Beginnings and Endings

Dear Readers,

This has been a rough year.  It began with my one-year-old healing from open heart surgery and us learning how to function giving her meds six times a day.  It continued with a miscarriage, a second failed FET, two trips to the ER while out of state, and a stomach bug that made Lil' Bit quit taking her heart meds for several days.  Needless to say, I am ready for this year to be over.  In fact, I don't remember ever being so ready for a year to end.

On the plus side, this year saw Lil' Bit have her first birthday party not in a hospital, and we finally got her off the sinus infection/antibiotic treadmill.  I also got to see my brother and his family for the first time in a year-and-a-half, and Lil' Bit got to play with her cousin.

Sadly, the year ahead starts with major outpatient surgery for me.  Not exactly something to make me want to run into the new year with open arms.  But--January is also the start of our next FET.  Shots begin again on the 18th!  I'm excited and hopeful, and yet, some piece of me feels it's folly.  After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Nevertheless, we try again because, in truth, it's not the same thing every time.  Besides, my heart simply cannot take anymore pregnancy announcements.  For cripes sake Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a kid!  I want it to be my turn.  Need it to be my turn.  I want to crawl out of this emotional black hole triumphant and expectant.  Hopefully, 2013 is my year.

But, regardless of whether I end up with anther child, it will be my last year of fertility treatments.  We only have enough embryos for two tries, and I'm too old (and, quite honestly, unwilling) to do another fresh cycle.  So, if the February FET isn't successful, my plan is to turn around and do the last one and be done.  Then, I can close the chapter on this part of my life, get my surgery, and get on with raising Lil' Bit and whomever else shows up.

So, regardless of outcome, 2013 is going to be a big year for me.  I'm hopeful for a great year, but I will settle for one that's better than 2012.  For now, I will savor the last day of this year and all the hopes for the year ahead.  And, if you want, you can join me in the new year on my next trip down the rabbit hole.  18 days and counting!