It's been a rough few days since the news from the fetal echocardiogram. We have been struggling to regain our bearings; find our footing. We have spent a lot of time thinking and talking. As we did, one of the seemingly unrelated thoughts that came to me in the quiet hours was that I had caused my miscarriage with Oliver. I remember clearly being in the shower one morning after discovering we were pregnant and thinking, "I am excited you're here, but I'm not capable of dealing with another child with a heart problem." Shortly thereafter, we lost him. I remember having a similar thought when we were trying again last October. "I can't deal with any more problems, so if you're going to have issues, please don't come." Did my thoughts cause the miscarriage and the failure in October? As a friend of mine said, "You are not that powerful." She's probably right. But the amazing part about the thought of me having caused those disappointments was that I didn't feel guilty. Let's assume I did cause them. I honestly meant the thoughts when I had them. I was in no position to deal with another child with heart issues either of those times. When we went forward this time, we were both clear that we were willing to take whatever we got--problems and all. Remembering that has made coping a little easier. But more amazing was that, as I processed these thoughts, I finally felt at peace with my miscarriage. I'm fairly certain that I did not expect the news that Jellybean has a heart defect to bring acceptance of Oliver's miscarriage. Then again, we often don't know what form blessings will come in. And, right now, I'll take any blessings I can get.
At the same time, we are still struggling with the news. In one conversation, I indicated that I was having trouble investing. The statement was nieve. I was already invested. Still, my brain was trying to protect me. As we talked, we realized that we needed to be invested. The only way to fight for Jellybean was to be invested. And the best way to be more invested, was to give Jellybean a name. So, that's where we are. Figuring out Jellybean's name. Getting invested.
Our next fetal echocardiogram is scheduled for next month. They are waiting for Jellybean to get bigger because it will be easier to see the heart. It's hard to wait that long, but it gives us some time. Time to choose a name for Jellybean. Time to grieve the loss of the perfect child we hoped for. Time to accept the perfect child that Jellybean is.
6.19.2013
A Not Entirely Unexpected Complication
Today we went in for a fetal echocardiogram to check out Jellybean's heart. Turns out it was a good thing we did. Looks like he (it's a boy!) has some issues, including a VSD. What the doc saw could be any number of things, so we don't have an official diagnosis. Instead, I have to go to Detroit for more tests sometime in the next few weeks. They will get more and better pictures (not sure how), and come up with an official diagnosis. The doc today did say that she thinks Jellybean will need surgery shortly after birth--not with hours, but within the first week. Because of that, she thought it might be better for me to birth at the Detroit hospital. Obviously, we have lots more testing and follow-up before we reach this point, but this adds way more degrees of difficulty to the delivery. On the plus side, she didn't think it was anything that would require early delivery or a C-section. That is, she thinks Jellybean can tolerate labor and delivery. So, that's good news.
The doc today is contacting Lil' Bit's pediatric cardiologist, in part because that's who Jellybean will see after birth, but also because Dr. S is affiliated with Detroit. The doc today is affiliated with UofM, but we are more comfortable dealing with Detroit since we already know the folks there. Dr. S is going to work on the fetal referral process to get me on the schedule for the additional testing. As we go along, I will likely have OB visits with my regular OB, my high-risk OB, and a new OB in Detroit so I will be familiar with them before delivery.
All of this news is frightening, frustrating, and overwhelming. However, I have some small semblance of calm in that I know how some of this works because of Lil Bit's surgery. This time, we know the surgeons, we know the hospital, we know the area, etc. We also have the benefit of knowing early, rather than finding out 6 months in, so we can prepare (Read--plan!!! Always look on the brightside, right?) Still, I had been hoping and praying the Jellybean would be "normal." Instead, it looks like he is already trying to outdo his sister. This sibling rivalry thing sure starts early!
So, to sum up: We know there's something wrong, but we're not sure what. We should find out soon, but we don't know when. There will be lots of planning required, but nothing I can do yet. And I'm not supposed to stress. Yeah. Good luck with that.
The doc today is contacting Lil' Bit's pediatric cardiologist, in part because that's who Jellybean will see after birth, but also because Dr. S is affiliated with Detroit. The doc today is affiliated with UofM, but we are more comfortable dealing with Detroit since we already know the folks there. Dr. S is going to work on the fetal referral process to get me on the schedule for the additional testing. As we go along, I will likely have OB visits with my regular OB, my high-risk OB, and a new OB in Detroit so I will be familiar with them before delivery.
All of this news is frightening, frustrating, and overwhelming. However, I have some small semblance of calm in that I know how some of this works because of Lil Bit's surgery. This time, we know the surgeons, we know the hospital, we know the area, etc. We also have the benefit of knowing early, rather than finding out 6 months in, so we can prepare (Read--plan!!! Always look on the brightside, right?) Still, I had been hoping and praying the Jellybean would be "normal." Instead, it looks like he is already trying to outdo his sister. This sibling rivalry thing sure starts early!
So, to sum up: We know there's something wrong, but we're not sure what. We should find out soon, but we don't know when. There will be lots of planning required, but nothing I can do yet. And I'm not supposed to stress. Yeah. Good luck with that.
6.03.2013
Facing Infertility in a Facebook World
I had hoped to post this during National Infertility Awareness Week (April 21-27, 2013), but life got in the way. Still, as many of my friends are giving birth and populating my Facebook newsfeed with adorable newborn pictures, and with me headed for the big anatomy ultrasound, I wanted to talk a little about what it was like for me on the other side of the feed.
When I got pregnant with Lil' Bit, I was so excited. As did many of my friends, I changed my profile picture to an ultrasound image and was generally obnoxious as only pregnant women (particularly those of us who worked so darn hard to get that way) can be. I justified it because I had EARNED it. I don't know that I thought much about those on the receiving end of my posts--those who were happy for me, but for whom each of my posts was a reminder of what they had not yet been able to achieve.
Fast-forward to the past year, where I was faced once again with my infertility as I struggled with miscarriage and a failed FET. As I chronicled here and here, I struggled as my newsfeed filled with friends' news of pregnancy and ultrasound pictures. It hurt to see others getting what I wanted while I was being denied what I worked so hard and paid so much to achieve. Even after I got the positive result from this pregnancy, the pain was still fresh. And with that pain in mind, I began to wonder how best to move forward. How could I balance sharing my good news with making it less painful for those who I knew were still struggling? I ultimately determined that there wasn't much I could do because I can't anticipate what will hurt any particular person, given that they all have unique struggles. But, there was one thing I could do. I could refrain from changing my profile picture to an ultrasound image. I don't know how it affects others, but for me, it was a constant stab. It was one thing to see the pictures in my feed and know I wouldn't have to see them soon as they got bumped by more recent stuff. But, once it was a profile pic, I saw it every single time I interacted with the person or they did anything that showed up in my feed. So, knowing how difficult it was for me to be on the receiving end, I decided that I would not inflict that on anyone else who had similar feelings.
This is not to say that those who did or do it have done something wrong. They had and have every right to proclaim their joy in any way that they want to anyone that they want. I even did it last time with Lil' Bit. This time around, though, I want to be a good steward to those who are still struggling and those who have yet to discover their struggle ahead. I won't stop sharing my joy, but I can try not to make it unavoidable. And please know, even as I struggle with my pregnancy and get frustrated with my shots, I know how lucky I am. I know how many people deeply want a pregnancy, any pregnancy, and would take a high-risk one over none at all. I know that pain. Even as I carry my second child, I remember and feel that pain. I have not forgotten. To those of you who share the struggle, you are on my mind, in my heart, and in my prayers.
When I got pregnant with Lil' Bit, I was so excited. As did many of my friends, I changed my profile picture to an ultrasound image and was generally obnoxious as only pregnant women (particularly those of us who worked so darn hard to get that way) can be. I justified it because I had EARNED it. I don't know that I thought much about those on the receiving end of my posts--those who were happy for me, but for whom each of my posts was a reminder of what they had not yet been able to achieve.
Fast-forward to the past year, where I was faced once again with my infertility as I struggled with miscarriage and a failed FET. As I chronicled here and here, I struggled as my newsfeed filled with friends' news of pregnancy and ultrasound pictures. It hurt to see others getting what I wanted while I was being denied what I worked so hard and paid so much to achieve. Even after I got the positive result from this pregnancy, the pain was still fresh. And with that pain in mind, I began to wonder how best to move forward. How could I balance sharing my good news with making it less painful for those who I knew were still struggling? I ultimately determined that there wasn't much I could do because I can't anticipate what will hurt any particular person, given that they all have unique struggles. But, there was one thing I could do. I could refrain from changing my profile picture to an ultrasound image. I don't know how it affects others, but for me, it was a constant stab. It was one thing to see the pictures in my feed and know I wouldn't have to see them soon as they got bumped by more recent stuff. But, once it was a profile pic, I saw it every single time I interacted with the person or they did anything that showed up in my feed. So, knowing how difficult it was for me to be on the receiving end, I decided that I would not inflict that on anyone else who had similar feelings.
This is not to say that those who did or do it have done something wrong. They had and have every right to proclaim their joy in any way that they want to anyone that they want. I even did it last time with Lil' Bit. This time around, though, I want to be a good steward to those who are still struggling and those who have yet to discover their struggle ahead. I won't stop sharing my joy, but I can try not to make it unavoidable. And please know, even as I struggle with my pregnancy and get frustrated with my shots, I know how lucky I am. I know how many people deeply want a pregnancy, any pregnancy, and would take a high-risk one over none at all. I know that pain. Even as I carry my second child, I remember and feel that pain. I have not forgotten. To those of you who share the struggle, you are on my mind, in my heart, and in my prayers.
Pregnancy Comparisons
I knew going into this process that pregnancies can be very different. But, much like when people tell you parenting will be hard, you have no real concept of what that truly means until it actually happens. So, here I am, wallowing in the midst of a very different pregnancy, struggling to try and enjoy it. In all honesty, I am glad we decided it would be my last. Even if we hadn't, my experiences this time probably would have sent me to that decision anyway. Between periods of bedrest, bleeding, round ligament pain (OMG! I did not have this at all last time and it is horrible--imagine a charlie-horse in your groin every time you stand up or roll over in bed), weekly doctor's appointments, extra ultrasounds and a fetal echocardiogram, and being older with less energy to boot, this pregnancy is anything but a cake walk. Don't get me wrong. I am well-aware that it could be much worse. Still, I just never anticipated quite how different from my first pregnancy this one would be.
What's more, the things that are the same as last time aren't terribly great. For example: I once again have a low-lying, anterior (up front) placenta. Now, the ultrasound tech informed me that pretty much everyone's placenta appears to be low-lying at this point, so she's not worried about that, particularly given that it moved well last time. There's also nothing horrible about the anterior position of the placenta, except it means I likely won't feel Jellybean moving around until 22 weeks. That's a bummer because I was really looking forward to feeling baby sooner this time. I also wish the nurses would stop asking every visit if I can feel baby move--it makes me panic even though I know why I can't feel any movements yet. Hopefully, things will look better at our ultrasound this week.
What else is the same? Having gestational diabetes. Although this time around it's so much more complicated. Between drawing blood four times a day to test my sugars, and three shots a day of both long and short-acting insulin, I have already had my fill of needles. I have managed to lump my 8 pills and 3 shots per day into only 6 medication administrations, but add in Lil' Bit's 5 medication administrations and it gets really complicated. So far, I have missed or slept through multiple blood-sugar tests, two or three fast-acting insulin shots, and two long-lasting insulin shots. This, even though I set timers on my phone for the two meds I was having the most trouble remembering to take. I suppose that, on average, this is not a bad record, but it is frustrating all the same. My doc said that if we can get me to the point where my sugars seem pretty well-regulated, I may not have to test four times a day. On the other hand, given that my insulin resistance is expected to increase as we go along, I'm not convinced that there will really come a time when my sugars are well-regulated. Still, I have managed to keep from having to have a fast-acting insulin shot at breakfast, so that's something.
I have been doing pretty well on eating appropriately and have managed to get in a decent amount of exercise by doing nesting/cleaning activities. Still, I find myself drawn to the things that have less nutritive value. One day, I caved and exchanged 31 carbs for 15 gummy bears. Even so, I must be doing pretty good since I've managed to only gain two pounds since February when we started IVF. I just find it difficult to focus on the good things when I am perpetually watching the clock to determine if it's time again to eat or test and then calculating how many carbs I should be eating at that particular time.
Still, I am doing my best to look on the bright side. Having an ultrasound roughly every four weeks means lots of chances to see the Jellybean and weekly appointments let me hear the heartbeat. I'm hopeful that as things progress, I will find it easier to take pleasure in this pregnancy instead of just wanting to get it over with. Until then, I'll just trying to keep doing what I'm told and follow Dory's advice from Finding Nemo: "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming..."
What's more, the things that are the same as last time aren't terribly great. For example: I once again have a low-lying, anterior (up front) placenta. Now, the ultrasound tech informed me that pretty much everyone's placenta appears to be low-lying at this point, so she's not worried about that, particularly given that it moved well last time. There's also nothing horrible about the anterior position of the placenta, except it means I likely won't feel Jellybean moving around until 22 weeks. That's a bummer because I was really looking forward to feeling baby sooner this time. I also wish the nurses would stop asking every visit if I can feel baby move--it makes me panic even though I know why I can't feel any movements yet. Hopefully, things will look better at our ultrasound this week.
What else is the same? Having gestational diabetes. Although this time around it's so much more complicated. Between drawing blood four times a day to test my sugars, and three shots a day of both long and short-acting insulin, I have already had my fill of needles. I have managed to lump my 8 pills and 3 shots per day into only 6 medication administrations, but add in Lil' Bit's 5 medication administrations and it gets really complicated. So far, I have missed or slept through multiple blood-sugar tests, two or three fast-acting insulin shots, and two long-lasting insulin shots. This, even though I set timers on my phone for the two meds I was having the most trouble remembering to take. I suppose that, on average, this is not a bad record, but it is frustrating all the same. My doc said that if we can get me to the point where my sugars seem pretty well-regulated, I may not have to test four times a day. On the other hand, given that my insulin resistance is expected to increase as we go along, I'm not convinced that there will really come a time when my sugars are well-regulated. Still, I have managed to keep from having to have a fast-acting insulin shot at breakfast, so that's something.
I have been doing pretty well on eating appropriately and have managed to get in a decent amount of exercise by doing nesting/cleaning activities. Still, I find myself drawn to the things that have less nutritive value. One day, I caved and exchanged 31 carbs for 15 gummy bears. Even so, I must be doing pretty good since I've managed to only gain two pounds since February when we started IVF. I just find it difficult to focus on the good things when I am perpetually watching the clock to determine if it's time again to eat or test and then calculating how many carbs I should be eating at that particular time.
Still, I am doing my best to look on the bright side. Having an ultrasound roughly every four weeks means lots of chances to see the Jellybean and weekly appointments let me hear the heartbeat. I'm hopeful that as things progress, I will find it easier to take pleasure in this pregnancy instead of just wanting to get it over with. Until then, I'll just trying to keep doing what I'm told and follow Dory's advice from Finding Nemo: "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming..."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)