This week started with such promise. I was living in the giddy glow that I was sure the procedure worked and the only real issue was how many we would have. I started using hpts to see if anything would show up yet. Nothing so far, which isn't really much of a surprise. It would be really rare to see anything this early. Only, with each negative result, my certainty that the procedure worked started to chip away. Then, this morning, I got hit with the sads. An overwhelming, I keep starting to cry out of nowhere, sad.
It took most of the day to realize that at least part of it is the upcoming anniversary of my miscarriage. But, as I sat with it, I realized that another part of my problem is my control needs. See, there's no way to prepare myself for every outcome. It could be triplets, twins, a singleton, or none at all. There is simply no emotional preparation that is appropriate for all of those outcomes. Thus, the solution would be to not prepare and just go with the flow. The whole "what will be will be" mantra. Only, that's not me. I'm a preparer. Indeed, it's one of the reasons I keep using hpts. I'm trying to prepare myself. See, if I get an early positive, it's more likely to be multiples. If nothing has shown up by Saturday, it's unlikely to be a positive beta and I'm not caught off guard by the results on Monday. Still, my inability to know anything definitively and the continued negative results only feed my fear that this cycle has failed and that I will learn as much only days after the anniversary of the loss of Oliver. Needless to say, I am an emotional mess. Come Monday, all of this waiting and not knowing will be over one way or the other. I just need to get through five days. So, I try and comfort myself by looking at my picture. And I hope. Because, without control or knowledge, it's all I have. Still, it's something.
Five days and counting...
Showing posts with label tww. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tww. Show all posts
2.20.2013
9.30.2012
The Love/Hate Relationship With HPTs
I know I said I wasn't posting anything until tomorrow, but since the whole point is to share the journey, here's what's been going on the last week or so.
Fertility clinics and many fertility patients will tell you that hpts (home pregnancy tests) are evil. Why? Because they can be wrong and cause extra turmoil on an already rough road. For people doing fresh cycles, if they are done too early, they can pick up the hCG from the trigger shot, causing a potential false positive. For other people, they can cause false negatives because the hCG amount is too small to be picked up on the hpt even though the person is pregnant. For me, they have been emotionally taxing, but I am ultimatelly glad I chose to use them.
Before I explain, here is some terminology from the ttc (trying to conceive) community:
3dt = 3-day transfer, i.e., the embryos are 3 days old at the time of transfer
dpt = days past transfer
dpo = days past ovulation
Thus, 2dp3dt means 2 days past a 3-day transfer, which is equivalent to 5dpo.
Now, where was I? Ah, yes. When I went through my fresh cycle with Lil' Bit. I followed the advice of the clinic and refused to use an hpt. I was afraid that a negative would cause too much despair and a positive would make me question whether it was just residual trigger shot. I would question the result either way. So, if it couldn't give me any answers to make me feel better, I wasn't going to use it. At 11dp3dt, my beta was 22 and, based on the subsequent numbers, she more than doubled every 48 hours. Since many hpts only have a sensitivity of 25 and the lowest I've seen is 15, my pregnancy with her likely wouldn't have shown up on an hpt before the beta.
When I went through the first FET, I decided that since there was no trigger shot, there was nothing to cause a false positive, so I would give it a try. I first used an hpt 8dp3dt and got a very light positive, which got darker over the next few days of testing. The positive result was confirmed by my blood beta test, which was done 11dp3dt.
Having had two successful transfers (i.e., both achieved pregnancy even though I miscarried with the second), I saw no reason to expect anything different and I began testing at 6dp3dt. My plan was to see how early the test would show me those two lines. Well, the plan blew up in my face. I got negatives both 6 and 7dp3dt, but I wasn't surprised because it was still extremely early. However, as the days went by, every morning I got the same thing: a negative. Each new negative made it less likely that I was pregnant. I was not without hope, however.
According to my research, the latest a blastocyst will implant is 10dpo or 7dp3dt. If implantation occurred that late, it was unlikely to show up this morning on even the most sensitive test. In addition, I looked back at my numbers from Lil' Bit and, as noted above, that pregnancy probably would not have showed up on an hpt. So, it's still possible. How probable it is I don't know. There are no statistics for how many embryos implant late and, of those, how many take, etc. etc. All I can do is wait.
We won't get an official answer until sometime tomorrow. And the truth is, even then, we go back for another beta on Wednesday because it's possible that it will show an increase even if the first number is super low. So, even a negative tomorrow isn't definitive--although it certainly makes that outcome more likely. But, as much as I have been all over the place these last few days with the negative results and trying to hold on to hope, I think that I am ultimately glad I tested. It has helped me pre-grieve and prepare myself for a negative. That way, if it comes, I will be more capable of holding myself together at work tomorrow. And, if I get a positive instead, I will be that much more excited.
Fertility clinics and many fertility patients will tell you that hpts (home pregnancy tests) are evil. Why? Because they can be wrong and cause extra turmoil on an already rough road. For people doing fresh cycles, if they are done too early, they can pick up the hCG from the trigger shot, causing a potential false positive. For other people, they can cause false negatives because the hCG amount is too small to be picked up on the hpt even though the person is pregnant. For me, they have been emotionally taxing, but I am ultimatelly glad I chose to use them.
Before I explain, here is some terminology from the ttc (trying to conceive) community:
3dt = 3-day transfer, i.e., the embryos are 3 days old at the time of transfer
dpt = days past transfer
dpo = days past ovulation
Thus, 2dp3dt means 2 days past a 3-day transfer, which is equivalent to 5dpo.
Now, where was I? Ah, yes. When I went through my fresh cycle with Lil' Bit. I followed the advice of the clinic and refused to use an hpt. I was afraid that a negative would cause too much despair and a positive would make me question whether it was just residual trigger shot. I would question the result either way. So, if it couldn't give me any answers to make me feel better, I wasn't going to use it. At 11dp3dt, my beta was 22 and, based on the subsequent numbers, she more than doubled every 48 hours. Since many hpts only have a sensitivity of 25 and the lowest I've seen is 15, my pregnancy with her likely wouldn't have shown up on an hpt before the beta.
When I went through the first FET, I decided that since there was no trigger shot, there was nothing to cause a false positive, so I would give it a try. I first used an hpt 8dp3dt and got a very light positive, which got darker over the next few days of testing. The positive result was confirmed by my blood beta test, which was done 11dp3dt.
Having had two successful transfers (i.e., both achieved pregnancy even though I miscarried with the second), I saw no reason to expect anything different and I began testing at 6dp3dt. My plan was to see how early the test would show me those two lines. Well, the plan blew up in my face. I got negatives both 6 and 7dp3dt, but I wasn't surprised because it was still extremely early. However, as the days went by, every morning I got the same thing: a negative. Each new negative made it less likely that I was pregnant. I was not without hope, however.
According to my research, the latest a blastocyst will implant is 10dpo or 7dp3dt. If implantation occurred that late, it was unlikely to show up this morning on even the most sensitive test. In addition, I looked back at my numbers from Lil' Bit and, as noted above, that pregnancy probably would not have showed up on an hpt. So, it's still possible. How probable it is I don't know. There are no statistics for how many embryos implant late and, of those, how many take, etc. etc. All I can do is wait.
We won't get an official answer until sometime tomorrow. And the truth is, even then, we go back for another beta on Wednesday because it's possible that it will show an increase even if the first number is super low. So, even a negative tomorrow isn't definitive--although it certainly makes that outcome more likely. But, as much as I have been all over the place these last few days with the negative results and trying to hold on to hope, I think that I am ultimately glad I tested. It has helped me pre-grieve and prepare myself for a negative. That way, if it comes, I will be more capable of holding myself together at work tomorrow. And, if I get a positive instead, I will be that much more excited.
9.21.2012
See You at the Top
Yesterday was our last FET. The doctor transferred two good, growing embryos-one 8-cell and one 6-cell. I'm now on bed rest for two days and then still have a few restrictions. The most difficult is that I can't lift my daughter for four days! It's meant rearranging our schedule and trying to explain to a toddler why mommy can't pick her up or put her to bed at night. Still, it's only a few days, so I know we'll manage.
Blood tests are scheduled for October 1 & 3. However, as with the last one, I intend to poas (pee on a stick) starting September 28. Results will not be announced until the official blood test, however. That way, if we do get a positive early, we have a few days to enjoy the knowledge ourselves and, if we get negatives, we can disregard them until we get the official word.
So, here I am. In my last tww (two week wait). I realize that it's only a 7-day wait to some degree given my choice to poas, and it's only 10 days until the official test. Still, in pregnancy land, we have standard language that everyone understands, so we stick with it. Besides, it doesn't matter if the wait is only 2 days, it feels like forever. This time around, I find myself both more and less anxious to know. Much like Schrodinger's cat, as long as I don't look, there's still the possibility that there's a baby in there. But, for now, I know that there are 2 babies in there. Only they can decide how long they plan to stay, but I keep talking to them, letting them know that we're ready and we hope that one or both of them choose to stick around.
And the truth is, we mean it. Would twins be hard? Yes. Would another child with medical issues be hard? Yes. Do I have any idea how I would handle it? No. But I do know that I can handle it. I am capable of handling whatever comes. Would I prefer easy? Yes. Wouldn't everyone?! But, ultimately, we'll get what we get. And so we wait. Anxious. Excited. Happy. Terrified. Just like both times before.
Having sped down the first giant hill and flipped through a couple twists, we have arrived at the slow, anticipatory climb up the next big hill. It serves as time to both catch our breath and freak out about what is up ahead. But as we climb, I notice that the top of the hill flattens out a bit and splits off in two directions. One way has a quick drop that then heads directly back to the station. The other drops into some loops and heads off toward more hills and twists in the distance. Since I don't know which one we're going to get, I am going to try and sit back and enjoy whatever time I have left on this ride. See you at the top.
Blood tests are scheduled for October 1 & 3. However, as with the last one, I intend to poas (pee on a stick) starting September 28. Results will not be announced until the official blood test, however. That way, if we do get a positive early, we have a few days to enjoy the knowledge ourselves and, if we get negatives, we can disregard them until we get the official word.
So, here I am. In my last tww (two week wait). I realize that it's only a 7-day wait to some degree given my choice to poas, and it's only 10 days until the official test. Still, in pregnancy land, we have standard language that everyone understands, so we stick with it. Besides, it doesn't matter if the wait is only 2 days, it feels like forever. This time around, I find myself both more and less anxious to know. Much like Schrodinger's cat, as long as I don't look, there's still the possibility that there's a baby in there. But, for now, I know that there are 2 babies in there. Only they can decide how long they plan to stay, but I keep talking to them, letting them know that we're ready and we hope that one or both of them choose to stick around.
And the truth is, we mean it. Would twins be hard? Yes. Would another child with medical issues be hard? Yes. Do I have any idea how I would handle it? No. But I do know that I can handle it. I am capable of handling whatever comes. Would I prefer easy? Yes. Wouldn't everyone?! But, ultimately, we'll get what we get. And so we wait. Anxious. Excited. Happy. Terrified. Just like both times before.
Having sped down the first giant hill and flipped through a couple twists, we have arrived at the slow, anticipatory climb up the next big hill. It serves as time to both catch our breath and freak out about what is up ahead. But as we climb, I notice that the top of the hill flattens out a bit and splits off in two directions. One way has a quick drop that then heads directly back to the station. The other drops into some loops and heads off toward more hills and twists in the distance. Since I don't know which one we're going to get, I am going to try and sit back and enjoy whatever time I have left on this ride. See you at the top.
2.10.2012
The Return of the Rollercoaster
Although this post will not be published for about 5 more days, I wanted to write it because I find that it is hard to recreate the experience of feelings when I am writing after the fact. Hopefully, by the time this posts, we'll be making grand pronouncements of joy. But, because the whole purpose of this blog is to chronicle the experience, here is Friday's experience:
So, I managed to wait until today to poas. It was difficult, but I got there. And, about 1:30 a.m., I took the plunge. Here's the result:
You may not be able to see it very well, as these things aren't made for photographing, but there it is! TWO, count them, TWO lines. Although the first one is very faint, I have been told numerous time that "a line is a line is a line." I woke Phil up and said, "It's positive!" God bless him, he sleepily said, "What is?" "The hpt!" He gave me a kiss and we snuggled back in for sleep; sleep that never came for me. When the alarm went off at 4:45a.m., I had not yet fallen back to sleep. The adrenaline kept pumping! We agreed to tell our parents and 3 other people, but otherwise we wanted to keep things quiet until both betas confirmed not just the pregnancy, but its viability.
I'm glad we waited. Just a few hours later, I started experiencing horrible cramping and some spotting. I texted Phil at work to tell him and I called my clinic. The nurse called me back and reassured me that this can be totally normal and that, although its a little early to rely on the hpt, I could probably take some comfort in it, but we had to wait until Monday to do the first beta.
ARAGH! As I lay on my sofa, drinking water and trying to rest, my emotions ran all over the place. Why! Why did I have to test this morning?! Why did I get my very first 2 line test only to have the joy destroyed. But, by the time Phil came home with my comfort food lunch (Taco Bell, if you must know), I realized that my positive hpt was a blessing. If I had started cramping and spotting without that knowledge, I would have been even more of a basket case waiting until Monday. Those little lines gave me comfort and helped me get through the day.
And, my chocolate-covered strawberries arrived today! I discovered them back in 2006 when I was interning for a local judge. I have since ordered them for many special occasions and sent them out for Mother's Day. When I realized that our beta tests were going to fall around Valentine's Day, I declared that I was going to have chocolate on hand to either celebrate or drown my sorrows in. In the process of trying to decide what to get, I realized that I really wanted my strawberries. So, I ordered 2 dozen and had them shipped early. Their arrival today was most timely! I plowed through four of them shortly after getting them in the door and felt much calmer. [I also rationalized that chocolate is good for babies!]
Anyway, I think I'm on a slightly more even keel while I wait for the official betas. I haven't decided if I'll do another hpt tomorrow or Sunday. I may just wait for my betas. After all, an hpt can't tell me whether the numbers are doubling; just if the hCG is there and, according to the one today, it is. For now, the waiting continues.
So, I managed to wait until today to poas. It was difficult, but I got there. And, about 1:30 a.m., I took the plunge. Here's the result:
You may not be able to see it very well, as these things aren't made for photographing, but there it is! TWO, count them, TWO lines. Although the first one is very faint, I have been told numerous time that "a line is a line is a line." I woke Phil up and said, "It's positive!" God bless him, he sleepily said, "What is?" "The hpt!" He gave me a kiss and we snuggled back in for sleep; sleep that never came for me. When the alarm went off at 4:45a.m., I had not yet fallen back to sleep. The adrenaline kept pumping! We agreed to tell our parents and 3 other people, but otherwise we wanted to keep things quiet until both betas confirmed not just the pregnancy, but its viability.
I'm glad we waited. Just a few hours later, I started experiencing horrible cramping and some spotting. I texted Phil at work to tell him and I called my clinic. The nurse called me back and reassured me that this can be totally normal and that, although its a little early to rely on the hpt, I could probably take some comfort in it, but we had to wait until Monday to do the first beta.
ARAGH! As I lay on my sofa, drinking water and trying to rest, my emotions ran all over the place. Why! Why did I have to test this morning?! Why did I get my very first 2 line test only to have the joy destroyed. But, by the time Phil came home with my comfort food lunch (Taco Bell, if you must know), I realized that my positive hpt was a blessing. If I had started cramping and spotting without that knowledge, I would have been even more of a basket case waiting until Monday. Those little lines gave me comfort and helped me get through the day.
And, my chocolate-covered strawberries arrived today! I discovered them back in 2006 when I was interning for a local judge. I have since ordered them for many special occasions and sent them out for Mother's Day. When I realized that our beta tests were going to fall around Valentine's Day, I declared that I was going to have chocolate on hand to either celebrate or drown my sorrows in. In the process of trying to decide what to get, I realized that I really wanted my strawberries. So, I ordered 2 dozen and had them shipped early. Their arrival today was most timely! I plowed through four of them shortly after getting them in the door and felt much calmer. [I also rationalized that chocolate is good for babies!]
Anyway, I think I'm on a slightly more even keel while I wait for the official betas. I haven't decided if I'll do another hpt tomorrow or Sunday. I may just wait for my betas. After all, an hpt can't tell me whether the numbers are doubling; just if the hCG is there and, according to the one today, it is. For now, the waiting continues.
2.06.2012
The Waiting Game
Well, hello, TWW. We meet again.
And so, after my transfer on Thursday, I find myself with nothing to do but wait. The worst part about the wait is wondering what every little cramp and twinge in your body means. Sometimes, I wish cramps came with a little ticker/scroller with messages like: no worries, it's just gas; get ready, your cycle's on its way; seek help, your appendix is about to burst; you're hungry, dummy; and so forth. But, since nothing like that exists, I simply try not to focus on it, or, when I lose that battle, just breathe and know that I cannot change whatever is occurring and that I will accept whatever is to be. Oh look, another lesson about lack of control. SMH! (smack my head)
On the upside, the waiting is going much faster this time. And do you know why? Because I have a toddler! Last time, it was me, Phil, and a long wait (not to mention daily shots!). This time, there are meds to feed Lil' Bit, doctor's appointments, milestones to note, baths to give, books to read, snuggles and cuddles to enjoy, and time to share (and no shots!). That doesn't meant the wait isn't bothering me. Just that it's bothering me less this time around.
As for the hpt issue from my last post, I have decided to poas (that's short for pee on a stick) three times, max--most likely Friday, Saturday and Sunday. My best tests are scheduled for the 13th and 15th. The one from the 13th is to see if we're pregnant and the one on the 15th is to make sure the numbers are doubling appropriately. If both tests go well, we go in March 1 for an ultrasound.
I also have a very different attitude about things this time around. First, I'm more relaxed because, if the cycle isn't successful, it doesn't mean I'm not a parent; just that Lil' Bit doesn't get a sibling. Already having one child makes a huge difference. Second, I realized that I'm already pregnant. Think about it. In any natural cycle or IUI, there's a chance you don't ovulate, or that no fertilization takes place, or whatever. We don't have that problem. I know that there are two little embryos inside of me growing away. Thus, to the extent that anybody is considered pregnant at this point, I am as pregnant as they are. What the blood tests will tell me is whether I was able to sustain the pregnancy. This perspective also recognizes that, if a cycle is unsuccessful, there was a loss of a child that did not come to be, the same as with any pregnancy loss--whether by chemical pregnancy; the lack of a heartbeat come first or subsequent ultrasound; a miscarriage; whatever.
So, this TWW, I am waiting for either the bloodtest or hpt to confirm a continued pregnancy. And, in case you're wondering, don't expect the news right away. Similar to last time, we'll probably keep the news to ourselves until both betas have been performed.
And so, after my transfer on Thursday, I find myself with nothing to do but wait. The worst part about the wait is wondering what every little cramp and twinge in your body means. Sometimes, I wish cramps came with a little ticker/scroller with messages like: no worries, it's just gas; get ready, your cycle's on its way; seek help, your appendix is about to burst; you're hungry, dummy; and so forth. But, since nothing like that exists, I simply try not to focus on it, or, when I lose that battle, just breathe and know that I cannot change whatever is occurring and that I will accept whatever is to be. Oh look, another lesson about lack of control. SMH! (smack my head)
On the upside, the waiting is going much faster this time. And do you know why? Because I have a toddler! Last time, it was me, Phil, and a long wait (not to mention daily shots!). This time, there are meds to feed Lil' Bit, doctor's appointments, milestones to note, baths to give, books to read, snuggles and cuddles to enjoy, and time to share (and no shots!). That doesn't meant the wait isn't bothering me. Just that it's bothering me less this time around.
As for the hpt issue from my last post, I have decided to poas (that's short for pee on a stick) three times, max--most likely Friday, Saturday and Sunday. My best tests are scheduled for the 13th and 15th. The one from the 13th is to see if we're pregnant and the one on the 15th is to make sure the numbers are doubling appropriately. If both tests go well, we go in March 1 for an ultrasound.
I also have a very different attitude about things this time around. First, I'm more relaxed because, if the cycle isn't successful, it doesn't mean I'm not a parent; just that Lil' Bit doesn't get a sibling. Already having one child makes a huge difference. Second, I realized that I'm already pregnant. Think about it. In any natural cycle or IUI, there's a chance you don't ovulate, or that no fertilization takes place, or whatever. We don't have that problem. I know that there are two little embryos inside of me growing away. Thus, to the extent that anybody is considered pregnant at this point, I am as pregnant as they are. What the blood tests will tell me is whether I was able to sustain the pregnancy. This perspective also recognizes that, if a cycle is unsuccessful, there was a loss of a child that did not come to be, the same as with any pregnancy loss--whether by chemical pregnancy; the lack of a heartbeat come first or subsequent ultrasound; a miscarriage; whatever.
So, this TWW, I am waiting for either the bloodtest or hpt to confirm a continued pregnancy. And, in case you're wondering, don't expect the news right away. Similar to last time, we'll probably keep the news to ourselves until both betas have been performed.
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