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9.09.2014

Holding the Line, Part II

I have often wondered whether Lil' Bit has learned the lessons I intended her to from our punishments/consequences.  From this morning's actions, it appears Lil' Bit learned an entirely different lesson than I thought from yesterday.  We woke up this morning and she was all sunshines and rainbows.  She pops off to the bathroom (she was dry all night!!), and while she's going potty she says, "Mommy, what day is it?"
"Tuesday."
"What does that mean?"
"Another day-care day."

The words were no sooner out of my mouth than she flung her legs to kick off both pajama pants and pull-up in my direction.  She stretches her legs wide, pushes herself backwards again the toilet seat, and grabs hold of it, giving me a look that says, "I dare you to take me off here" and "Let's see you put this in the car" all at the same time.

My first thought was, "Oh goodie.  Another stand-off."
My second thought was, "Well, at least she learned something from yesterday's encounter."
My third thought was, "Hey.  Maybe I did too!"  Rather than escalate the situation and demand answers from her, I tried something different.

I began by says, "It looks like that made you really upset.  Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"  Silence and glares.  "Well, if you decide you want to talk about it, let me know."  Silence.  "Would you like to put your pull-up back on?  I see it's still dry.  Way to go!"  Silence and glares.  "Ok.  Well, when you're done, you let me know."  And I left.  I went to my bedroom and began going through my closet to look for something to wear.  I would occasionally hear noises from the bathroom--flushing; washing hands; pulling the shower curtain.  After 10 minutes, she shows up in my doorway wearing the pull-up and pajamas.

Score one for me! I said inside my head.  Outloud, I asked, "Are you ready for breakfast?"  We went to the kitchen, got her her "hero cookie" for going potty, and settled in for some Bubble Guppies.  I asked her what she wanted to wear, and she told me.  I got the clothes for her, along with her breakfast.  I brought her meds and she took them without blinking.  I am so awesome, I thought to myself.  Ooops!  Never a good idea.

When it came time to leave, I waited for a good stopping point and paused the DVD.  Cue BIG FRUMP.
"Time to go."
"But I want to watch it."
I was willing to negotiate and let her finish the episode, so I asked "Will you be ready to go when it's over?"
*shakes head no*
Well, no reason to let her watch anymore of it, then.  I turned off the television.  "Are you ready for your gummies?"  (Vitamins, but they are a special treat because she can only have one per day).
"Yes, please!"  She hops off the chair and heads upstairs.  Halfway up, she remembers she's mad and stomps the rest of the way up.
Ok, I think.  She's angry, but still doing what I want.  This is good, but maybe we can do better.
I stomp after her.  "Oh, that's great stomping!  I'm gonna stomp, too!  Stomping is so much fun."
Lil' Bit stopped stomping and turned around to look at me with another glare.  I cheerfully got her her gummy and some crackers for the car rise, and she happily walked out to the garage, got buckled in, and we left.

Part way there, she starts telling me that the trees are making faces at her.  I told her to smile at them.  She said, "No.  They have to smile at me first."  I said, "Well, I'm going to smile at them anyway.  They can't being me down.  I can be happy no matter what the trees do.  Haha trees!  You can't bring me down.  I'm gonna smile at you even if you don't smile back."
After about 30 seconds, Lil' Bit says, "Mommy!  I smiled at the trees, and they smiled back."
"Oh good.  Your smile always makes me happy.  I'm glad it made the trees happy, too."  Te remainder of the drive and drop-off had happy Lil' Bit.  Yay!

Phew!!  I'm really glad I used non-engagement and redirection to get us through to a fairly happy morning without the drama from yesterday.  Still, I'm a little afraid of what she's going to try tomorrow.

9.08.2014

Holding the Line

Today was Lil' Bit's return to daycare after being gone to her relatives in Tennessee for a month.  Last night, she was quite excited to return.  This morning, not so much.  When I asked her what she wanted to wear, she sat down on the bathroom floor in a frump and refused to speak.  I brushed her hair and gave her choices on what to wear.  She said no to everything.  I told her that if she didn't pick, I would pick for her.  Receiving no response, I went in search of an outfit for her.

While I was looking through a pile of clothes, she came downstairs and sat on a kitchen chair.  I held up the outfit I had selected for her and told her she would wear it unless she picked something else.  She declined to pick anything.  I attempted to put the kort on, but she pulled her legs back under the chair and gave me a look that dared me to try to put it on her.  Because I want "no" to mean "no" when it comes to respecting her body, and I told her that she is the boss of herself when it comes to her body, I refused to get into a physical fight.  I placed the clothes on the table and told her that she could wear the outfit I selected, or I would take her to daycare in just her pull-up.

Receiving no response, I packed her clothes, along with her meds and put them in the car.  As I was making trips in and out of the house to get my purse, I noticed she had turned around backwards in the chair.  By the time I was done, she had her arms wrapped around the top, her legs through the back, and she was hanging on.  It was clear she was anticipating me trying to pull her off the chair.  Rather than fight her to pull her free, I wordlessly picked up the chair with her hanging on and carried it to the garage door.  I moved my car so I could get her and the chair into the garage, came back into the house, picked up her and the chair and carried them out to the garage.  I placed her--still naked--and the chair to which she was clinging into the back of the car.  I placed the clothes on the back seat next to her car seat, started the car, backed out of the garage, and sat in the driveway.

I heard occasional cries for attention, but nothing serious.  I watched as she attempted to lay down, but there wasn't enough room in the back with her and the chair.  I rolled down the window, parked the car, and told her that her options were to get dressed and go to daycare, or to stay in the driveway all day.  I told her I would stay in the car with her, so she wouldn't be alone, but that I was going to play Frozen games on my phone until she decided what she wanted.  I asked her a few times if she was ready to get dressed, but my question would prompt a defiant look, a vigorous head shake, and it was clear she wanted to "win."  I would nod, say, "ok," and go back to my phone.

I finally quit asking anything and, after a 15-minute period where I never said anything or looked her way, I heard her moving around.  Watching in the rearview mirror, I watcher her climb out of the back into the back seat and begin to play with some toys she had left back there.  I turned around, picked up the shirt, and tentatively began dressing her.  She did not fight me, so I continued.  She began to cry, so I pulled her into the front seat and sat her in my lap and just held her while she cried.  She helped me finish dressing her, but continued to cry.  I asked her if she could use her words to tell me what was wrong, but she was crying too hard.  We snuggled for a while, and when she would quiet down, I would try again.  At best, I got a few "no" headshakes, but no words.

After a long, quiet period of snuggles and hugs, where I just spoke to her reassuringly about anything I could think of that might be bothering her, I told her that if she could talk with me, maybe we could reach a solution to her problem.  I told her that I needed to get work done and that I couldn't do it without her going to daycare, but that I would come pick her up when it was over, and we would get her a movie and pizza for dinner.  She nodded "yes."  A breakthrough!

I asked if she was ready for me to put her in her seat and didn't receive any objections, so I held her close, got out of my seat, opened the back door, put her in her seat, and buckled her in.  She answered me when I asked what kind of music she wanted.  I got in, put on the requested tunes, and we drove off.  She didn't say anything the whole ride, but she wasn't crying and didn't have the angry look in her eye.

When we arrived, I asked her if she wanted to walk in, or wanted me to carry her.  She said "carry," so I did.  When we sat down, her friends were happy to see her.  She smiled and volunteered the names of some of the other kids by way of introduction for me.  She sat in her chair, began to eat her donuts, smiled, gave me kisses goodbye, and told me she was ready for me to go.

It took an hour, but I think I held the line.  She ended up dressed and at day care.  I never issued any threats, but just gave her choices and consequences.  I probably could have done things differently earlier in the process that would not have escalated us to sitting in the driveway and necessitated the stubborn-off, but I did my best to manage the situation as I had helped create it.  Hopefully, I reinforced that there are choices she gets to make--what she wears, etc--and choices I get to make--whether she goes to daycare, etc.  Since she was ultimately happy shortly after arrival and there was no yelling, no physical altercations, and no idle threats, I'm calling this one a win.