Mixed Emotions

It's been a strange few weeks here at the hospital.  As previously mentioned in other posts, Phil and I have been discussing having another baby, but we were waiting to hear the outcome of Lil' Bit's surgery to make any final decision.  Well, since everything was looking so good for her to go home on the 14th, we called the fertility center on the 12th and paid our deposit for an FET (frozen embryo transfer).  Of course, it was over the weekend, after we did that, the world went sideways.  Lil' Bit stopped holding down food and her discharge got delayed.  Then came the second-guessing.  Should we have waited longer to decide?  Ultimately, it doesn't really matter.  The decision is just as over as the Peloponnesian War.

So, this week I called the center and made an appointment for some tests I have to have this month.  If all goes well, I start meds around December 6 for a January procedure and September baby.  As excited as I am, there is some piece of me that keeps screaming in the background: "Are you crazy?!  You're not ready to do this again!"  And yet, even with all I have seen here and everything we have gone through with Lil' Bit, I want another baby.  I want Lil' Bit to have a sibling.  I want another child to help keep me from being over-protective of Lil' Bit--someone that will help me treat her like a normal kid.

At the same time, however, I have to temper all these wants and hopes with the fact that nothing is certain.  Just because it only took one round of IVF for Lil' Bit is no guarantee that things will work this time.  It certainly improves our odds, and I definitely feel more positive than I did last time that things will work.  Nevertheless, I have to remember that just because we have signed up to do another procedure is no guarantee of another child.  On the flip side, even if it works, there's no guarantee we'll only get one.  My dear friend keep threatening that we'll have triplets --a pair and a spare as she likes to say.  We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.  For now, all we can do is move ahead with our decision, knowing it's what we want to do.  Whether we get none, one, or multiples, we'll get what we get, and we'll deal with it when we get to that point.  For now, it's nice to have a little bit of excitement and hope growing in my heart as I (ever so impatiently) wait for Lil' Bit to get out of the ICU.