Milestones

Went to the doctor today for an ultrasound. We do not appear to be having multiples. I am officially 5 weeks and 6 days along. Due date is Nov 23--2 days before Thanksgiving. Truly something I am, and will continue to be, thankful for.

We could see the little one's heartbeat, although it was too early to be able to hear it. The little bean is about the size of a grain of rice. So tiny and yet already has a heartbeat! Incredible. We even got a picture. According to the doctor, he is pleased with our progress. I go back in two weeks for another ultrasound and, if everything still looks good, they will "graduate" me back to my regular doctor! I have also been cleared to lift 25 pounds (instead of just 10) and am permitted to walk (very slowly) a mile a day.

In the meantime, I continue to have daily shots and pills. We'll still have to take meds after 8 weeks, but it won't be by shot. Yay! Phil has been trooper in all this. I think his phrase regarding giving shots is: I'm getting very good at something I hate doing. He's been very brave and I'm so proud of him.

For me, the shots are not the most difficult thing. As a junk food aficionado, the most difficult thing about pregnancy has been eating well. I am doing much better, and it gets easier the longer I do it, but it definitely doesn't come naturally to me. Ultimately, though, having a healthy baby will be worth it (not to mention improving my own health). I just need to see it as a challenge I can throw my stubborn behind; then nothing can stop me!

For now, I'm doing my best to live the adventure each day and savor the milestones. I know it's something I should have been doing anyway, but being pregnant has made it much easier.

Feeling Pregnant

I've heard stories of people who just knew they were pregnant. I am not one of them. Even after multiple test results to reassure me, I didn't feel any different (except *really* happy)! And when it's this early, and you can't feel anything, and you're not showing, some days, you actually forget. At least, I do.

For example, on Wednesday, I went to lunch with a friend of mine to Red Lobster--one of my all-time favorites. Generally, we would go for dinner and I would always get a pina colada. I remember thinking to myself that I couldn't have one this time, not because I was pregnant, but because it was the middle of the work day. It wasn't until I got home that night that I remembered I couldn't have one for another reason. Duh!

It turns out that, quite by accident, I found a way to feel pregnant (without doing something stupid like going broke on pee sticks). Yesterday, I went out with a group of friends for my annual birthday gathering. We had great fun (we always do), but we did something new this year. After dinner, we ended up at a shop for maternity wear. It was exciting and entertaining. I put on a fake belly and tried on clothes. There was lots of great stuff on sale and so I decided to give in and use my birthday money to get them. As I was buying the clothes, I discovered that having the clothes made it real. I *felt* pregnant.

In that moment, I also knew why I hadn't before--I had forgotten to do something to celebrate it. I had been trying not to get too attached in case something happened instead of celebrating the moment and relishing my success and good fortune. What I needed was to get attached; to get excited. I don't have to go all out and paint the nursery or buy a crib and bedding just yet, but getting the clothes seem to be the perfect blend of acceptance and excitement. Just enough, so that I finally feel pregnant.

Good News

Short and simple today. Needed 108, got 184. HCG more than tripled from Wednesday. Yay! Life is good and I'm feeling more relieved. Next stop, ultrasound on March 29. Until then, this coming week is doctor free. Woo freakin' hoo!

Cautious Optimism

It's been a roller-coaster ride these last few days. Up until last Sunday, I was convinced that the IVF had worked. Once Sunday arrived, I began to have doubts. Come Monday morning, I woke up convinced it was going to be negative. I ended up deciding to work from home and had Phil take me to the blood draw because I couldn't concentrate enough to drive. The lady at the lab gave me a phone number I could call within 4 hours for the results if I didn't want to wait for the clinic to call. Although I seriously considered calling, I ultimately waited for the clinic's call, because the lab could only tell me the HCG number. The clinic would tell me what it meant. Monday afternoon dragged and, at 3:30 p.m., the phone finally rang. Good news--my HCG was 22.6 (anything over 10 was positive for pregnancy). Yay! So, the next step was to wait until Wednesday and have a second beta test done. The goal was to see the number double. Namely, we're looking for a 45. We were very excited, but decided we would wait to say anything to most folks, although we emailed family with the results. We went out to dinner to celebrate and it was sinking in. I was *finally* pregnant. The elation didn't last.

Around 8:00 p.m., I noticed that I had begun spotting and cramping. I will spare you the exact details, but it was a complete downer. I had just learned I'm pregnant and a few hours later might be losing it?! I freaked. I frantically Googled the internet looking for some solace. I found some reassuring words. Apparently spotting can be perfectly normal and, rather common for IVFers. Whew! Still, I wasn't totally convinced. The problem was, there was nothing to do but wait for today's second beta test.

This morning I had my second beta. I was not nearly as patient this time--I called the lab for my results rather than waiting for the clinic. 53.6! I had more than doubled in 48 hours. Yay! This was good news. I called Phil to share. We agreed that at this point we were willing to share the news and posted our agreed-upon Facebook status updates (a simple +). I waited for the clinic to call with the official word. The nurse finally called and advised that they were pleased by my beta and I was to continue my shots and other meds. We discussed the spotting and she indicated that it was likely nothing to worry about, but they would order another beta test for Friday just to make sure. So, we are cautiously optimistic.

Friday, I'll have a third beta--the magic number we're looking for is 108 or higher. Provided we get positive news, we'll have our first ultrasound on March 29. For now, I'm reveling in the fact that, for the first time EVER, I'm officially pregnant. That, in and of itself, is a miracle. And I am so grateful.

N't Fair

I have always felt that the world should be fair, and been disappointed when I discovered it wasn't. When I was younger and discovered that the world did not correspond with my vision of fair play, I would have a little tirade and yell, "N't fair!" I'm uncertain why the absence of the "o" was important. Perhaps in my frustration, pronouncing the "o" simply took too much work. Whatever the reason, it became something of a signature line for me. To this day, if I get particularly exasperated, I still say it.

Why is this relevant? Because a conversation I had yesterday reminded me just how unfair the world is. Phil and I were at a party for a friend. I was already having a difficult time because I had just had my shot, my hormones were raging, the injection site was sore and beginning to create a hard lump, and I was in a room full of people, the majority of whom I didn't know--the nightmare of all introverts. I was introduced to a few people and I began to have a conversation with one of them. At some point, the inevitable question arose: "Do you have children?" Knowing that this person did not realize she had stepped on a landmine, I simply replied, "We're working on it." As the conversation continued, we asked what one another did for a living and she indicated she was staying at home helping her daughter raise six children and that her daughter was pregnant with a seventh. I was taking this all in stride until the lady said, "She wasn't supposed to be able to have anymore, but I guess God just wanted them to keep having kids." I simply nodded and continued, but inside I was seething. Because for her statement to be accurate--that God kept giving them children because they were supposed to have them--the converse had to be true--God had not given me children because I wasn't supposed to have them. I call bullsh*t. On both counts.

One couple's struggles with fertility are not an indication that they shouldn't be parents any more than some other couple's ability to get pregnant is an indication that they are worthy of being parents. There are many people who have children who have neither the ability nor inclination to take care of them. In any given month, I am exposed to stories of people who do horrible things to their children, neglecting them in large and small ways. I refuse to believe that God granted them children because they were "supposed to" have them. Because it's not about "supposed to." To buy into "supposed to" requires a belief that people are supposed to die of cancer or from a horrible car accident. It means buying into the fallacy that only bad people suffer and only good people prosper. And it just isn't true. Life isn't fair and God never promised it would be.

I don't know why some people get to take the easy road to parenthood and my path is more difficult. Maybe it is "n't fair." But labeling it as such won't change anything. I can either spend my time and energy wrapped up in the unfairness of it all, or I can make choices to move myself forward. I'm choosing the latter.

Pink Elephants

You know the line. It's based on a phenomenon we have all experienced. Someone says, "Don't think of pink elephants" and the only thing you can think of is pink elephants. Even worse, each time you check in with your brain to make sure you aren't thinking about them, lo and behold, you are!

This is the best way I can describe the experience of the TWW. You do everything you can to not think about it (work helps), but once you have a free minute, it's the first thing you think about. My world is full of questions. Is it working? Is that a twinge? Is cramping normal? Is the fact that I'm tired all the time an early sign or just my body being worn out from all the shots and hormones? Did I eat the right things today? Have I done anything that I shouldn't have? Did having my shot a little early/late cause any problems? What will the results be? How will I handle them? Has sharing my journey entitled others to know the results as soon as I know them, or can I take time to process them (good or bad) before sharing? Even if it's positive, can I allow myself to get excited, or should I wait until after the first trimester when the chance of miscarriage is greatly reduced?

I have obsessively Googled how long implantation takes after transfer (this varies a great deal not only depending on whether you have a day 2/3 embryo transfer or a day 4/5 blastocyst transfer, but on each individual person) and what signs I might expect (any and everything including nothing at all). The truth is, after all the Googling, I have no answers; only more questions. So I have stopped Googling and am trying to ignore my body and just go about my day. It doesn't always work, but each morning I wake up, I'm one day closer to my Beta test. I may not be free of my pink elephant, but I learned that I don't have to feed it.

A Thankful Heart

Having been on bed rest for the last two days, I have done lots of thinking (because there isn't much else to do). As I told my mother last night when she called, bed rest is torture to me. There's stuff I could be doing! Don't get me wrong. I love lounging, and could probably lounge all day without getting up if I CHOSE to. But being ORDERED to stay put is something entirely different, and my independence fights against being told that I have to. You'd have to ask Phil to be certain, but I think I've done pretty good.

Anyway, we'll start with the update. Transfer yesterday went very well. Of the 12 fertilized eggs, only 11 survived to become 4-celled embryos. Of those 11, they transferred 2 and froze 9. They also gave us a picture of the two embryos they transferred. I cannot even begin to tell you what it felt like to see them. What's more, I hadn't expected to feel like I did when it was over; knowing that they are in there--tiny potential children. It's rather mind boggling.

But the other thing that has occurred to me over the last two days is how lucky I am. I am lucky that Phil and I were able to get a loan to try IVF. I am lucky to have a job with vacation and sick leave and the ability to work at home every now and again. I am lucky to have friends and family who love and support me. I have never felt more loved and supported than I have throughout this process. Whatever the outcome of all of this, I have received an irreplaceable and invaluable gift. Whether its hugs, prayers, emails, notes on Facebook, surprise pick-me-up presents, whatever, I have received a tangible expression of love and support that I will never forget. So thank you, for all that you have given me. I am blessed and grateful.

The Eye of the Storm

Today being the day between procedures, I thought I would take a little time and reflect on things I have learned over the past few days:

1. Phil is good at giving IM shots.
2. IM shots don't hurt when you get them, but if you fail to rub them and put a heat pack on them, the injection site will be extremely sore for at least two days after the fact.
3. Changing sides every other day for IM injections only works if you remember #2.
4. Valium doesn't do much for me.
5. Versed is a great drug--when it works.
6. Retrieval is a ridiculously painful experience. (See #5).
7. I have NO intention of ever going through retrieval again. (See #5 & 6).
8. The center harvested 15 eggs, two of which were immature. Of the 13 mature eggs, 12 fertilized. So, we're in great shape for transfer tomorrow.
9. If we decide to do this again (either because we were unsuccessful or because we want siblings), #7 still stands, because #8 means there's plenty left over for a frozen cycle.
10. Tylenol does not kill pain like Aleve, but it's better than nothing.
11. You can never have too many snuggly blankets.
12. Surprise flowers (especially Iris) make any day better (Thanks, Margaret & Dale).
13. Support makes a difference, and I am extremely grateful for all of yours.