My calendar notification reminded me that I'm going to the dentist this week. This reminded me that I had not been brushing as often as I should, and so I have been trying to make up for 6 months or so of poor habits in a few weeks in an effort to keep the dentist from knowing I have been bad. I'm sure everyone does it, and that it never fools them, but it doesn't change the behavior.
Since Lil' Bit has started drooling copious amounts and getting a little fussy, the question of whether she has begun teething has come up. This got me to thinking about the need to teach her good brushing habits. Indeed, as parents, we want our children to develop the best habits they can and we endeavor to teach those habits to them. Whether it's not lying, eating vegetables, good personal hygiene, exercising, not watching too much television, reading, doing homework, doing chores/cleaning house, getting along with others, or myriad other things, we yearn for our children to "do the right thing." Yet, it's difficult to teach them these lessons when we don't do these things ourselves.
With children, the requirement to "Do as I say, not as I do" rarely seems to work. They are, by their very nature, imitators. They do what they see. They also recognize hypocrisy--even if they don't know that's what it's called. As the child in my family who as obsessed with fairness, and would shout "n't fair" at the slightest hint of injustice, I have no doubt that Lil' Bit will recognize when I am asking her to do something I am not requiring of myself. So, since I know I am not currently modeling good behaviors, I figure now is the time to try and get into a routine and do better with them before I have my parental hypocrisy pointed out to me. And, since I clearly haven't been willing to make these changes for myself up to this point, perhaps I can do it for Lil' Bit.
2.21.2011
2.20.2011
Regarding Orchids
My dad has an amazing gift with plants and my mom is pretty great with them, too. My house growing up was filled with all types of flora. Sadly, I did not inherit this gift. I used to hate when they would leave me alone for a few days and I had to water them all. It was a complicated schedule with different things needing to be watered at different times, and some got plant food and some didn't. I never killed anything, but I probably got close. Needless to say, I never acquired many plants of my own. But that didn't mean people didn't give them to me. The few plants I did receive often died early on, as I forgot to water them. Those that lasted more than a month were those that could survive a desert climate--days or weeks without watering, followed by tons of overwatering based on guilt for previously forgetting and concern about when the forgetting would happen again.
And so it was with trepidation that I accepted my friend Maria's birthday present four years ago-a phalaenopsis orchid. I had admired her collection of them and so she gave me one of my own. It was beautiful, but I was certain I would kill it. After all, as I understood it, orchids are difficult plants to grow. Maria assured me that I could do it and, surprisingly, I managed to get it to bloom a second time before the year was over. That seemed to be the end of my success. Even though it grew new leaves and appeared healthy, it didn't bloom again. I was disappointed at the lack of flowers, but hey, at least it was still green and growing. That was something. So, I let myself be content with the knowledge I hadn't killed it. Then, something odd happened. It sprouted a keiki--another orchid plant. Apparently, I couldn't make it happy enough to flower, but I could make it happy enough to reproduce. In fact, over the years, it has sprouted 3 new orchids.
As excited as I was that I had managed to do better than simply not kill the plant, I was not a fan of this whole reproduction thing. I was now the proud owner of four non-flowering plants that I had to manage not to kill--it had been hard work simply not killing one. I actually started to get irritated with the plant when I would see it was making another keiki. I gave one away to my dad, but I still had three. In an effort to try and force the plant to flower, I didn't remove the last keiki from the original orchid's growing stem. My reasoning was that at least it couldn't make another one while one was still attached.
Well, color me startled when something odd starting growing out of the keiki. Not another plant!, I shouted internally. No, actually, it was a growing stem. My first! Not only that, it started to make buds! And this week, of all the crazy things, the keiki bloomed! So far only one of the two blooms has opened, but that by itself is crazy good. I think I can now retire my title as plant-killer. Yay!
So, what does all of this have to do with children--i.e., why is this story in my blog? I realized that I can care and nurture living things that are known to be difficult. And, although I don't necessarily do things the way anyone else would, it doesn't mean I'm not doing a good job or that I won't be successful. Finally, it's a reminder to take pleasure in small, unexpected things. So, whether it's orchids, or babies, or something else entirely, I am working on remembering that I can learn new things, accomplish new achievements, and enjoy small victories. And, hopefully, it's a lesson I can pass on to Lil' Bit.
And so it was with trepidation that I accepted my friend Maria's birthday present four years ago-a phalaenopsis orchid. I had admired her collection of them and so she gave me one of my own. It was beautiful, but I was certain I would kill it. After all, as I understood it, orchids are difficult plants to grow. Maria assured me that I could do it and, surprisingly, I managed to get it to bloom a second time before the year was over. That seemed to be the end of my success. Even though it grew new leaves and appeared healthy, it didn't bloom again. I was disappointed at the lack of flowers, but hey, at least it was still green and growing. That was something. So, I let myself be content with the knowledge I hadn't killed it. Then, something odd happened. It sprouted a keiki--another orchid plant. Apparently, I couldn't make it happy enough to flower, but I could make it happy enough to reproduce. In fact, over the years, it has sprouted 3 new orchids.
As excited as I was that I had managed to do better than simply not kill the plant, I was not a fan of this whole reproduction thing. I was now the proud owner of four non-flowering plants that I had to manage not to kill--it had been hard work simply not killing one. I actually started to get irritated with the plant when I would see it was making another keiki. I gave one away to my dad, but I still had three. In an effort to try and force the plant to flower, I didn't remove the last keiki from the original orchid's growing stem. My reasoning was that at least it couldn't make another one while one was still attached.
Well, color me startled when something odd starting growing out of the keiki. Not another plant!, I shouted internally. No, actually, it was a growing stem. My first! Not only that, it started to make buds! And this week, of all the crazy things, the keiki bloomed! So far only one of the two blooms has opened, but that by itself is crazy good. I think I can now retire my title as plant-killer. Yay!So, what does all of this have to do with children--i.e., why is this story in my blog? I realized that I can care and nurture living things that are known to be difficult. And, although I don't necessarily do things the way anyone else would, it doesn't mean I'm not doing a good job or that I won't be successful. Finally, it's a reminder to take pleasure in small, unexpected things. So, whether it's orchids, or babies, or something else entirely, I am working on remembering that I can learn new things, accomplish new achievements, and enjoy small victories. And, hopefully, it's a lesson I can pass on to Lil' Bit.
2.04.2011
Relationship Math or How 1+1+1=7
Yesterday was a particularly good day. What made the day so wonderful, is that all 7 of our family relationships were fed. But aren't there only 3 members to my family? Yes. Then, how do I get seven relationships with 3 people? It starts with the idea that 1+1=3. In any relationship between two people, there are actually three entities that must be fed and sustained--each of the two individuals and the unified relationship itself. Depending on the type of relationship between the two people, it may need lots of time and energy, or very little, but it will always require some of both. This fuzzy math is best visualized by the unity candle. Often, the families of the couple light to two smaller candles as a recognition of the families helping create the individual. Then, the two individuals light a third candle, representing their new partnership. Note, however, that the two individual candles remain lit. This is because each individual must remain and sustain him or herself, in addition, to feeding the partnership relationship.
What's interesting about relationship math is that it is exponential in its growth, so that the addition of a child to a family creates 7 relationships to be sustained. You still have the 3 relationships from before, but now you add 4 more-your child's individual identity, each parent's relationship with the child, and the family unit. Each additional child adds even more relationships as each child must now develop a relationship with each sibling and the children themselves form a unit separate from the parents. That's what makes time management so important. We must carve out time for ourselves as individuals, time for the parents as a couple, and time for the family as a whole, all while giving each child enough parent time to strengthen those relationships as well as build the child's ability to support him or herself as they grow older.
This is no small task. As parents, we tend to do a good job with our individual relationships with the child as well as the family unit relationship. We also work hard on helping our children cultivate their own identity, although success in this area is often mixed. Most of us struggle to find time to rejuvenate ourselves, although we may catch small moments with haircuts, massages, reading a book, or just having a quiet cup of tea before the rest of the house wakes up. The relationship that often gets forgotten is the parents' relationship. We tell ourselves that, as adults, we know that the child needs more of our time and that our partner will understand. And this is true, to a degree. However, at some point, you must put energy back into that relationship or it will die.
It also does no good to put energy into that relationship, or any of the others, and forget self-care. The failure to nurture one's self can lead to an over investment in the child or partner. Thus, the parent who puts all of their energy into the child can lose not only their partner, but him or herself. This is because over investment in a child often results in the creation of a fused identity with that child, making it difficult for the child to find and create a unique identity because the parent is too invested in each and every decision the child makes--indeed, the parent's own identity depends upon it. Thus, the failure to create the time for self-care results in a weakening of the relationships with the other members of your family. By depriving yourself, you deprive your spouse and child(ren), as well. A prolonged failure in this regard can result in a complete breakdown of the relationship.
Don't get me wrong. As a parent of a 2 1/2 month old, I am well acquainted with self-sacrifice and the role it plays in parenting. I don't have even remotely as much time for self-care as I used to and remembering I am wife as well as mommy can be pretty difficult. Nevertheless, there are ways to make sure we get the time we need, for ourselves and our partners, so that all of the family relationships remain strong and nurtured. For example, when one parent needs time for self-care, the other parent can spend that time building their relationship with the child--two relationships are strengthened at the same time. Taking a family vacation to a place one or both of partners love or always wanted to go can fill up the individual as well as promoting the family unit. Utilizing friends and family to watch the children in order to take a date night, or just a quiet evening at home can help the partnership relationship as well as provide opportunities for the child to learn more about herself by being away from the parents.
Truth be told, one of the things I love about letting Lil' Bit hang out with other people (friends, relatives, etc.) is that I learn a lot more things I can do as a parent to comfort or entertain her. Whether it's ways to make her burp, how to sooth her when she cries, or remembering that as she gets older, things she wasn't interested in before may have become fun, new and exciting playthings, I have learned so much from watching other parents care for Lil' Bit because they do things differently. These experiences also make me more appreciative of my time with her. When I've had her all day with no breaks, the minute Phil walks in the door, I am ready to hand her over. But, if I've left to run errands or, say, shovel 15 inches of snow off the sidewalk, when I get back inside the house, I am ready to hold and snuggle my daughter and have a lot more love and energy to offer her. My self-care rejuvenates me. That little bit of energy given to my self, recharges me and grows exponentially, giving me an abundance of love and energy that I can give to Lil' Bit.
So, getting back to yesterday, here's why it was such a great day. Morning playtime was family unit time (1). Phil got some self-care time while I cared for Lil' Bit, which also provided me with mommy time (2 & 3). I got self-care time when Gramma Pam and then Phil watched Lil' Bit so I could go to the salon, and Phil got daddy time (4 & 5). Lil' Bit's godparents took her overnight, so Phil and I got to have partnership time by having a date night (6). And finally, Lil' Bit got individual identity time by getting cared for by seven different adults, each of whom interacted with and supported her differently (7). And so it was, that we managed to feed and nourish all 7 of our family relationships. Not too shabby for a Thursday.
What's interesting about relationship math is that it is exponential in its growth, so that the addition of a child to a family creates 7 relationships to be sustained. You still have the 3 relationships from before, but now you add 4 more-your child's individual identity, each parent's relationship with the child, and the family unit. Each additional child adds even more relationships as each child must now develop a relationship with each sibling and the children themselves form a unit separate from the parents. That's what makes time management so important. We must carve out time for ourselves as individuals, time for the parents as a couple, and time for the family as a whole, all while giving each child enough parent time to strengthen those relationships as well as build the child's ability to support him or herself as they grow older.
This is no small task. As parents, we tend to do a good job with our individual relationships with the child as well as the family unit relationship. We also work hard on helping our children cultivate their own identity, although success in this area is often mixed. Most of us struggle to find time to rejuvenate ourselves, although we may catch small moments with haircuts, massages, reading a book, or just having a quiet cup of tea before the rest of the house wakes up. The relationship that often gets forgotten is the parents' relationship. We tell ourselves that, as adults, we know that the child needs more of our time and that our partner will understand. And this is true, to a degree. However, at some point, you must put energy back into that relationship or it will die.
It also does no good to put energy into that relationship, or any of the others, and forget self-care. The failure to nurture one's self can lead to an over investment in the child or partner. Thus, the parent who puts all of their energy into the child can lose not only their partner, but him or herself. This is because over investment in a child often results in the creation of a fused identity with that child, making it difficult for the child to find and create a unique identity because the parent is too invested in each and every decision the child makes--indeed, the parent's own identity depends upon it. Thus, the failure to create the time for self-care results in a weakening of the relationships with the other members of your family. By depriving yourself, you deprive your spouse and child(ren), as well. A prolonged failure in this regard can result in a complete breakdown of the relationship.
Don't get me wrong. As a parent of a 2 1/2 month old, I am well acquainted with self-sacrifice and the role it plays in parenting. I don't have even remotely as much time for self-care as I used to and remembering I am wife as well as mommy can be pretty difficult. Nevertheless, there are ways to make sure we get the time we need, for ourselves and our partners, so that all of the family relationships remain strong and nurtured. For example, when one parent needs time for self-care, the other parent can spend that time building their relationship with the child--two relationships are strengthened at the same time. Taking a family vacation to a place one or both of partners love or always wanted to go can fill up the individual as well as promoting the family unit. Utilizing friends and family to watch the children in order to take a date night, or just a quiet evening at home can help the partnership relationship as well as provide opportunities for the child to learn more about herself by being away from the parents.
Truth be told, one of the things I love about letting Lil' Bit hang out with other people (friends, relatives, etc.) is that I learn a lot more things I can do as a parent to comfort or entertain her. Whether it's ways to make her burp, how to sooth her when she cries, or remembering that as she gets older, things she wasn't interested in before may have become fun, new and exciting playthings, I have learned so much from watching other parents care for Lil' Bit because they do things differently. These experiences also make me more appreciative of my time with her. When I've had her all day with no breaks, the minute Phil walks in the door, I am ready to hand her over. But, if I've left to run errands or, say, shovel 15 inches of snow off the sidewalk, when I get back inside the house, I am ready to hold and snuggle my daughter and have a lot more love and energy to offer her. My self-care rejuvenates me. That little bit of energy given to my self, recharges me and grows exponentially, giving me an abundance of love and energy that I can give to Lil' Bit.
So, getting back to yesterday, here's why it was such a great day. Morning playtime was family unit time (1). Phil got some self-care time while I cared for Lil' Bit, which also provided me with mommy time (2 & 3). I got self-care time when Gramma Pam and then Phil watched Lil' Bit so I could go to the salon, and Phil got daddy time (4 & 5). Lil' Bit's godparents took her overnight, so Phil and I got to have partnership time by having a date night (6). And finally, Lil' Bit got individual identity time by getting cared for by seven different adults, each of whom interacted with and supported her differently (7). And so it was, that we managed to feed and nourish all 7 of our family relationships. Not too shabby for a Thursday.
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