Self-Worth, Advertising, and the Mommy Wars

I have been thinking a lot since I wrote my last post about how we became a society full of people who don't value themselves.  What I decided was that it has likely been created, in no small part, by advertising and the media.  Advertisers have long used psychological concepts to turn us into good consumers.  The problem is, good consumers from a company's perspective, are those who buy a product regardless of whether they need it.  Therefore, their job is to convince us that we need whatever they are selling.  And, the simplest way to do that, is to make us feel inadequate without it:

If you don't drink our beer or drive our car, you won't get women.
If you don't use this make-up, you'll look old and wrinkley and who would want you then.
If you don't buy this toy, you aren't really having fun and all your other friends will wonder why you don't have it.
If you don't use the superfast phone network, you don't care enough about making the most of your time.
If you don't use this diaper, you don't care enough about your child.

Even the commercials that manage to stick to a simple message of "we're the best product on the market based on thus and such research" are problematic because they include the (subtle or not so subtle) unspoken message that, if you are using another product, it is inferior and you are stupid for doing so.  After all,  they have science on their side.

But these messages of being unworthy or not measuring up come in forms other than advertising.  Nowhere is this more visible than the "Mommy Wars."  For the uninitiated, the "Mommy Wars" result from a perceived dichotomy of moms.  It caricatures mothers into one of two categories, both of whom tend to brand themselves as carrying the torch of feminism.  Group one is defined as: stay-at-home, attachment parenting, breastfeeding advocate, co-sleeping, home birthing, "granola" moms.  Group two is defined as: moms who work outside the home, formula feeders, separate sleepers, elective c-sections, and those who refuse to make time in their schedules to actually raise their children.  The truth is, most women do not fall entirely within either category.  But, even those who attempt to bridge the gap end up being criticized.

Although the Mommy Wars are usually simmering beneath the surface, they exploded full force into mainstream media with Time Magazine's cover of a mother breastfeeding her toddler and asking "Are you mom enough?"  At least one popular blogger suggested that we should not give in to the blatant attempt by Time to reignite the war.  But we can't help ourselves.  Because, ultimately, the truth behind why the Time magazine cover caused such controversy, the feelings behind the mommy wars, and why advertising works is the same.  We need to be right and, in our society, there is only one right way to do anything.  Our job is to figure it out and do it.  Otherwise, we are failures or slackers.

Our self-worth comes from knowing we are right.  Shades of gray mean we can't find our place and, therefore, can't estimate our self-worth.  Accordingly, we create a false dichotomy of black and white and constantly compare what we are doing with everyone else to make sure we're still adequate.  If someone suggests that breastfeeding is best for children, they must automatically be trying to make those who formula feed feel inadequate.  If a mother suggests that going to work makes her a better parent, she must be slamming stay-at-home moms.  We have lost nuance.  We have lost dialogue.  We just shout at one another without listening and, in doing so, continue to feed the beast of inadequacy.  After all, if you are right, then anyone making an alternative choice must, therefore, be wrong.

Here's my belief about parenting:  there are a multitude of ways to do it right, and a multitude of ways to do it wrong.  We all want what is best for our children; few parents intend to do their children harm.  Every parent's circumstances are different and every child is different.  What works for one child, may not work with another, even within the same family unit.  The point of the information age is to make it accessible to people so that they can read it, digest it, and make the best, most informed choices they can for themselves.  And we have to support parents in the choices they make, even if they are not the choices we would make.  Thus, the choice to have a hospital birth does not automatically mean you don't support home-birthing and doulas.  Having an epidural or a c-section does not make you any less of a mother.  Regardless of whether you co-sleep with your child or let them "cry it out," you are performing an experiment.  Indeed, all life is an experiment.  How do you figure out how to parent your child?  Trial and error.  But none of this makes us inadequate or stupid.  It simply makes us human.  And our choices are just that--ours.  Different does not equal wrong and I would prefer to spend my energy figuring out ways to make all children feel valued and supported rather than tearing each other down for the choices we make as parents.  

So, in case no one has told you recently:  You are mom enough.  You are dad enough.  You are enough.  So long as you love your children and you are making the best decision you know how, you are doing a great job regardless of whether your parenting looks anything like mine.  And I support you in it.