I think we've all done it. Whether we ultimately have children or not, at some point, we have seen a parent doing something or hear of someone's parenting technique and we say, "Wow. If I have kids, I will never" fill in the blank. Then, for those who become parents, chances are good we will encounter a situation as a parent where we violate that rule we made while so fervently judging that other parent.
The first "I will never" I remember violating is letting Lil' Bit have a pacifier. Granted, I didn't get much choice in the matter. When she was whisked away to the nursery because she wasn't breathing well and they elected to give her one, I decided I was not going to fight it. It made her happy and thousands of well-adjusted people had them. Besides, I was not going to make her scream by taking it away. And so it was that I broke my "I would never" number 2--I will never do something just to make my kid quiet. This has probably been my biggest rule violation and it has come in many forms. As Bill Cosby said, "Parents aren't interested in justice. They are interested in peace and quiet." And so we are. That doesn't mean that I will give my child anything to make her quiet. When I tell her "no" and she gets upset, I am more than willing to let her be upset than give in to a tantrum. But, as I mentioned in my most recent vacation post, I will give her an iPad to try and keep her happy in the car. That action also broke the "I will never have a DVD player in my car." Although technically I have not violated this rule, let's be honest, iPads are essentially this generation's in-car-DVD system. So, I own that as a third rule violation.
I also quickly violated the "I will never have my child watch any television before she's 2." Ha! While I try very hard to make sure she plays outside or inside with toys, and she gets exposed to music and all types of things, I was living a lie if I thought I was going to keep her tv free. I remember when I first got her home and we were doing that loving, cuddling, bondy thing. She slept often. And although I knew I needed to nap, I couldn't. But I unwilling to put my baby down either. She was only going to be small once and I wanted to snuggle the snot out of her while I could. So, what's a bored woman with insomnia going to do while holding a sleeping child--watch television apparently. But, I reasoned with myself, she's not watching it; she's asleep. And, I tried to be more careful when she was awake. But, time went by, life got in the way, and, let's be honest, I got lazy, and now she's hooked on Phineas and Ferb and Sesame Street. Still, there are worse things.
I have been thinking about these rule violations recently and I decided that, for me, the goal is to be aware when I do it, know why I do it, and to limit it appropriately as best I can. But it also made me wonder. Given that all parenting is trial and error and on-the-job training, am I simply adapting to reality whereas my rules were made when I had no idea how parenting actually worked, or am I rule-breaking? As with most things, I decided it was neither fully one or the other. In large part, I made the rule pronouncements without any concept of the realities of parenting. That does not mean the rules were unachievable. I know of parents who made similar rules and managed to keep them. I think the point, though, is to figure out why I made the pronouncement I did. Why did I think x behavior was bad and want to avoid it with my child? I also needed to admit to myself why I was breaking the rule/changing my mind. And, at least for me, as long as I am honest with myself about why I have changed my position, I don't beat myself up. I know that I'm doing the best I can and learning as I go. And kudos to the parents who manage to not break their rules, particularly now that I know how hard that is. Also, I am way easier on the in-my-head judgments I make about parents I see out and about these days. Before I had kids, I knew everything. Now that I have one, I am discovering vast realms of knowledge I didn't even know existed. So, I cut myself a little slack; acknowledge that I probably rushed to judgment in my youth; and move on to the job ahead of me--Being the adult I want Lil' Bit to grow up to be. That, to me, is the simplest, but most important rule for me to follow.
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