Holiday Frustrations and Discernments

Traveling over the holidays this year has been more difficult than usual. On the plus side, Lil' Bit met her namesake again and the unseasonably warm weather made driving less treacherous.  We also got a chance to go to the movies while Nana watched Lil' Bit; something we haven't done in a while.  Still, this has to be one of the most difficult holiday travels:

-We spent 30 minutes in a gas station bathroom changing and washing Lil' Bit and the car seat after she turned into a volcano of vomit.  We then purchased an air freshner to prevent me, a sympathetic barfer, from making it worse, but the combo of the two smells gave me a massive headache which caused severe nausea.

-My contacts tore, my back-up glasses broke, and the lenses my doctor's office sent by mail to Tennessee did not arrive before we left.  Complete vision fail!

-We got stuck for 2 hours on the Interstate behind an 8-car pile-up with car fire, with a screaming toddler who refused to nap or be placated with her toys, making us late to our destination and requiring us to keep said screaming, tired toddler awake even longer to get her last two med doses in because we missed them due to the whole lateness thing and the two meds have to be given an hour apart.

Had you asked me last year, I would never have said that traveling with a 1-month-old would be easier than a 13-month-old, but it was.  It also occurred to me that if we have another child, I won't be abe to sit in back and feed and play with the kids; we'll have to stop a lot more frequently.  Needless to say, most of this trip fell heavily into the "only child" side of the baby equation.  And yet, I can't help myself.  I still want another one.  I cannot explain or rationalize it.  I have moments when I'm uncertain I can handle the one I have, but it doesn't change how I feel.  However, because it is not just my decision, we are still discussing.  And, in case you wondered what else might fall in the mix, I present you with two such thoughts:

1). Why are we having additional children? It needs to be because we want that child, not because we want a sibling for Lil' Bit, or a child to take attention away from Lil' Bit's issues.  So, can we honestly say it's about wanting another child for that child's sake?

2). If we don't do a February procedure, we likely won't do it before May (March means a due date around Lil' Bit's birthday and April means an Easter procedure and Christmas delivery, which is a definite no).  If we do a February procedure, we are setting ourselves up to deal with all of Lil' Bit's 1-year surgical follow-up visits and procedures with a newborn in tow.  Is that really a good idea?

The most difficult thing about this decision is that every day I have experiences that land heavily on one side or the other.  Very few days are neutral.  It's almost never a good idea to make decisions when under stress, but once you are a parent, ALL decisions are made that way.  If I pick a rough day to decide, Lil' Bit will be an only child.  If I pick a good day, I might believe my coping skills are better than they really are.  What if decision day is a good day for one of us, but not the other?   Ultimately, how can I trust the final decision we make, no matter which way we decide? 

And yet, anything less than a complete "yes" really has to be treated as a "no."  Otherwise, we're short-changing ourselves, our marriage, Lil' Bit, and the children-to-be-named-later.  It's not the answer I want, but it's the only one that seems to make any sense.   So, we continue to talk, to wait, and to discern.  And if we miss February, then we miss it.  And that hurts.  Just typing those words hurts, so deep is my emotional ache for another pregnancy; another child.   I want it now.  I want it already.  I want it yesterday.  But, I must remember the wisdom of the Rolling Stones.  I may not get what I want, but hopefully, I'll get what I need.  I just wish I knew what that was.

The Power of Routine

Last week, one of my friends at work noted that we must be getting into the groove with Lil' Bit's meds because I seemed much calmer.  I suppose that's true, although I don't feel particularly calm most days.  Glad I can still fake it :)  Anyway, her statement made me think.  There is something to the power of routine.  It's how we sleep-train kids-Bath, Jammies, Book, Bedtime.  Each night, once the routine occurs, they learn to expect what happens next--lights out, door closed, sleep time.  So, even though interrupting our day 6 times for mediation still is frustrating, as is waiting the additional 20 minutes each time to make sure the dose takes, we're much better at it.  We have something that resembles a routine and it has made life simpler.  That is not to say life has been anything close to simple.  All of this craziness on top of Advent was bound to be problematic--and it has been.  But we have managed to stay married and not to kill each other or lose any fingers or toes.  All in all, I think we're doing well.

In the process of working on things, we had a fascinating discussion last night as we were contemplating whether we were going to go forward with another IVF cycle.  Yes, dear readers, the lack of posts about shots and prep is not because we're being quiet this time around.  It's because we postponed it.  Knowing that stress is such a huge factor in whether a cycle is successful, and both of us feeling that we were in way over our heads, we called the center and pushed our cycle out one month, with the option to push it back further, if necessary.  We are now figuring out whether we are willing to go ahead this month, or wait a while longer, or do it at all.  In that vein, we wanted to wait until Lil' Bit had her follow-up appointment with her pulmonary hypertension specialist yesterday.

Before we get back to the fascinating baby conversation, take another quick detour with me as I summarize where we stand with Lil' Bit's treatment:

1)  We can finally stop one of her three meds (after weaning for 1 week).  Hooray!  Happy dance!  *Insert other related excitement responses here*

2)  Her two other meds are still 2 and 4 times a day, respectively, and can't be within an hour of each other.  So, meds still 6X per day.  Boo!

3)  Her pressures did not go down, but they also did not go up.  *Insert neutral response here*

4)  Her condition is likely chronic, but that doesn't mean she won't get off the meds.  There are generally no concerns for children with pressures where hers are currently, but they want to keep her on the meds for about a year to see if the pressures will go down further.  *Neutral response, maybe slightly positive*

5)  She doesn't need to go back to the doctor for 3 months and won't have to have a heart cath for probably a year!  Yay!!!! *repeat*

6)  She still has to have monthly blood tests for one of her meds.  Boo!!  *repeat*

7)  She can go back to daycare in January!  Woo freakin' who!!!  [This is, truly, what will save our lives!  As a brief aside--a giant thank-you to those ladies who have come to watch Lil' Bit at our house so I could go back to work!!!]

In sum, still lots to do, but generally good news.  Lil' Bit it doing great.  In fact, you would think she's on speed with all the extra energy she now has, which is, apparently, fairly common in children who undergo heart surgery.

We return, now, to last night's baby conversation.  *Spoiler alert*  We still haven't decided where we are.  But in the process of talking about it, something interesting came up.  Phil was talking about how difficult it had been to interrupt his day to have to come home and give Lil' Bit meds at various times.  We discovered that he was experiencing something akin to the frustration I had felt when I had to do all the pumping.  Before I moved to a 4 or even 3-a-day schedule, I had been pumping 6 times a day, roughly every 4 hours.  Count 45 minutes for prep and pumping and another 15 for clean up, and it honestly felt like all I did was pump.  I would just get started on something else when I would have to go back and pump.  Likewise, Phil would get started on a project and suddenly discover that he had to run home and medicate Lil' Bit.  5 minutes of driving, 10 minutes of prep, 5 minutes of feeding meds (if lucky), 20 minutes of waiting to see if they took, 5 minutes driving back and *poof* he was losing multiple hours each day.  In the midst of this discussion, we both became more cognizant of the toll things were taking on us.  He had a better understanding of how difficult pumping had been, and I had a better understanding of how coming home to give meds was affecting him.  And we both became aware that it was the disruption to our routine that was causing so much stress.  As we talked about what it would mean to have Lil' Bit back in daycare so that much of our routine could return, we began to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Routine, it turns out, is important for more than getting babies to sleep.

Ultimately, it was a good and important moment in the conversation because we were both reminded that stress, frustration, and lack of sleep are mutual enemies, against which we must present a united front.  By recognizing that we are both "done," we are much better out being less snippy and not taking our stress out on the other person.  Don't get me wrong, we're far from perfect, but I think we're doing a pretty good job.

In any event, here we are.  No decisions on a second child and still somewhat stressed by the first.  But things are improving, and time is passing, and we're getting settled into a routine.  Which begs the question--do we really want to wreck our new routine when we're just figuring it out?  Stay tuned, dear readers, to find out if we're crazy enough to attempt it.