Choices

Growing up, my family did not call the food in the refrigerator "leftovers."  Instead, we were having "choices" for dinner.  You could choose to have anything that was available.  It was a small, but useful mindtrick.  It left us in control of what we were having for dinner.  You got to choose.  Now generally, I am a fan of choices.  They are empowering.  But there are times when it's difficult to make a choice because there are positives and negatives to either choice.  And that, dear readers, is where I currently find myself.

Phil and I have begun discussions about whether to have another child.  We have managed to do a good job laying out the pros and cons and letting each other know where we are on any given day.  Even so, we waffle back and forth.  I am having a particularly difficult time reconciling my emotional desire for another child with the rationalizations of whether I have the time/money/energy to raise another one (or two!).  Times like these I wish we had the ability to "accidentally" get pregnant.  It would make the decision much easier.  It allows for that, "We'll try, and if it's meant to be, it'll happen" type of reasoning.  Instead, we must look at financial balance sheets, consider whether and how to schedule procedures while taking care of Lil' Bit, and, ultimately, own that we are making a conscious, active decision one way or the other.  Whatever the results, we chose them.

Yesterday, as I spent a few more hours wrestling with where I am, I realized that I was trying to figure out which decision would leave me without grief and that there was no such option.  If I choose not to have another child, I have to grieve that loss.  If I choose to have another child, I have to grieve the loss of the time/energy/money/freedom that I might otherwise have had.  Then, there's the potential grief of deciding to have another child and the procedure not being successful.  The simple fact is, no matter what decision I make, there will come a time in my future where I will wish I had made the other choice.  There are times I would rather not have to choose, but, in the words of Rush, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."  Electing not to choose is the same as choosing not to have another child.  So, not choosing really isn't a separate option.

Ultimately, neither decision will leave me totally fulfilled and neither decision will leave me without regret.  Turns out that this was a rather freeing realization, because now I can remove grief and regret from the equation--it exists on both sides.  This has not stopped the waffling, however.  And I can tell I'm waffling because I have reverted back to my general position--when in doubt, seek out information.  So, I have appointments with the fertility doctors and my obgyn; I have Googled and otherwise scoured the internet for tips and things to consider; and I have asked friends for advice.  I am, however, about to reach the end of my information gathering and will have to make a choice.

In case you're wondering, at the moment, I'm leaning toward having another child--provided the doctors assure me it's a good idea.  But, we'll have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.