Plan B

So, today was the big day.  Sadly, although not surprisingly, my beta test was negative.  In fact, it was not even close.  I could tell it must be practically 0 because they told me I could stop my meds.  I was right--it was a less than 2.  I will go ahead and have another beta on Wednesday just to make sure nothing strange is going on, but that's it.  We hit the top, took the straight drop to the bottom and pulled into the station.  We have officially ended our fertility journey.  I am sad that I am not pregnant, and I am sad that Lil' Bit will not have siblings, but I will not miss the roller coaster, or the shots, or the physical and emotional toll that trying again would require.

So, what happens now?  First, some tlc for ourselves.  FYI, it turns out that no amount of pre-grieving would have allowed me to stay at work and focus today.  And, since I no longer needed to save vacation time for maternity leave, I took the day off.  I went out to lunch with my bff and got lots of hugs and support.  I also went out and got myself a sassy new haircut to celebrate.  What is there to celebrate?  My new beginning.  Because this isn't just an end.

Second, I called my doctor's office and scheduled an appointment for discussing/scheduling my hysterectomy.  I am so excited about the potential end of all the pain and problems I had suffered for 25 years or so.

Third, I signed up to walk a half-marathon with my sister next year.  We had done it twice before and I had talked to her before the procedure was scheduled to set this up a plan B.  So, this afternoon, we both signed up.  Now, I can spend time training and getting in shape.

Fourth, we are filling out the paperwork to donate our remaining embryos to the clinic for couples who are waiting.  There's currently a 12- to 15-month waiting period and we want to help alleviate that wait for at least one couple if we can.

Finally, over the next few months, I will sort through all of the baby clothes and gear we have that we won't need any more and gift it or give it away.  It will be nice to release all of that stuff to make room for whatever comes next.

None of this is to say that we are not sad and feeling broken and raw.  There is much to grieve and I have no idea how long that will take.  But, honestly, knowing this was our last time before we started has made this much easier in so many ways.  There's no fretting about trying again.  We aren't stuck in a holding pattern.

And we know that we are lucky.  We are still parents.  We have an amazing toddler that we get to help become whoever she is going to be.  In that respect, we won the IVF lotto.  But tonight, I think we will hold her a little tighter and be just a little more thankful that we have her.  Because after all we have been through, she seems more fragile, more precious, and even more of a miracle.