People are nosy. I get that. We want to know what's going on in other people's lives. There are limits, though. We, as a society, have some generalized ground rules about where the boundaries are. For example, most people find it inappropriate to walk up to one another and say, "Hey, how much do you earn at your job?" Similarly, health issues are generally off-limits. And, with the exception of procreation-related exceptions, people's sex life is generally off the table. It's those procreation-related exceptions I want to talk about today. Excuse me whilst I step up onto my soapbox.
For starters, the following questions (and any variants thereof) are not appropriate and should not be asked by anyone other than a VERY close friend or relative and maybe not even then. Why? Because although it seems like a harmless question to you, it may bring up all kinds of nightmares for the other person. You won't intend to, but it will happen all the same. Furthermore, their answer might require them to reveal far more about themselves than you or they want. So, quite simply, follow two simple rules: Don't Assume. Don't Ask.
1) Are you planning to have kids? When are you going to have kids? Why don't you have kids?
2) Are you going to have any more kids? Is this your only one?
3) Are you going to try for a boy/girl?
4) Now that you have one of each, are you done?
5) Aren't you done having kids yet? Don't you think you're stretched a little thin? Are all of those yours?
Underlying each of these questions is an assumption that we need to get rid of.
The first is our belief that any of this is our business. It's not. Just as you don't have any say in the choice of job, house, food, clothes, or voting habits of anyone else, you don't have any say in the whether or how many children a couple has. And, it's not just making polite conversation. It's nosy and intrusive. Whether and how many children someone has is personal, intimate, and potentially involves religious beliefs and medical issues. Unless they offer, you don't ask.
The second is that everyone who is married is planning to have kids. They are not. So asking if/when they are planning to have them is inserting yourself into the couple's private decisions. Butt out. Besides, they may be struggling with infertility and your question will only rip open that gaping wound and make them feel more inadequate than they already do. So, don't.
The third is that anyone without kids didn't want them. Infertility prevents many couples from ever having children. Although infertility treatments and adoption can provide solutions for some couples, neither is a guarantee, and either or both can be cost prohibitive.
The fourth is that everyone who is pregnant is happy and wants to share. We all know there are unplanned pregnancies, pregnancies from incest or rape, and otherwise difficult pregnancies. There are also women who are gestational carriers. Asking intrusive questions about the due date, gender, and whether it was an accident is simply not appropriate. If they volunteer in some manner that let's you know it's okay, that's different. But don't be the one to bring it up.
The fifth is that there is something wrong with choosing to stop at one child. If a parent feels financially, physically, or mentally overwhelmed by one child, we should give them props that they recognized that and stopped after one rather than getting in way over their heads with more. Just because you felt the same way and managed to make it work when more came along is irrelevant. They aren't you. They are making the best decision they know how for themselves. Let them and leave them the heck alone.
The sixth is that somehow two is the perfect number of children, particularly if you have one boy and one girl. Electing to have more than two is, again, a choice left up to the parents. You have no say. Along these same lines, whether parents stop at 3, 4, 5, or more is also none of your business. Maybe they have religious objections to birth control. Maybe they just love children. I don't care if you are witnessing them in a situation where they are overwhelmed. It doesn't give you license to question their decision. Perhaps it's just a bad day. The point is, you don't know, so don't assume that you do and make remarks based on those assumptions.
The seventh is that parents deep down really want a boy and a girl. I have many friends and relatives who have 2 or 3 kids who are all the same sex. And every last one of them will tell you that they do not love their children any more or any less because they are boys/girls. However, if a couple decides to keep having kids until they do get a particular gendered child, so what. Again, none of your business.
The eighth is related to the fifth--that people chose to stop at x number of children. Maybe they did. But, maybe, they tried everything they could to have more and it never worked. I know of someone who wanted four children, but infertility struck after the third. It's not that she didn't love the children she had, but she felt incomplete. It's the same for people who wanted two only got one, or who wanted one never got any. Just because someone has a child, or two, or three, or whatever, doesn't mean that infertility and miscarriage don't affect them. So don't assume that a couple knowingly chose to have x-number of children.
The ninth is that choosing to have kids, working to have kids, and raising kids is the same for everyone. It's not. Whether a couple that never wanted children discovers they are pregnant and must choose whether to give the child up for adoption; or a couple that easily got pregnant with their first suffers from infertility and never manages to have a second; or a couple has five children because they have religious objections to birth control; or a couple undergoes IVF and has triplets; or, or, or, or, or, the circumstances that cause them to become, or not become, parents are different and every couple has to make its own choices based on their backgrounds and their lives. It's not your life, so it's not your choice. Unless they ask you what you would do/did, don't volunteer it. It doesn't matter.
From my perspective, there's only one assumption we all should make. Unless we are invited into the conversation by the couple, we need to assume that it is none of our business and not ask any questions. And, if they do invite us in, we need to tread carefully, watch out for our assumptions, and think before we open our mouths.
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