[Those of you who listened to pop music in the 80's probably now have a song cootie stuck in your head. You're welcome :)]
Although I've been somewhat quiet on the IVF front, recently, we've actually been doing a lot behind the scenes. Now that we've made some decisions, I thought I would share those with you.
First, we spent the last month or two talking about how many embryos we wanted to use. We talked about using three since this was our last round and we wanted to increase our chances of a "take home baby" (as opposed to simply achieving pregnancy). We spoke with our doctor and he calculated that the increased risk of multiples was 4-5% and the increased chance of success was 5-10%. So--the increased success rate was greater than the increased risk. He had no objections to our using three. The choice was up to us. We prayed, thought, and talked about it for a while and we both reached the same place. We don't think we can handle three. Although the risk is small, there's no fraction of a kid. If we hit the jackpot, we come home with triplets. We agreed that twins would be tricky, but are willing to take that risk because both previous cycles we used two embryos and only one implanted. Obviously, there's still a chance of triplets, even with two--one or both could split into identicals. But, that chance is extremely slim. Like, lightning bolt thin. Certainly, much slimmer than the risk of multiples when transferring three embryos. More important, we both still believe that we'll get what we're supposed to have. If we really trust that, we'll stick with the regular plan. Changing things up now really feels like inviting trouble. So, we both agreed to stick with two.
Second, we agreed to go ahead with this round. I can hear you now--"That's not news." Well, actually, it is. Although we previously agreed to one more cycle several months ago, we decided that it would be a good idea, now that the time is upon us, to reconsider our decision and see if that was still where we were, rather than just move forward because of the momentum of a choice previously made. I wanted to honor any second thoughts either of us was having. It's much easier not to start a cycle than stop it, and we certainly couldn't return a baby. So, this was the time to decide whether we still wanted to go forward. We know it's going to be hard. We know everything about our lives will change again if we're successful. But, there's so much that we want for ourselves and Lil' Bit that just doesn't happen without another child. So, we've reaffirmed our decision to move forward.
That brings us to today. Today is day 1 of the pre-procedure month. Twenty days from now, I will take the first of my last rounds of shots. This is it! The countdown to our final attempt. The countdown toward change. The countdown toward shots! The countdown for our last ride on the roller coaster. After this, the park closes and we go home. It's joyful and sad all at the same time. I am nervous, anxious, excited! I can't wait to find out what's going to happen. But, as we move through the corrals, listening to the shrieks and cries of those already on the ride, waiting for our turn to board, I want to take time and wish luck to all those in line with us--whether in front or behind. None of us knows how this will turn out. Just know that I hope for your success and I wish you joy and happiness no matter what the outcome. If you need it, you will always have a friend here on the ground who has been there, who knows what it's like, and who sends you love and comfort. Here's to you, wherever you are in your journey. And here's to me, as I set out on a final ride.
7.30.2012
7.20.2012
Tread Carefully; It's Not Just Making Small Talk
People are nosy. I get that. We want to know what's going on in other people's lives. There are limits, though. We, as a society, have some generalized ground rules about where the boundaries are. For example, most people find it inappropriate to walk up to one another and say, "Hey, how much do you earn at your job?" Similarly, health issues are generally off-limits. And, with the exception of procreation-related exceptions, people's sex life is generally off the table. It's those procreation-related exceptions I want to talk about today. Excuse me whilst I step up onto my soapbox.
For starters, the following questions (and any variants thereof) are not appropriate and should not be asked by anyone other than a VERY close friend or relative and maybe not even then. Why? Because although it seems like a harmless question to you, it may bring up all kinds of nightmares for the other person. You won't intend to, but it will happen all the same. Furthermore, their answer might require them to reveal far more about themselves than you or they want. So, quite simply, follow two simple rules: Don't Assume. Don't Ask.
1) Are you planning to have kids? When are you going to have kids? Why don't you have kids?
2) Are you going to have any more kids? Is this your only one?
3) Are you going to try for a boy/girl?
4) Now that you have one of each, are you done?
5) Aren't you done having kids yet? Don't you think you're stretched a little thin? Are all of those yours?
Underlying each of these questions is an assumption that we need to get rid of.
The first is our belief that any of this is our business. It's not. Just as you don't have any say in the choice of job, house, food, clothes, or voting habits of anyone else, you don't have any say in the whether or how many children a couple has. And, it's not just making polite conversation. It's nosy and intrusive. Whether and how many children someone has is personal, intimate, and potentially involves religious beliefs and medical issues. Unless they offer, you don't ask.
The second is that everyone who is married is planning to have kids. They are not. So asking if/when they are planning to have them is inserting yourself into the couple's private decisions. Butt out. Besides, they may be struggling with infertility and your question will only rip open that gaping wound and make them feel more inadequate than they already do. So, don't.
The third is that anyone without kids didn't want them. Infertility prevents many couples from ever having children. Although infertility treatments and adoption can provide solutions for some couples, neither is a guarantee, and either or both can be cost prohibitive.
The fourth is that everyone who is pregnant is happy and wants to share. We all know there are unplanned pregnancies, pregnancies from incest or rape, and otherwise difficult pregnancies. There are also women who are gestational carriers. Asking intrusive questions about the due date, gender, and whether it was an accident is simply not appropriate. If they volunteer in some manner that let's you know it's okay, that's different. But don't be the one to bring it up.
The fifth is that there is something wrong with choosing to stop at one child. If a parent feels financially, physically, or mentally overwhelmed by one child, we should give them props that they recognized that and stopped after one rather than getting in way over their heads with more. Just because you felt the same way and managed to make it work when more came along is irrelevant. They aren't you. They are making the best decision they know how for themselves. Let them and leave them the heck alone.
The sixth is that somehow two is the perfect number of children, particularly if you have one boy and one girl. Electing to have more than two is, again, a choice left up to the parents. You have no say. Along these same lines, whether parents stop at 3, 4, 5, or more is also none of your business. Maybe they have religious objections to birth control. Maybe they just love children. I don't care if you are witnessing them in a situation where they are overwhelmed. It doesn't give you license to question their decision. Perhaps it's just a bad day. The point is, you don't know, so don't assume that you do and make remarks based on those assumptions.
The seventh is that parents deep down really want a boy and a girl. I have many friends and relatives who have 2 or 3 kids who are all the same sex. And every last one of them will tell you that they do not love their children any more or any less because they are boys/girls. However, if a couple decides to keep having kids until they do get a particular gendered child, so what. Again, none of your business.
The eighth is related to the fifth--that people chose to stop at x number of children. Maybe they did. But, maybe, they tried everything they could to have more and it never worked. I know of someone who wanted four children, but infertility struck after the third. It's not that she didn't love the children she had, but she felt incomplete. It's the same for people who wanted two only got one, or who wanted one never got any. Just because someone has a child, or two, or three, or whatever, doesn't mean that infertility and miscarriage don't affect them. So don't assume that a couple knowingly chose to have x-number of children.
The ninth is that choosing to have kids, working to have kids, and raising kids is the same for everyone. It's not. Whether a couple that never wanted children discovers they are pregnant and must choose whether to give the child up for adoption; or a couple that easily got pregnant with their first suffers from infertility and never manages to have a second; or a couple has five children because they have religious objections to birth control; or a couple undergoes IVF and has triplets; or, or, or, or, or, the circumstances that cause them to become, or not become, parents are different and every couple has to make its own choices based on their backgrounds and their lives. It's not your life, so it's not your choice. Unless they ask you what you would do/did, don't volunteer it. It doesn't matter.
From my perspective, there's only one assumption we all should make. Unless we are invited into the conversation by the couple, we need to assume that it is none of our business and not ask any questions. And, if they do invite us in, we need to tread carefully, watch out for our assumptions, and think before we open our mouths.
For starters, the following questions (and any variants thereof) are not appropriate and should not be asked by anyone other than a VERY close friend or relative and maybe not even then. Why? Because although it seems like a harmless question to you, it may bring up all kinds of nightmares for the other person. You won't intend to, but it will happen all the same. Furthermore, their answer might require them to reveal far more about themselves than you or they want. So, quite simply, follow two simple rules: Don't Assume. Don't Ask.
1) Are you planning to have kids? When are you going to have kids? Why don't you have kids?
2) Are you going to have any more kids? Is this your only one?
3) Are you going to try for a boy/girl?
4) Now that you have one of each, are you done?
5) Aren't you done having kids yet? Don't you think you're stretched a little thin? Are all of those yours?
Underlying each of these questions is an assumption that we need to get rid of.
The first is our belief that any of this is our business. It's not. Just as you don't have any say in the choice of job, house, food, clothes, or voting habits of anyone else, you don't have any say in the whether or how many children a couple has. And, it's not just making polite conversation. It's nosy and intrusive. Whether and how many children someone has is personal, intimate, and potentially involves religious beliefs and medical issues. Unless they offer, you don't ask.
The second is that everyone who is married is planning to have kids. They are not. So asking if/when they are planning to have them is inserting yourself into the couple's private decisions. Butt out. Besides, they may be struggling with infertility and your question will only rip open that gaping wound and make them feel more inadequate than they already do. So, don't.
The third is that anyone without kids didn't want them. Infertility prevents many couples from ever having children. Although infertility treatments and adoption can provide solutions for some couples, neither is a guarantee, and either or both can be cost prohibitive.
The fourth is that everyone who is pregnant is happy and wants to share. We all know there are unplanned pregnancies, pregnancies from incest or rape, and otherwise difficult pregnancies. There are also women who are gestational carriers. Asking intrusive questions about the due date, gender, and whether it was an accident is simply not appropriate. If they volunteer in some manner that let's you know it's okay, that's different. But don't be the one to bring it up.
The fifth is that there is something wrong with choosing to stop at one child. If a parent feels financially, physically, or mentally overwhelmed by one child, we should give them props that they recognized that and stopped after one rather than getting in way over their heads with more. Just because you felt the same way and managed to make it work when more came along is irrelevant. They aren't you. They are making the best decision they know how for themselves. Let them and leave them the heck alone.
The sixth is that somehow two is the perfect number of children, particularly if you have one boy and one girl. Electing to have more than two is, again, a choice left up to the parents. You have no say. Along these same lines, whether parents stop at 3, 4, 5, or more is also none of your business. Maybe they have religious objections to birth control. Maybe they just love children. I don't care if you are witnessing them in a situation where they are overwhelmed. It doesn't give you license to question their decision. Perhaps it's just a bad day. The point is, you don't know, so don't assume that you do and make remarks based on those assumptions.
The seventh is that parents deep down really want a boy and a girl. I have many friends and relatives who have 2 or 3 kids who are all the same sex. And every last one of them will tell you that they do not love their children any more or any less because they are boys/girls. However, if a couple decides to keep having kids until they do get a particular gendered child, so what. Again, none of your business.
The eighth is related to the fifth--that people chose to stop at x number of children. Maybe they did. But, maybe, they tried everything they could to have more and it never worked. I know of someone who wanted four children, but infertility struck after the third. It's not that she didn't love the children she had, but she felt incomplete. It's the same for people who wanted two only got one, or who wanted one never got any. Just because someone has a child, or two, or three, or whatever, doesn't mean that infertility and miscarriage don't affect them. So don't assume that a couple knowingly chose to have x-number of children.
The ninth is that choosing to have kids, working to have kids, and raising kids is the same for everyone. It's not. Whether a couple that never wanted children discovers they are pregnant and must choose whether to give the child up for adoption; or a couple that easily got pregnant with their first suffers from infertility and never manages to have a second; or a couple has five children because they have religious objections to birth control; or a couple undergoes IVF and has triplets; or, or, or, or, or, the circumstances that cause them to become, or not become, parents are different and every couple has to make its own choices based on their backgrounds and their lives. It's not your life, so it's not your choice. Unless they ask you what you would do/did, don't volunteer it. It doesn't matter.
From my perspective, there's only one assumption we all should make. Unless we are invited into the conversation by the couple, we need to assume that it is none of our business and not ask any questions. And, if they do invite us in, we need to tread carefully, watch out for our assumptions, and think before we open our mouths.
7.15.2012
Adaptation or Rule Breaking
I think we've all done it. Whether we ultimately have children or not, at some point, we have seen a parent doing something or hear of someone's parenting technique and we say, "Wow. If I have kids, I will never" fill in the blank. Then, for those who become parents, chances are good we will encounter a situation as a parent where we violate that rule we made while so fervently judging that other parent.
The first "I will never" I remember violating is letting Lil' Bit have a pacifier. Granted, I didn't get much choice in the matter. When she was whisked away to the nursery because she wasn't breathing well and they elected to give her one, I decided I was not going to fight it. It made her happy and thousands of well-adjusted people had them. Besides, I was not going to make her scream by taking it away. And so it was that I broke my "I would never" number 2--I will never do something just to make my kid quiet. This has probably been my biggest rule violation and it has come in many forms. As Bill Cosby said, "Parents aren't interested in justice. They are interested in peace and quiet." And so we are. That doesn't mean that I will give my child anything to make her quiet. When I tell her "no" and she gets upset, I am more than willing to let her be upset than give in to a tantrum. But, as I mentioned in my most recent vacation post, I will give her an iPad to try and keep her happy in the car. That action also broke the "I will never have a DVD player in my car." Although technically I have not violated this rule, let's be honest, iPads are essentially this generation's in-car-DVD system. So, I own that as a third rule violation.
I also quickly violated the "I will never have my child watch any television before she's 2." Ha! While I try very hard to make sure she plays outside or inside with toys, and she gets exposed to music and all types of things, I was living a lie if I thought I was going to keep her tv free. I remember when I first got her home and we were doing that loving, cuddling, bondy thing. She slept often. And although I knew I needed to nap, I couldn't. But I unwilling to put my baby down either. She was only going to be small once and I wanted to snuggle the snot out of her while I could. So, what's a bored woman with insomnia going to do while holding a sleeping child--watch television apparently. But, I reasoned with myself, she's not watching it; she's asleep. And, I tried to be more careful when she was awake. But, time went by, life got in the way, and, let's be honest, I got lazy, and now she's hooked on Phineas and Ferb and Sesame Street. Still, there are worse things.
I have been thinking about these rule violations recently and I decided that, for me, the goal is to be aware when I do it, know why I do it, and to limit it appropriately as best I can. But it also made me wonder. Given that all parenting is trial and error and on-the-job training, am I simply adapting to reality whereas my rules were made when I had no idea how parenting actually worked, or am I rule-breaking? As with most things, I decided it was neither fully one or the other. In large part, I made the rule pronouncements without any concept of the realities of parenting. That does not mean the rules were unachievable. I know of parents who made similar rules and managed to keep them. I think the point, though, is to figure out why I made the pronouncement I did. Why did I think x behavior was bad and want to avoid it with my child? I also needed to admit to myself why I was breaking the rule/changing my mind. And, at least for me, as long as I am honest with myself about why I have changed my position, I don't beat myself up. I know that I'm doing the best I can and learning as I go. And kudos to the parents who manage to not break their rules, particularly now that I know how hard that is. Also, I am way easier on the in-my-head judgments I make about parents I see out and about these days. Before I had kids, I knew everything. Now that I have one, I am discovering vast realms of knowledge I didn't even know existed. So, I cut myself a little slack; acknowledge that I probably rushed to judgment in my youth; and move on to the job ahead of me--Being the adult I want Lil' Bit to grow up to be. That, to me, is the simplest, but most important rule for me to follow.
The first "I will never" I remember violating is letting Lil' Bit have a pacifier. Granted, I didn't get much choice in the matter. When she was whisked away to the nursery because she wasn't breathing well and they elected to give her one, I decided I was not going to fight it. It made her happy and thousands of well-adjusted people had them. Besides, I was not going to make her scream by taking it away. And so it was that I broke my "I would never" number 2--I will never do something just to make my kid quiet. This has probably been my biggest rule violation and it has come in many forms. As Bill Cosby said, "Parents aren't interested in justice. They are interested in peace and quiet." And so we are. That doesn't mean that I will give my child anything to make her quiet. When I tell her "no" and she gets upset, I am more than willing to let her be upset than give in to a tantrum. But, as I mentioned in my most recent vacation post, I will give her an iPad to try and keep her happy in the car. That action also broke the "I will never have a DVD player in my car." Although technically I have not violated this rule, let's be honest, iPads are essentially this generation's in-car-DVD system. So, I own that as a third rule violation.
I also quickly violated the "I will never have my child watch any television before she's 2." Ha! While I try very hard to make sure she plays outside or inside with toys, and she gets exposed to music and all types of things, I was living a lie if I thought I was going to keep her tv free. I remember when I first got her home and we were doing that loving, cuddling, bondy thing. She slept often. And although I knew I needed to nap, I couldn't. But I unwilling to put my baby down either. She was only going to be small once and I wanted to snuggle the snot out of her while I could. So, what's a bored woman with insomnia going to do while holding a sleeping child--watch television apparently. But, I reasoned with myself, she's not watching it; she's asleep. And, I tried to be more careful when she was awake. But, time went by, life got in the way, and, let's be honest, I got lazy, and now she's hooked on Phineas and Ferb and Sesame Street. Still, there are worse things.
I have been thinking about these rule violations recently and I decided that, for me, the goal is to be aware when I do it, know why I do it, and to limit it appropriately as best I can. But it also made me wonder. Given that all parenting is trial and error and on-the-job training, am I simply adapting to reality whereas my rules were made when I had no idea how parenting actually worked, or am I rule-breaking? As with most things, I decided it was neither fully one or the other. In large part, I made the rule pronouncements without any concept of the realities of parenting. That does not mean the rules were unachievable. I know of parents who made similar rules and managed to keep them. I think the point, though, is to figure out why I made the pronouncement I did. Why did I think x behavior was bad and want to avoid it with my child? I also needed to admit to myself why I was breaking the rule/changing my mind. And, at least for me, as long as I am honest with myself about why I have changed my position, I don't beat myself up. I know that I'm doing the best I can and learning as I go. And kudos to the parents who manage to not break their rules, particularly now that I know how hard that is. Also, I am way easier on the in-my-head judgments I make about parents I see out and about these days. Before I had kids, I knew everything. Now that I have one, I am discovering vast realms of knowledge I didn't even know existed. So, I cut myself a little slack; acknowledge that I probably rushed to judgment in my youth; and move on to the job ahead of me--Being the adult I want Lil' Bit to grow up to be. That, to me, is the simplest, but most important rule for me to follow.
7.07.2012
Lessons from Tennessee
Having returned from another trip, it is time for another episode of "Lessons from..." Today's lessons come from lovely, but sweltering, Tennessee.
1. I should have believed everyone who said traveling with a baby is easier. Yes, it's hard to travel with a lump who needs all of your time. But, those lumps sleep most of the trip and have no concept of being in a car seat. In fact, they probably feel all snuggled up in the seat and don't care that it's not your lap. As long as you slap some food in when they are hungry and change a diaper here and there, you are good to go. Toddlers, on the other hand, need entertaining. They want out. They will scream at you when they don't get what they want. They will refuse to nap even though they are tired. Yup. Traveling with a baby was so much easier. Wish I had listened to "them."
2. Trips/vacations aren't nearly as much fun with a clingy, needy child who only wants me. Here we were, with literally dozens of people, adults and children alike, dying for the chance to hug and entertain my child, but all she would do is scream bloody murder whenever I put her down, let alone left eyesight. Even her daddy is chopped liver these days. Back before we had kids, when my sister-in-law told me having kids would mean I would never get to use the bathroom alone again, I never dreamed it would mean holding my child on my lap and reading her a story while I went about my business. I know that someday I will yearn for my child to want me as much as she does now, but that doesn't stop me from being frustrated that I can't get a single moment to myself or even get simple chores done.
3. iPads are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Between downloading episodes of Phineas & Ferb for my child to watch, cute Fisher Price Apps she can play with, books she can flip through, and the general ability to open mommy's apps and flip the screen around, it kept her occupied when nothing else would work. I know I said I would never be one of "those" parents who let their child under 2 watch television, let alone let said child play with my telephone or iPad, but that was before I knew how wonderful it was to have a way to stop my child from shrieking during an hour-long traffic back-up because part of I-75 has slid down the side of a mountain.
4. Never assume that I know what my child likes. My child loves to play in the tub. Loves it so much she will squeal if we take her from the tub before she is done. So, imagine my surprise that she does not like splashing in a pool, a river, or a water park. Nothing like dropping beaucoup bucks to go to Dollywood Splash Country only to spend most of the day sitting under the canopy waiting to see what other people had fun doing. At least we had the canopy!
5. My daughter is a flirt. On our third attempt to take Lil' Bit into the kiddie pool for a little dip, she spotted a chubby 9-month-old little boy. Suddenly, she was willing to not only stand in the water, but walk over to him and smile and grin and burble nonsense. She waved and blew kisses and was positively, disgustingly cute. All for a little boy. Once we left his range, however, it was time to leave. She was having no more of that water stuff, thank you very much. *sigh* It's going to be a long 18 years.
6. Cousins are great. The few times Lil' Bit deigned to leave me, she was playing with her older cousins, aged 6, 8 and 9. They managed to help her learn to walk up and down stairs using the handrail. Although she's not perfect, she's way closer to being able to navigate stairs on her own in the upright position, not just crawling. When did she get so big?! *sniffle* But, my point is, these were things I had tried to do with her, but she was unwilling to learn. However, when it was her cousins, it was different, and she was more than willing to do it for them. More proof, if I need it, that I need a village to raise my child.
7. Don't get attached to clothing. For the short period that I did manage to get Lil' Bit into the river for some play time, she managed to lose a flip-flop which was quickly caught by the current and rushed away long before I even realized it was gone. Bye-bye ladybug flip-flop. Now I must find a way to remove the other beloved shoe from my daughter's foot and make it disappear so that she forgets she ever owned them.
8. I have to relinquish control of some of Lil' Bit's clothing choices. We inherited a cute little Dora the Explorer sundress (size 3T which currently FITS, but that's for another post). The moment Lil' Bit saw it, she was over the moon. Apparently they watch Dora at daycare. Whenever she sees the dress, picks it up and holds it out and pulls at the clothes she is wearing to let me know she wants to be changed into the dress. If it is in the laundry bin, she will pull it out. She doesn't care that it's dirty. Dirty has no meaning to her. She just wants Dora. Other times, she'll see what I have selected and fight me or yell "no" when I try to dress her. She wants something else. Most days, she still goes with the flow, but I can see the writing on the wall. I may get to buy the clothes, but she's going to be picking what she wears from here on out.
9. Clean up on aisle 5. My daughter will not let me hold the cereal bowl for her. She will shriek at me because she can do it herself. But, when she dumps it all in her lap, she will just as quickly shriek at me to clean it up because it is cold and wet. Thank goodness my parents have a dog that will Hoover the carpet of things like corn and hamburger.
10. I can do this. Ever since Lil' Bit got placed on her meds, we haven't done much traveling. We did some at Christmas and we went to Chicago for the wedding, but otherwise we have been homebodies. I have recognized that part of it is that I hate having to try and pack everything we'll need and worry about being gone over med-time. However, I have taken more outings during the weekends and have been getting more comfortable with figuring out how to do things with Lil' Bit's needs. This trip, we traveled from Michigan to Indiana, to Tennessee, to another place in Tennessee, back to Indiana, and back to Michigan over the course of a week. We got Lil' Bit properly and timely medicated every day, got her to eat fairly well, sometimes even nutritiously, didn't break her sleep schedule too much, and even had some enjoyable moments with both our families. Although there were some rough patches, we returned home with 30 fingers and 30 toes still attached. That's a win in this house.
As always, it will take several weeks to recover from our "vacation," but it was great to see so much of the family and get to introduce Lil' Bit to many of them for the first time. It's great to be home, but this trip certainly helped me be less anxious about our next week-long trip--a trip which will likely require me to pack meds of my own :) But that's also for another time.
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