hard as the 12-day wait is, I think it would be easier to just wait for the answer from the blood test. But the whole experiment things seems so cool and it may be my only chance to try.
I still have a few days to decide. So, what say you, dear readers? Stick with the blood test? Try an HPT? Do more than one? What would you do?
[And, for those of you dying for more information than you ever wanted to know about pee sticks, go here.]
Now, my conundrum. Post-transfer, I am subjected to the tortuous two-week-wait (tww) while we wait to see if pregnancy is achieved. Because I'm having an FET, I think it's merely a 12-day wait, but it still feels too long. Anyway, the question is, should I just wait for the blood test, which will give me one, surefire answer? Or should I try an HPT (home pregnancy test) at some point. If I try an HPT, when should I try it? Do I have the fortitude to see a negative? But wouldn't it be so crazy to get to see a positive? See, last time I didn't have this issue because with a "fresh" cycle, you take something called a trigger shot, which is HCG. And, since HCG is what pregnancy tests pick up, you don't want to use an HPT because you can get a false-positive. With a frozen cycle, there's no HCG shot, so no risk of false positive. But, I have to go back to the first question I asked. Do I have the fortitude to see a negative? What if I just got 12 of them and peed on one every day. Kind of like an experiment--what's the earliest pregnancy shows up (if there is one); do they get darker over time? I know this sounds stupid, but I've never gotten to see a positive HPT. Last time, I was afraid I would jinx things if I tried it, so I never did. As hard as the 12-day wait is, I think it would be easier to just wait for the answer from the blood test. But the whole experiment things seems so cool and it may be my only chance to try.
I still have a few days to decide. So, what say you, dear readers? Stick with the blood test? Try an HPT? Do more than one? What would you do?
[And, for those of you dying for more information than you ever wanted to know about pee sticks, go here.]
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