Holiday Frustrations and Discernments

Traveling over the holidays this year has been more difficult than usual. On the plus side, Lil' Bit met her namesake again and the unseasonably warm weather made driving less treacherous.  We also got a chance to go to the movies while Nana watched Lil' Bit; something we haven't done in a while.  Still, this has to be one of the most difficult holiday travels:

-We spent 30 minutes in a gas station bathroom changing and washing Lil' Bit and the car seat after she turned into a volcano of vomit.  We then purchased an air freshner to prevent me, a sympathetic barfer, from making it worse, but the combo of the two smells gave me a massive headache which caused severe nausea.

-My contacts tore, my back-up glasses broke, and the lenses my doctor's office sent by mail to Tennessee did not arrive before we left.  Complete vision fail!

-We got stuck for 2 hours on the Interstate behind an 8-car pile-up with car fire, with a screaming toddler who refused to nap or be placated with her toys, making us late to our destination and requiring us to keep said screaming, tired toddler awake even longer to get her last two med doses in because we missed them due to the whole lateness thing and the two meds have to be given an hour apart.

Had you asked me last year, I would never have said that traveling with a 1-month-old would be easier than a 13-month-old, but it was.  It also occurred to me that if we have another child, I won't be abe to sit in back and feed and play with the kids; we'll have to stop a lot more frequently.  Needless to say, most of this trip fell heavily into the "only child" side of the baby equation.  And yet, I can't help myself.  I still want another one.  I cannot explain or rationalize it.  I have moments when I'm uncertain I can handle the one I have, but it doesn't change how I feel.  However, because it is not just my decision, we are still discussing.  And, in case you wondered what else might fall in the mix, I present you with two such thoughts:

1). Why are we having additional children? It needs to be because we want that child, not because we want a sibling for Lil' Bit, or a child to take attention away from Lil' Bit's issues.  So, can we honestly say it's about wanting another child for that child's sake?

2). If we don't do a February procedure, we likely won't do it before May (March means a due date around Lil' Bit's birthday and April means an Easter procedure and Christmas delivery, which is a definite no).  If we do a February procedure, we are setting ourselves up to deal with all of Lil' Bit's 1-year surgical follow-up visits and procedures with a newborn in tow.  Is that really a good idea?

The most difficult thing about this decision is that every day I have experiences that land heavily on one side or the other.  Very few days are neutral.  It's almost never a good idea to make decisions when under stress, but once you are a parent, ALL decisions are made that way.  If I pick a rough day to decide, Lil' Bit will be an only child.  If I pick a good day, I might believe my coping skills are better than they really are.  What if decision day is a good day for one of us, but not the other?   Ultimately, how can I trust the final decision we make, no matter which way we decide? 

And yet, anything less than a complete "yes" really has to be treated as a "no."  Otherwise, we're short-changing ourselves, our marriage, Lil' Bit, and the children-to-be-named-later.  It's not the answer I want, but it's the only one that seems to make any sense.   So, we continue to talk, to wait, and to discern.  And if we miss February, then we miss it.  And that hurts.  Just typing those words hurts, so deep is my emotional ache for another pregnancy; another child.   I want it now.  I want it already.  I want it yesterday.  But, I must remember the wisdom of the Rolling Stones.  I may not get what I want, but hopefully, I'll get what I need.  I just wish I knew what that was.