The Facts Are These...

The doctor decided I should wait one more day before triggering, so tonight was my last set of Gonal-F and Lupron injections. Tomorrow night, Phil will give me the trigger injection, which is a massive dose of HCG. Monday will be a shot-free day. Hallelujah! Tuesday will be retrieval and Thursday will be transfer. Based on my age, they will transfer two embryos. There is a 54% success rate (my doctor describes this as the "take-home baby" rate, not just a positive pregnancy test) and within that 54%, a 30% chance of twins (which calculates out to about a 15% chance of twins).

What does all this mean? Well, short term, I'm on full bed rest Thursday and Friday, post-transfer, which I plan to spend reading and sleeping. Then I enter the dreaded two-week wait (TWW), where every gas bubble and twinge gets over-analyzed and there's nothing to do but wait. I can't do any home pregnancy tests prior to 3/16 because they will register a false positive based on the HCG trigger shot. During the TWW, I have to have daily progesterone shots. On 3/16, I'll have a blood pregnancy test. If it's positive, they'll do another one two days later to determine whether the pregnancy is viable and, if so, whether it's multiples. If the blood tests are positive, I will continue doing the progesterone shots for roughly another month and then get transferred back to my OB-GYN. If they aren't positive, then Phil and I have a lot to process and think about.

So, that's where we are. Many thanks to those of you who have been and continue to support us. We'll need that (and my Feel Better Bucket) to get through these next few weeks.

Make 'Em Laugh

I am a planner. It's what I do. I like to project into the future and see if I'm on target. Anytime something changes, I reassess my plan and see what adjustments I need to make to get back on goal. They say if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. God has been getting quite a few chuckles from me recently.
I went in for my second ultrasound and blood test today. Although I had intended to keep myself in the dark, the tech took it upon herself to tell me what she was looking for, what they wanted to see, and what I had. So much for keeping myself in the dark so I wouldn't obsess. Well, I apparently have lots of follicles on both sides, and three on each side are close to the magic size (20mm in case you were wondering). So, when the nurse called me this afternoon with my plan, they kept my meds exactly the same, but I am scheduled for what is likely my last ultrasound and blood test on Saturday, and it will be at the fertility center with the doctor. Obviously, it will depend on what they see, but it looks like retrieval and transfer will happen early next week, instead of late next week. That's what I get for putting in my $.02 about only have to take two days off of work. Not that any of this will make me any less likely to plan, mind you. After all, they say laughter is good medicine. And given everything going on in the world, God probably needs a few laughs.

IVF Husband 101

As the Mrs. is going through her various medications which regulate her body so that IVF can work, she has written about finally understanding what people mean by mood swings. As her hubby, I have been a rather constant, if usually low grade, irritant to her anyway. But when her meds are working and the hormones are flowing it is important for me to maintain my equilibrium so that I don't take personally what is shot-induced so that I can be there for her and I can not add to the difficulties.

Some things I have found helpful:

1. If you have a settled routine, now is not the time to break it. I don't mean ignoring your beloved for the sake of Monday Night Football simply because you watch it every week. I mean keep to that which helps you balance your life. If you are not a "settled routine" type, now is probably not when you are going to start. Recognize what charges your batteries and what drains them and balance as best you can.

2. Invest in your spirituality. Take the time to pray. Or meditate. Or do yoga. Or drum. Or go to Men's Group at church. Or Bible Study. Or coffee with the guys. Or whatever it is that helps you reconnect beyond yourself both with other people and with God.

3. Dote, but give her space. Make sure your beloved has what she needs, and what she wants, because she is carrying the burden of bodily and emotional funkiness. This will become even more true with pregnancy. But don't hover. Be supportive by being yourself and being there for her, but recognize that she will need time for herself and time together. Knowing the difference is good.

4. Relax and recreate in healthy ways. You will need time for yourself, time to unwind, time with the guys, time to not stare at calendars and schedules and meds. You probably know the difference between healthy ways and unhealthy ways of doing this. If not, this blog won't help. Choose the healthy ones more often. Your own health will be important both in order to be around as a father, and to model it for your kids. After all, that is the point of all this.

5. Discuss your concerns, hopes, fears, anxieties, joys and all that touchy-feely stuff with your beloved. Being honest about where you are with being a parent or going through IVF will help her be honest about where she is. If both of you are harboring reservations for fear that the other will be disappointed or worried, it is going to be a rocky road. If you never tell your beloved your hopes, she may feel alone in all of this turmoil when the hormones are turning the amp up to 11. If you aren't already communicating with each other, what in the world are you going to do when a child plays divide and conquer?

6. Make your mistakes, say you are sorry, and forgive. Now is not the time for perfection. We are lousy at it under normal circumstances, and this is certainly not normal. The more forgiveness, the more connection. The more connection, the more forgiveness. Both are important for partners and for parents.

7. Love her. As naive as King Arthur was in the musical Camelot, he knew part of the right answer. When asked, "How to handle a woman?" he answered, "Love her. Simply love her. Truly love her." And tell her.

Not much new here. Most of this is about being healthy anyway. As important as it is to be stable for her during her mood swings, it is just as important to be balanced for yourself.

A Lack of Control

Things went well Monday, best I can tell. My doctor kept my meds at the same level for the next 3 days. I am scheduled for another ultrasound and blood work on Thursday morning. At Monday's visit, the ultrasound tech(nurse?) indicated that I had more than 7 follicles on my right ovary and she also found some on the left. She described them as "fair good-sized." I have refrained from asking how many I "should" have, what size they are/should be, and what my estradiol levels are/should be. The truth is, I can't do anything to change what's going on and I'm paying my doctor to know what he's doing. So, I am going to trust in the doctor and leave myself in the dark. It gives me fewer things to obsess about, and that's a good thing. But that doesn't mean it's easy for me to relinquish control.

Also in the losing control category, I've been on stims for 5 days now and I am well into the mood swings. I fly of the handle for small things or, even if it's something reasonable to be upset about, my response is way out of proportion. I haven't done much crying (although I have felt close a few times). Most of my problems stem from my temper. I am working hard to keep my stress levels down, but flying off the handle and getting angry is counter productive. The most frustrating part is that my rational mind knows I'm being unreasonable, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. I just have to ride the wave. I am getting better about saying fewer stupid things. I may be absolutely fuming, but I won't say a word until I am back under control. This is an amazing feat for me since I tend to have trouble keeping quiet about anything, but it keeps me from saying things I know I don't mean or will regret. It requires a lot fewer apologies. Needless to say, I have dipped into my bucket more frequently for candy and watched a lot more movies to make myself feel better and calm myself down, but it's definitely worth it.

Anyway, unless my body is super speedy, the most likely schedule is that I'll have ultrasounds and blood work done Thursday, Saturday and Monday, have a trigger shot on the 2nd, retrieval on the 4th and transfer on the 6th. Personally, I like this schedule because it only requires two days off of work. However, in some ways, I'd like for it to happen sooner, if only to get off stims! But, my new mantra is, it will be what it will be--both the process and the outcome. For now, I'm working on taking things a day at a time and taking pride in getting through each shot, each mood swing, each whatever. There's always a chance that, if we're successful, some of these lessons will transfer over to make me a better parent. Lord knows, once you have children, you are no longer in control. Perhaps it's better that I learn this lesson now.

The Next Phase

When we last left our story, I was impatiently waiting for a doctor's appointment to see what would happen next and when it would occur. On Tuesday, we went to the center to have an ultrasound to make sure my system was properly suppressed, I had no cysts, and everything was ready to go. They went over some test results with us and we made a plan for the stims phase. The nurse told me I would start stims on Friday (today). I am still taking Lupron (the suppression drug), but at 1/4 of the dose. For today and tomorrow, I also am taking a drug called Menopur, which is a mixture of FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone) and LH (luteinizing hormone). Finally, for the next 10-12 days, depending on how things go, I am taking Gonal-F (FSH). So, that's 3 injections today and tomorrow and then two injections per day until trigger day.

This coming Monday, I am scheduled to go in for another ultrasound and blood work to see how my body is responding to the meds. The center will then call me in the afternoon and adjust my meds (or not) based on the results. I will also be scheduled for another ultrasound and blood test later in the week. At this point, retrieval and transfer should occur sometime the first week of March. In fact, this is why they delayed starting me on stims until today. I am technically on the center's IVF schedule for March. If I had started the stims before today, the procedures would likely have been in late February. So, to keep me in the right calendar month, they extended my Lupron protocol.

Now that I've started the stims, I cannot do anything that makes me bounce to avoid a condition called ovarian torsion. I have to take stairs slowly (or use elevators), and can do no aerobics, running, jogging, elliptical, etc. I can walk, stretch, swim, or bike in moderation. I have opted for walking and have borrowed a treadmill to allow me to do that easily (and without having to be out in the cold!).

I made it through the three injections with minimal problems today. I do seem to have a strange taste in my mouth and a slight headache but, all told, things have been going much better than I expected and I have my fingers crossed that they continue to do so.

A Strange Rejoicing

An odd thing happened to me yesterday. For the first time in over two years, instead of being crushed and disappointed, I was excited, indeed I was downright jubilant, because my cycle started. The difference, as with most things in life, was context. Not only was it not a surprise, it was something I was waiting for because it meant I could start the next phase of the IVF process. It was almost torture to wait until this morning to call the center to make my appointment. But, today arrived and I called and reported my news. Now, I have an appointment for blood work and an ultrasound for tomorrow afternoon to make sure the Lupron has properly suppressed my system. Depending on the results, I could start my stimulation injections as soon as tomorrow night! Although that will mean three injections instead of one, I'm like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. Have you ever seen someone so excited they looked like they were vibrating? Well, that's about what I look like. Here's to good news tomorrow!

Feel Better Bucket

As I was doing research on IVF, one of the books I read contained some advice that I thought was very valuable. The writer, who endured something like 7(!) rounds of IVF, came up with a neat way to get through the bad days. Before she began a new cycle of IVF, she put together a box of things she loved, like lotions and bath gel, that she could use to pamper herself on days when a shot was particularly painful, or her emotions were out of control. Bad day? Make it better by pulling something from the box of goodies. Part of the brilliance of this is that stress can reduce the chances of a successful IVF cycle, so keeping stress down is super important!

I adopted this idea and created my own box, which I named my "Feel Better Bucket." I put in foot lotion, a heated aromatherapy neck wrap, books, movies, clothes, candy and all kinds of things that would make me feel better. Phil joined in the plan and pre-ordered me some books from Amazon that will show up as soon as they are published, so I'll get some random surprises in the mail of books by authors I love.

Well, today I'm dipping into my bucket. This past week was brutal. It started with an ear infection. I stayed home for two days until the fever was gone and I looked better than death warmed over. I had, however, diligently worked from home. However, come Thursday, when I went to mail myself the document, it didn't exist. Oh, there was a shortcut in my "recent documents" as proof that it had, at one time, existed. But now, it was gone! So, I went to work and talked to the tech people, who confirmed for me that it really is gone. *sigh* Then, the emotional swings with the meds started. Although, I'm generally allowed to argue with my boss (We debate until we either reach an agreement, or we agree to disagree and I write things his way since he's the boss), our office assistant informed me yesterday that she thought I might have argued a little too much on Thursday. Oops! Fortunately, they both know what's going on and were very good about everything. I am working on building a stronger filter before I say the things in mind these days, however.

Anyway, to continue, I ended up driving a friend's car on Thursday and almost ran out of gas as I was taking it back to her because the gas gauge jumps back up to full when it is empty?!?! Phil took me to the bookstore to try and make my day better and I couldn't find anything to buy! This never happens. Then, to cap off this fabulous week, I ordered my meds on Tuesday for delivery today (because you have to be home to sign for them from FedEd and Saturday is the only day I can do that). I get a call today--they're not going to be able to get them to me until Monday. I give myself full points. I did not yell and scream at the poor woman whose job it was to tell me. It was not her fault. But seriously. They offer Saturday delivery. And yet, BOTH TIMES I have had stuff sent, it has not arrived until the following Monday! Fortunately, I am anal-retentive and order things early, so I do not need the meds before then. I am, however, stressing out. So, today, I am dipping into my Feel Better Bucket and I am going to veg until late this afternoon by watching Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Here's hoping I don't need the bucket next week.

Sticking it to Myself

The day the first meds arrived was both exciting and frightening. It came with all the needles, gauze, swabs, etc necessary for use. I even have my very own sharps container. A good friend of mine came over that night with some extra needles and sterile saline for practice. We started with an orange. Very helpful to get some sense of what it's like to stick a needle through skin. Both my friend and Phil were willing to let me practice on them, but I was actually more afraid of hurting them than I was of hurting myself. So, stick two was sterile saline into my own stomach. It was surprisingly simple (after I stopped staring at my hand wondering when it was going to move). In fact, I was so surprised the needle went in that I almost pulled it back out again on the rebound. Phil then tried an IM shot with saline. Also surprisingly painless. I realize that it will be different when it's not saline, but it was a good lesson for both of us.

Next up, an actual shot. The first injections are once a day and have to be around the same time each day, sometime between 6-8 at night. The day of my first shot, Phil and I were out of state for a wedding, so I had to do it away from home. Ack! Worse, we had to leave the reception early so I could get back and still make the time frame. But, we made it back (though a snow storm), and I administered my first shot. It stung just a little and made me a little nauseated afterwords, but all told, it went really well. Gold star for me! When it came time for shot 2, I was back at home. For some reason, even having done this twice (if you count the practice shot), I still stood there with the needle only inches from my stomach and had to talk myself into moving it. My pep talk didn't go so well and I went a little slow. Turns out, you feel more when you do it slow (although it still wasn't that bad). Still had stinging and nausea, but I'd say it went well. Shot 3 occurred at a Super Bowl party. I did a lot better on the speed, but I still had to psych myself up. Again with the stinging and nausea, so now, I'll just expect that will happen each time.

As I prepare myself for tonight's shot, I am reminded of how far I've come. I will still probably stare at the needle for a little bit and psych myself up, but there was a time when I couldn't even consider doing any of this and now, I'm three shots in. I've been pushed outside of my comfort zone and discovered that I am capable of more than I thought possible. It's a great feeling and one I want to savor and remember, given everything I still have yet to get through. I feel stronger and more confident that I can get through this and, for me, that makes sticking it to myself much easier.