Where Do We Go From Here

As is evident from my last post, the blood test on Saturday did not bring good news.  My hCG level had dropped to 200.  My doctor's office called me with the news and had me stop my medications.  Thus began the long process of waiting for nature to take its course.  It is extremely difficult to process the loss and attempt healing when the loss is still ongoing.  I also know that I will spend the next few weeks or so having to inform those people who, for whatever reason, don't yet know that we lost the baby.

As sad as I am about the loss, I also have some relief.  The truth is, ever since the numbers didn't double within 48 hours, I wondered about the viability of the pregnancy.  I know the doctor said it was fine, but given how easily Lil' Bit's numbers doubled, I'm not sure I ever believed it.  And, once the spotting started, I was pretty sure it was all over.  I know there are lots of reasons women bleed and that some do go on to carry babies to term.  Still, it was just another sign.  And, if I'm being honest, I would not have felt much relief if the number Saturday had come back doubled.  I would have spent the whole pregnancy worrying, and anxiety wouldn't have been good for either of us.  I'm not sure anything would have reassured me.  I'm also grateful that it happened at home.  I think it would have been much worse if we had gotten to the ultrasound this Thursday and discovered no heartbeat.  Not only would the news have been devastating, but I would have had to deal with all the emotions there in public at the doctor's office and then figure out how to explain why I wasn't coming back to work.  Experiencing it at home, before Lil' Bit ever woke up, when Phil and I had time together and alone to process everything was ideal--at least, as ideal as that situation ever can be.

Up next is figuring out where we are and what we want to do.  We meet with the doctor this Thursday, on what would have been our ultrasound appointment, to talk about what happens next.  One of the questions he'll answer is how long we have to wait if we do, in fact, decide to try again.  I'll have another blood test on Friday to make sure my hCG levels have dropped back under 5.  If not, I'll have to undergo medical intervention to complete the process.  In addition, Phil and I have to figure out if we have both the emotional and monetary capital available to spend on another attempt.  Even if we decided right here and now that we wanted to try again, we would still wait.  Not just to let my body heal, but to avoid trying during the Lenten/Easter season when our household is already taxed and stressed (Plus, with Phil's job, we really need to avoid a Christmas due date).

As we travel down this road, we will talk to each other; check in with where we are and how we feel; reach a decision together; and be gentle with one another as we heal.

Dear Angel Baby

Dear Baby,

Even though you were with us only a short time, the size of the hole you have left in our hearts feels quite large. You were wanted and loved from the very first moment we knew you were there.  Chances are good that we won't ever know why you left us.  The potential reasons are myriad and, ultimately, whatever one it actually is won't make much difference.  The result is the same.  You aren't here.  We don't get to see you grow up.  We don't get to watch who you become.  Your sister won't get a chance to know you.  She won't even have any independent recollection that you ever existed.  But we will know.  And we will remember.  We feel privileged that you chose us to be your parents, even if only for a few weeks.  Be well, my child.  Your imprint on my heart will last a lifetime.

Love, Mom

Baby Hobson - 2/23/12

Anxious Waiting

*WARNING--not for the squeamish*

I don't even know where to begin.  Today was rough.  It started with my dream that I was having a miscarriage.  When I woke up and went to the restroom, I discovered lots of blood and some tissue.  After anxiously waiting for the fertility center to open, I called them and talked with a nurse.  By then the bleeding had slowed down to more like spotting and stopped entirely by 9:00.  The nurse calculated that it was too early to see anything by ultrasound, so they sent me for a blood test and said I would hear back this afternoon about the results and whether I needed to increase my meds.

I had the test at roughly 10:30.  Then I waited.

While I waited, I worked from home so that I would get the call whether they called my cell or my house.  I'm glad I did both--The working helped take my mind off of things but being at home helped me be more comfortable and cry when I needed to.  Still, as the day crept along and I heard nothing, I got more anxious.  I called and left a message with the nurse at 2:55.  I called again at 4:25. knowing the office closed at 4:30, but got put back into the nurse's mailbox.  Around 4:45 I finally got a call from a different, baffled nurse, indicating that she had my blood test results but wondering why I had gone.  I did my best not to cry too much as I explained everything again (Really?!  It wasn't in my chart?!).  It was the first time I have ever felt that the care I got there was less than 100%.  Let's hope it's the last.  Anyway, after I explained everything, she gave me my result: 931.

The good news--this is a good number.  It means my hCG levels have been doubling roughly every 2.7 days up until now.  The bad news--it doesn't tell them anything about today.  So, I have another beta test on Saturday to see if my numbers are still increasing properly after today's incident.  I'm also supposed to increase my progesterone.  So, now, all I can do is wait.  Anxiously.  On the plus side, I have never been happier to have a toddler to keep my mind off of the waiting.

Dear Baby - Discernment

Dear Baby,

I don't know what the world will look like when you are old enough to start school.  However, even though we are a long way off from your formal education, I intend to teach you what I believe is one of the most important lessons people need and one that is rarely, if ever, taught.  Discernment.

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far, away...(Yes, your parents are geeks; you will suffer from this fact your entire life.  Sorry.).  Anyway, as I was saying, long ago, research was done at libraries using books and card catalog systems.  There were no blogs; no Wikipedia; no internet; no computers.  There was knowledge, but you had to go look for it.  With the above inventions, research became easier.  Access to all types of information opened up.  Virtually anyone from anywhere could have access to any information out there.  Which was wonderful.  Except that it also resulted in information overload.  Often, the important information became hard to find again because it was drowned out by nonsense and junk.  And, although people had gained access to lots of new information, no one taught them how to thoughtfully consider and weigh that information.  No one taught them how to cull through the morass of information to find what was relevant, accurate, or true.  There are times when people find a single source that says something they want to be true, and they will cite it.  News Flash!  Just because someone posts something on the internet, or prints it in a book or a newspaper, or says it on the television, does not make it true, or right, or good, or anything else.  You are going to have to learn to discern what is useful and helpful out of all the information that is thrown your way.  And it is my job, and privilege, to help you learn how to do that.

This does not mean that I am going to require you to agree with me.  I expect you to be your own individual  with your own opinions.  As your grandparents said about your father and your Aunt L, the worst thing they ever did was teach them to think for themselves; they have been trouble ever since.  I expect you to think for yourself.  But I will also expect you to be able to support your positions.  I expect that your uncle Dale will be most helpful in this regard and, when you are old enough to start reasoning, I imagine that he will take great delight in helping you hone that ability.

Furthermore, generally speaking, you will be able to expect the same of me.  When we are having discussions, I should be able to provide support for my positions.  But, even if you don't like or agree with my reasoning, you will still have to do what I say.  Contrary to popular belief, until you are 18, I am the boss of you because I am your parent and I am responsible for you.  In this vein, there will be times when what I say goes and the only support necessary for my position will be "Because I said so."  It will not be fair.  You will not like it.  But you will have to abide by it.  I have no doubt that this will cause much consternation and strife for you and your sister, similar to that caused to me and my siblings when our parents did it to us.  It will not change anything.  You will still have to do as I say.  But, I pledge to you that I will do my very best to use "because I said so" sparingly.  And, when its your home and your child, I give you permission to use it as much as you want.  Until then, know that whenever I say you must do something, it is said out of love.  Maybe frustration and anger, too.  But, always, rooted in love.

Love,
Mom

Dear Baby

There's another blog I sometimes read, called Birthing Beautiful Ideas.  Although I find her slightly more "crunchy" than I, she comes across as quite moderate and I love her humor and insight.  During her last pregnancy, she did a series of letters to her growing child that she titled "Dear Baby."  Today, as I was having a personal rant, I found myself ranting to my baby.  Because I began my talk, "Dear Baby" I thought I might shamelessly steal her concept.  So, here, for your reading pleasure, is my first "Dear Baby."

Dear Baby,

You are roughly 5 weeks old today (counting the very weird pregnancy way in which you are 2 weeks old before I even conceive).  Do not ask me why they make us all lie to each other this way.  It is the medical establishment and I have no control over them.  Maybe someday you can grow up and make them all see reason.

Anyway, I want you to know that I love you.  And to prove how much I already love you, I am eating a salad.  See, I am a lover of almost anything sweet and carbolicious and I am a HUGE fan of comfort food.  So, when today turned into an extremely stressful day, all I really wanted was a big, honking glass of McD's sweet tea, followed shortly by nuggets slathered in sweet n' sour sauce, fries slathered in said sauce, and a shamrock shake.  But I didn't.  I had a SALAD!  Because I love you.

Love,
Mom

Lightning Does Strike Twice

It's official--we're pregnant again!  Both betas are back and the news is all good.  Today was rough, though.  I had my blood test at 7:00 a.m.  Monday's results had come to me at 9:00 a.m., so I expected something similar today.  No dice.  I still had no call by 12:30 p.m.  I had just about decided I would call them around 2:00 p.m. when Phil called me to tell me there was a message on the phone at home to call them (they had never called me at that number before).  Well, they are closed from 12 to 1 for lunch, but I called and left a message anyway and said to call my cell.  Sometime around 1:15, I guess, I got the call.

Monday's beta was 68, so the magic number we *thought* we were looking for today was 136.  We got 119.  My initial thought was to totally freak out, but before I did, I managed to notice that the lady at the other end was still talking in a happy voice.  So, I managed to push down most of my fear and listen.  Apparently, they look for the number to "roughly" double, because the doubling time is 48 to 72 hours.  Because the beta tests were only 48 hours apart, 80% of the way to doubling is well within that range.  Yay!  I double-checked with the nurse that it didn't need to be higher and she assured me the numbers were fine.  However, she offered to order another test in two days if we wanted, but I told her I was willing to take her word for it.  [She has no idea how big a step that is for me!]  I texted Phil right away so he could put the news out, and I posted a picture of Lil' Bit in her new "I'm the big sister" shirt.  [We actually let her wear it to daycare today we were feeling so good about the news from Monday.]

The plan from here (because you must know by now that there will be a plan and I will share it) is that we have our ultrasound scheduled for March 1--which will be just over 6 weeks pregnant if I calculated correctly--at which point they can tell us if we're having twins.  My guess is no, particularly in light of my numbers, but you never know.  So, any betting folks out there?  Boy?  Girl?  Both?  A pair and a spare?  Before you ask, I have no preferences boy or girl, but my guess is that it's a boy.  I would prefer just one, but I will take what I get and be thrilled to bits.  For now, I'm just basking in the glow and totally amazed that we managed to have successful IVF cycles on the first try both times.  I am dumbfounded, but also truly blessed and grateful.

The Return of the Rollercoaster

Although this post will not be published for about 5 more days, I wanted to write it because I find that it is hard to recreate the experience of feelings when I am writing after the fact.  Hopefully, by the time this posts, we'll be making grand pronouncements of joy.  But, because the whole purpose of this blog is to chronicle the experience, here is Friday's experience:

So, I managed to wait until today to poas.  It was difficult, but I got there.  And, about 1:30 a.m., I took the plunge.  Here's the result:

You may not be able to see it very well, as these things aren't made for photographing, but there it is!  TWO, count them, TWO lines.  Although the first one is very faint, I have been told numerous time that "a line is a line is a line."  I woke Phil up and said, "It's positive!"  God bless him, he sleepily said, "What is?"  "The hpt!"  He gave me a kiss and we snuggled back in for sleep; sleep that never came for me.  When the alarm went off at 4:45a.m., I had not yet fallen back to sleep.  The adrenaline kept pumping!  We agreed to tell our parents and 3 other people, but otherwise we wanted to keep things quiet until both betas confirmed not just the pregnancy, but its viability.

I'm glad we waited.  Just a few hours later, I started experiencing horrible cramping and some spotting.  I texted Phil at work to tell him and I called my clinic.  The nurse called me back and reassured me that this can be totally normal and that, although its a little early to rely on the hpt, I could probably take some comfort in it, but we had to wait until Monday to do the first beta.

ARAGH!  As I lay on my sofa, drinking water and trying to rest, my emotions ran all over the place.  Why!  Why did I have to test this morning?!  Why did I get my very first 2 line test only to have the joy destroyed.  But, by the time Phil came home with my comfort food lunch (Taco Bell, if you must know), I realized that my positive hpt was a blessing.  If I had started cramping and spotting without that knowledge, I would have been even more of a basket case waiting until Monday.  Those little lines gave me comfort and helped me get through the day.

And, my chocolate-covered strawberries arrived today!  I discovered them back in 2006 when I was interning for a local judge.  I have since ordered them for many special occasions and sent them out for Mother's Day.  When I realized that our beta tests were going to fall around Valentine's Day, I declared that I was going to have chocolate on hand to either celebrate or drown my sorrows in.  In the process of trying to decide what to get, I realized that I really wanted my strawberries.  So, I ordered 2 dozen and had them shipped early.  Their arrival today was most timely!  I plowed through four of them shortly after getting them in the door and felt much calmer.  [I also rationalized that chocolate is good for babies!]

Anyway, I think I'm on a slightly more even keel while I wait for the official betas.  I haven't decided if I'll do another hpt tomorrow or Sunday.  I may just wait for my betas.  After all, an hpt can't tell me whether the numbers are doubling; just if the hCG is there and, according to the one today, it is.  For now, the waiting continues.

The Waiting Game

Well, hello, TWW.  We meet again.

And so, after my transfer on Thursday, I find myself with nothing to do but wait.  The worst part about the wait is wondering what every little cramp and twinge in your body means.  Sometimes, I wish cramps came with a little ticker/scroller with messages like:  no worries, it's just gas; get ready, your cycle's on its way; seek help, your appendix is about to burst; you're hungry, dummy; and so forth.  But, since nothing like that exists, I simply try not to focus on it, or, when I lose that battle, just breathe and know that I cannot change whatever is occurring and that I will accept whatever is to be.  Oh look, another lesson about lack of control.  SMH! (smack my head)

On the upside, the waiting is going much faster this time.  And do you know why?  Because I have a toddler!  Last time, it was me, Phil, and a long wait (not to mention daily shots!).  This time, there are meds to feed Lil' Bit, doctor's appointments, milestones to note, baths to give, books to read, snuggles and cuddles to enjoy, and time to share (and no shots!).  That doesn't meant the wait isn't bothering me.  Just that it's bothering me less this time around.

As for the hpt issue from my last post, I have decided to poas (that's short for pee on a stick) three times, max--most likely Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  My best tests are scheduled for the 13th and 15th.  The one from the 13th is to see if we're pregnant and the one on the 15th is to make sure the numbers are doubling appropriately.  If both tests go well, we go in March 1 for an ultrasound.

I also have a very different attitude about things this time around.  First, I'm more relaxed because, if the cycle isn't successful, it doesn't mean I'm not a parent; just that Lil' Bit doesn't get a sibling.  Already having one child makes a huge difference.  Second, I realized that I'm already pregnant.  Think about it.  In any natural cycle or IUI, there's a chance you don't ovulate, or that no fertilization takes place, or whatever.  We don't have that problem.  I know that there are two little embryos inside of me growing away.  Thus, to the extent that anybody is considered pregnant at this point, I am as pregnant as they are.  What the blood tests will tell me is whether I was able to sustain the pregnancy.  This perspective also recognizes that, if a cycle is unsuccessful, there was a loss of a child that did not come to be, the same as with any pregnancy loss--whether by chemical pregnancy; the lack of a heartbeat come first or subsequent ultrasound; a miscarriage; whatever.

So, this TWW, I am waiting for either the bloodtest or hpt to confirm a continued pregnancy.  And, in case you're wondering, don't expect the news right away.  Similar to last time, we'll probably keep the news to ourselves until both betas have been performed.