8.30.2011
Taking the Plunge
The other evening I found myself extremely tired, having been worn down by a screaming child who was clearly tired, but refused to go to sleep. Having set her in her crib and disappeared downstairs where the wailing was only partially ear-splitting, I curled up on the sofa and wondered why I ever thought this was a good idea and whether I should reconsider having another. I thought to myself, maybe it's a good idea we didn't dive in just yet. My mind then went off on a tangent, as it is wont to do, about all of the swimming metaphors there are for making decisions--diving in, jumping in, taking the plunge, getting in over your head. And I realized all of these metaphors had something in common that I had never noticed. They all allude to the fact that, at some point, making this decision will take you to a place where you aren't grounded. Either your head is above-water but you aren't on solid footing, or you can touch the ground but you're underwater and could be drowning. Whether the decision is to get married, buy a house, go to college, have a child, move to a new place, whatever. When making these decisions, you have to take a leap, put yourself in a position where you are off-balance, tread water while you figure out what to do, and then sink or swim. Each of these events involve a huge learning curve and there is simply no way to be prepared for everything. It's quite frightening to look out as you tread water and feel like you are all alone in the middle of a vast ocean of unknown as your body begins to tire and you don't know how much longer you can hold out. But chances are, there is a life raft or flotation device nearby. What you need is friends and family to buoy your spirits. Get some advice, some perspective, or just reconnect. Finding out that everyone else is simply smiling while they tread water, not speeding past you on a yacht as it at first appeared, makes things so much easier. I am quickly learning that the more I ask advice of those who have been there, the less my head will hurt from banging it into a wall. Knowing that I have people I can go to for support makes the idea of taking the plunge and having another child easier to imagine. And hey, isn't all this metaphorical treading water making my legs stronger? So, I should be better prepared for next time, right? :)
8.22.2011
Please Sir, I Want Some More
Yes. I have just likened having another child with the quest for more gruel in Oliver Twist. Still, it seems fitting. After all, I am still finding it hard to believe, given how vocal and certain I was at the time of Lil' Bit's delivery that we were only having one, that I now find myself having passed the "serious consideration" stage and am actively contemplating another child. Still, that's where we are. So, I thought you might like some insight into how we reached our decision.
Last week, we went back to the fertility center and met with the doctor to discuss what doing another IVF cycle would entail. (By the way, did we ever mention that the doc looks like Stephen Colbert? We just kept waiting for him to hold out his hand and say, "Nation..."! But I digress.) Part of the need for discussion was based on the fact that this cycle would be frozen instead of fresh, so there is an entirely different protocol.
On the IVF side of things, we learned several important things.
1) Frozen cycles are only about half the cost of fresh--maybe even less depending the meds my insurance will cover.
2) There are waaaaaaaay fewer injections. In fact, it appears as though there's only one med done by injection and everything else is pill or suppository. It just keeps getting better.
3) My success rates have not gone down even though I aged. Because we froze my eggs before I was 35, my success rates are calculated from the <35 category, meaning we're still above 50%. Also, we have an increased chance at success because we had a successful pregnancy from the same batch of embryos.
4) Although my doctor would like me to lose 10-15 pounds to increase my chance of success, I actually already weigh 8 pounds less than I did before the last procedure!
All of this was good news, which is to say, it all helped pile us more firmly into the "yes, let's have another" column. In addition, I got word last week that I got a promotion at work that not only came with a pay raise, but would be a career position that would not require my boss getting re-elected. Permanency and pay raise also significantly favor the "yes" column.
Figuring out that we were both leaning fairly heavily toward "yes," the next question was when to do the procedure. After all, since we get to plan this thing, we might as well make it as convenient for ourselves as possible. Now, my "charge ahead first, ask questions later" personality said to go for it as soon as we could. After all, there's nothing more frustrating to me than having made a decision, but not being able to move forward or do anything toward that decision. Still, as we started talking about what certain procedure months would mean in terms of where vacations would fall, how much leave I would have saved up, when the baby would be due, when it would no longer be feasible to travel, and other similar considerations, we realized that waiting was better. The further we pushed it out, the more leave I would have. Plus, we would be able to visit family for holidays and go on a trip next summer that we've had to skip the last two years. Waiting would also give me a chance to lose a little weight and develop some healthy eating habits. My goal is to stick closely to a modified diabetic diet in an effort to prevent getting gestational diabetes again. That way, even if I do get it, it won't require me to make too many changes in my diet at that point.
Still, I didn't want to push it too far out. I really want my kids to have unique, separate birthdays. Therefore, February was the furthest out I was willing to put the procedure given that Lil' Bit was an early March procedure. Although, February would be a late October baby and that was really longer than I wanted to wait to move forward and the kids would have birthdays closer together than I wanted, I couldn't fight the seductive list of things we would be able to do if we waited.
Ultimately, the tipping point came when I realized that we were going back to the cardiologist in October to discuss our long term care plan for Lil' Bit with her VSD and missing pulmonary artery. By waiting until after that visit, we should have a much better sense of the type of care Lil' Bit will need in the future. That way, if it seems like she will need to have lots of surgeries, it may be worth it to save our leave time and money to properly care for her. Also, I want to make sure any subsequent children will receive adequate time and attention from us, rather than always coming second because of the time and energy it takes to care for Lil' Bit. My guess, given that she's asymptomatic at this point, is that she won't need much specialized care--just a lot of monitoring. Still, since we have the ability to schedule when and if we have another child, it makes sense to wait so we can factor this information in.
Oh, and as for multiples and possible failure, we have decided to have roughly the same attitude we did with our first IVF. We'll get what we're supposed to have. If it's none, it's none. If it's one, it's one. And, God help us, if it's two, it's two.
So, there you have it. Barring any bad news this October about Lil' Bit's healthcare, the plan is to reserve a spot for a February procedure, making for an October 2012 baby (or babies!). More gruel(ing labor) anyone?
Last week, we went back to the fertility center and met with the doctor to discuss what doing another IVF cycle would entail. (By the way, did we ever mention that the doc looks like Stephen Colbert? We just kept waiting for him to hold out his hand and say, "Nation..."! But I digress.) Part of the need for discussion was based on the fact that this cycle would be frozen instead of fresh, so there is an entirely different protocol.
On the IVF side of things, we learned several important things.
1) Frozen cycles are only about half the cost of fresh--maybe even less depending the meds my insurance will cover.
2) There are waaaaaaaay fewer injections. In fact, it appears as though there's only one med done by injection and everything else is pill or suppository. It just keeps getting better.
3) My success rates have not gone down even though I aged. Because we froze my eggs before I was 35, my success rates are calculated from the <35 category, meaning we're still above 50%. Also, we have an increased chance at success because we had a successful pregnancy from the same batch of embryos.
4) Although my doctor would like me to lose 10-15 pounds to increase my chance of success, I actually already weigh 8 pounds less than I did before the last procedure!
All of this was good news, which is to say, it all helped pile us more firmly into the "yes, let's have another" column. In addition, I got word last week that I got a promotion at work that not only came with a pay raise, but would be a career position that would not require my boss getting re-elected. Permanency and pay raise also significantly favor the "yes" column.
Figuring out that we were both leaning fairly heavily toward "yes," the next question was when to do the procedure. After all, since we get to plan this thing, we might as well make it as convenient for ourselves as possible. Now, my "charge ahead first, ask questions later" personality said to go for it as soon as we could. After all, there's nothing more frustrating to me than having made a decision, but not being able to move forward or do anything toward that decision. Still, as we started talking about what certain procedure months would mean in terms of where vacations would fall, how much leave I would have saved up, when the baby would be due, when it would no longer be feasible to travel, and other similar considerations, we realized that waiting was better. The further we pushed it out, the more leave I would have. Plus, we would be able to visit family for holidays and go on a trip next summer that we've had to skip the last two years. Waiting would also give me a chance to lose a little weight and develop some healthy eating habits. My goal is to stick closely to a modified diabetic diet in an effort to prevent getting gestational diabetes again. That way, even if I do get it, it won't require me to make too many changes in my diet at that point.
Still, I didn't want to push it too far out. I really want my kids to have unique, separate birthdays. Therefore, February was the furthest out I was willing to put the procedure given that Lil' Bit was an early March procedure. Although, February would be a late October baby and that was really longer than I wanted to wait to move forward and the kids would have birthdays closer together than I wanted, I couldn't fight the seductive list of things we would be able to do if we waited.
Ultimately, the tipping point came when I realized that we were going back to the cardiologist in October to discuss our long term care plan for Lil' Bit with her VSD and missing pulmonary artery. By waiting until after that visit, we should have a much better sense of the type of care Lil' Bit will need in the future. That way, if it seems like she will need to have lots of surgeries, it may be worth it to save our leave time and money to properly care for her. Also, I want to make sure any subsequent children will receive adequate time and attention from us, rather than always coming second because of the time and energy it takes to care for Lil' Bit. My guess, given that she's asymptomatic at this point, is that she won't need much specialized care--just a lot of monitoring. Still, since we have the ability to schedule when and if we have another child, it makes sense to wait so we can factor this information in.
Oh, and as for multiples and possible failure, we have decided to have roughly the same attitude we did with our first IVF. We'll get what we're supposed to have. If it's none, it's none. If it's one, it's one. And, God help us, if it's two, it's two.
So, there you have it. Barring any bad news this October about Lil' Bit's healthcare, the plan is to reserve a spot for a February procedure, making for an October 2012 baby (or babies!). More gruel(ing labor) anyone?
8.16.2011
Lessons from Alaska
As some of you know, we just returned from a two week trip to Alaska to celebrate Phil's parents' 50th wedding anniversary. The trip was positively amazing and Alaska was beautiful. We saw, among other things, whales, orcas, Dall's sheep, caribou, moose, bald eagles, sea lions, salmon swimming upstream, glaciers calving, rainforests where the ground was totally covered with ferns, and days with almost 24 hours of sunlight. The trip also taught me a few things:
1) I would not have made a good stay-at-home mother. After two weeks of being an always-on parent, I am so ready to return Lil' Bit to her child care provider and head back off to work. Don't get me wrong. I loved spending time with her and watching her grow (she crawled for the first time on the trip!). But, I would not be a good stay-at-home parent. I would lose my s**t faster than a man about to be hit by a freight train. I give props to all those parents who manage it. You have special skills that I do not possess. You are amazing. Me, not so much. I'm going back to the work world to regain my sanity.
2) I sacrifice my comfort for others. Lil' Bit did amazing on this trip all told. In fact, I've never heard so many people tell me how well-behaved my child is. Of course, these were not the people who slept in the rooms next to us at various points along the way. So, in an effort to reduce the screaming, I gave in and let Lil' Bit sleep with me several nights. We also rocked her to sleep in our arms for most naps and bedtime. Combined with the fact that we were all sleeping in the same room for two weeks, and the fact that we shot Lil' Bit's schedule to hell, and you have a nightmare to break her of all these bad habits on our return. There has been a great deal of screaming and crying--on everybody's part--to get things back to some semblance of order. I'm actually hoping that getting her back to the childcare provider will help bring back some sense of order. But, I digress. The lesson I learned was, I was willing to have Lil' Bit learn bad habits on the trip and then spend my time and energy breaking her of them on our return in an effort to reduce the screaming that would disrupt others' vacations.
3) Vacations with children require additional vacation time to recover from. I remember those quaint days back before we had children and I used to joke that I needed a vacation to recover from my vacation. Yeah. Well, with kids, that is even more true. Hauling around extra luggage, doing tons of laundry on the return, stressing out about how many people are bothered by the fussing and whether the kid will be a good traveler, whether I am making enough of an effort to quiet my child to not be seen as a delinquent parent, making sure not to leave anything important behind, etc, etc. I loved the trip. It was amazing and wonderful and I would do it again. But I would not call it a vacation.
4) There are many beautiful places in the world that I will never live; Alaska is one of them. July and August are positively beautiful months to visit. But, I saw and heard more than enough to know that this is not the place for someone who hates snow. Heck, I still can't believe people live in the UP, let alone that whole country of people north of that (Canada, I'm talking about you). We heard stories from all kinds of people who apparently went to visit Alaska and just decided to stay. I think it is fairly safe to say that I will not be one of those people--especially after learning that a single container of Oreos cost $7 and all the fixin's on a Subway sandwich aren't free!
5) I have great in-laws. I spent two weeks with my in-laws and had a wonderful time. We traveled together, ate together, told stories, played with each others kids, and had a fabulous time. I am so lucky to have two families--that of my origin and that which I married into--where I can be me and have a great time.
6) Cruiseship personnel love babies. Everywhere we went on the ship, people called out to our baby by name. Walk into the restaurant for dinner at night and it was like a receiving line as three or four people, from the hostess to the head waiter, would take a few seconds to smile and tickle Lil' Bit. Walking down the hall one day, we heard two women talking. One said, "Aww, that is the cutest baby." The other replied, "Oh, that's [Lil' Bit]." The photographers taking candid photos at dinner took one each of the adults, but three or four of her. She was the center of attention, she knew it, and she LOVED it. We are so screwed.
So, all in all, an amazing trip with good opportunities for personal growth, but I am glad to be home in my own bed.
1) I would not have made a good stay-at-home mother. After two weeks of being an always-on parent, I am so ready to return Lil' Bit to her child care provider and head back off to work. Don't get me wrong. I loved spending time with her and watching her grow (she crawled for the first time on the trip!). But, I would not be a good stay-at-home parent. I would lose my s**t faster than a man about to be hit by a freight train. I give props to all those parents who manage it. You have special skills that I do not possess. You are amazing. Me, not so much. I'm going back to the work world to regain my sanity.
2) I sacrifice my comfort for others. Lil' Bit did amazing on this trip all told. In fact, I've never heard so many people tell me how well-behaved my child is. Of course, these were not the people who slept in the rooms next to us at various points along the way. So, in an effort to reduce the screaming, I gave in and let Lil' Bit sleep with me several nights. We also rocked her to sleep in our arms for most naps and bedtime. Combined with the fact that we were all sleeping in the same room for two weeks, and the fact that we shot Lil' Bit's schedule to hell, and you have a nightmare to break her of all these bad habits on our return. There has been a great deal of screaming and crying--on everybody's part--to get things back to some semblance of order. I'm actually hoping that getting her back to the childcare provider will help bring back some sense of order. But, I digress. The lesson I learned was, I was willing to have Lil' Bit learn bad habits on the trip and then spend my time and energy breaking her of them on our return in an effort to reduce the screaming that would disrupt others' vacations.
3) Vacations with children require additional vacation time to recover from. I remember those quaint days back before we had children and I used to joke that I needed a vacation to recover from my vacation. Yeah. Well, with kids, that is even more true. Hauling around extra luggage, doing tons of laundry on the return, stressing out about how many people are bothered by the fussing and whether the kid will be a good traveler, whether I am making enough of an effort to quiet my child to not be seen as a delinquent parent, making sure not to leave anything important behind, etc, etc. I loved the trip. It was amazing and wonderful and I would do it again. But I would not call it a vacation.
4) There are many beautiful places in the world that I will never live; Alaska is one of them. July and August are positively beautiful months to visit. But, I saw and heard more than enough to know that this is not the place for someone who hates snow. Heck, I still can't believe people live in the UP, let alone that whole country of people north of that (Canada, I'm talking about you). We heard stories from all kinds of people who apparently went to visit Alaska and just decided to stay. I think it is fairly safe to say that I will not be one of those people--especially after learning that a single container of Oreos cost $7 and all the fixin's on a Subway sandwich aren't free!
5) I have great in-laws. I spent two weeks with my in-laws and had a wonderful time. We traveled together, ate together, told stories, played with each others kids, and had a fabulous time. I am so lucky to have two families--that of my origin and that which I married into--where I can be me and have a great time.
6) Cruiseship personnel love babies. Everywhere we went on the ship, people called out to our baby by name. Walk into the restaurant for dinner at night and it was like a receiving line as three or four people, from the hostess to the head waiter, would take a few seconds to smile and tickle Lil' Bit. Walking down the hall one day, we heard two women talking. One said, "Aww, that is the cutest baby." The other replied, "Oh, that's [Lil' Bit]." The photographers taking candid photos at dinner took one each of the adults, but three or four of her. She was the center of attention, she knew it, and she LOVED it. We are so screwed.
So, all in all, an amazing trip with good opportunities for personal growth, but I am glad to be home in my own bed.
8.14.2011
Choices
Growing up, my family did not call the food in the refrigerator "leftovers." Instead, we were having "choices" for dinner. You could choose to have anything that was available. It was a small, but useful mindtrick. It left us in control of what we were having for dinner. You got to choose. Now generally, I am a fan of choices. They are empowering. But there are times when it's difficult to make a choice because there are positives and negatives to either choice. And that, dear readers, is where I currently find myself.
Phil and I have begun discussions about whether to have another child. We have managed to do a good job laying out the pros and cons and letting each other know where we are on any given day. Even so, we waffle back and forth. I am having a particularly difficult time reconciling my emotional desire for another child with the rationalizations of whether I have the time/money/energy to raise another one (or two!). Times like these I wish we had the ability to "accidentally" get pregnant. It would make the decision much easier. It allows for that, "We'll try, and if it's meant to be, it'll happen" type of reasoning. Instead, we must look at financial balance sheets, consider whether and how to schedule procedures while taking care of Lil' Bit, and, ultimately, own that we are making a conscious, active decision one way or the other. Whatever the results, we chose them.
Yesterday, as I spent a few more hours wrestling with where I am, I realized that I was trying to figure out which decision would leave me without grief and that there was no such option. If I choose not to have another child, I have to grieve that loss. If I choose to have another child, I have to grieve the loss of the time/energy/money/freedom that I might otherwise have had. Then, there's the potential grief of deciding to have another child and the procedure not being successful. The simple fact is, no matter what decision I make, there will come a time in my future where I will wish I had made the other choice. There are times I would rather not have to choose, but, in the words of Rush, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." Electing not to choose is the same as choosing not to have another child. So, not choosing really isn't a separate option.
Ultimately, neither decision will leave me totally fulfilled and neither decision will leave me without regret. Turns out that this was a rather freeing realization, because now I can remove grief and regret from the equation--it exists on both sides. This has not stopped the waffling, however. And I can tell I'm waffling because I have reverted back to my general position--when in doubt, seek out information. So, I have appointments with the fertility doctors and my obgyn; I have Googled and otherwise scoured the internet for tips and things to consider; and I have asked friends for advice. I am, however, about to reach the end of my information gathering and will have to make a choice.
In case you're wondering, at the moment, I'm leaning toward having another child--provided the doctors assure me it's a good idea. But, we'll have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.
Phil and I have begun discussions about whether to have another child. We have managed to do a good job laying out the pros and cons and letting each other know where we are on any given day. Even so, we waffle back and forth. I am having a particularly difficult time reconciling my emotional desire for another child with the rationalizations of whether I have the time/money/energy to raise another one (or two!). Times like these I wish we had the ability to "accidentally" get pregnant. It would make the decision much easier. It allows for that, "We'll try, and if it's meant to be, it'll happen" type of reasoning. Instead, we must look at financial balance sheets, consider whether and how to schedule procedures while taking care of Lil' Bit, and, ultimately, own that we are making a conscious, active decision one way or the other. Whatever the results, we chose them.
Yesterday, as I spent a few more hours wrestling with where I am, I realized that I was trying to figure out which decision would leave me without grief and that there was no such option. If I choose not to have another child, I have to grieve that loss. If I choose to have another child, I have to grieve the loss of the time/energy/money/freedom that I might otherwise have had. Then, there's the potential grief of deciding to have another child and the procedure not being successful. The simple fact is, no matter what decision I make, there will come a time in my future where I will wish I had made the other choice. There are times I would rather not have to choose, but, in the words of Rush, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." Electing not to choose is the same as choosing not to have another child. So, not choosing really isn't a separate option.
Ultimately, neither decision will leave me totally fulfilled and neither decision will leave me without regret. Turns out that this was a rather freeing realization, because now I can remove grief and regret from the equation--it exists on both sides. This has not stopped the waffling, however. And I can tell I'm waffling because I have reverted back to my general position--when in doubt, seek out information. So, I have appointments with the fertility doctors and my obgyn; I have Googled and otherwise scoured the internet for tips and things to consider; and I have asked friends for advice. I am, however, about to reach the end of my information gathering and will have to make a choice.
In case you're wondering, at the moment, I'm leaning toward having another child--provided the doctors assure me it's a good idea. But, we'll have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.
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