Yes, No, Maybe So

When we last left our story, I was getting ready for a rough five days.  Dear readers, nothing prepared me for just how rough these days have been.  So, Thursday morning, 2 a.m., I wake up to a crying toddler.  Decide I might as well use the hpt.  I get a very faint positive!  Suddenly, I had all the energy in the world to deal with my baby girl.  I went into her room and slept on her floor, snuggled up with her, until she finally went to sleep.  I was riding high!  Friday and Saturday morning revealed gradually darkening lines--a very good sign:  darker lines = more hCG = growing baby!  We told a few people, but given the loss of Oliver, we were keeping it pretty quiet.  We hadn't planned to announce anything until after the Wednesday beta when we would know if the numbers were doubling appropriately.  In my mind, all I kept praying was, "Please let me make it to the March 14 ultrasound."  Everything seemed to be fine.

Saturday was also the anniversary of my miscarriage with Oliver.  I was feeling melancholy, but my positive result was keeping my spirits lifted.  I was tired, so I took a nap early in the afternoon.  I woke up just after 2 feeling queasy.  I figured it was a good sign and went downstairs for water and crackers.  Just before 2:30, I discovered I was bleeding.  Phil was upstairs napping and I couldn't decide whether I should wake him up to bother him with this news or just cry to myself downstairs.  Around 3 I finally decided to go share.  Telling him made it too real and I broke down.  I was literally having trouble breathing I was crying so hard.  I remember saying, "Not today.  Not again."  Honestly, I am quite ready to erase February 23 off the calendars (no offense to those whose birthday it is).  The bleeding was light, but was still going went I went to bed last night.  It seems to have stopped now, which is a relief.  But, what did it mean?

Was it little babies burrowing in deeper?  Did we lose one?  If we did, are there others still growing in there? Any of these are possible.  And, quite honestly, the beta tomorrow won't tell us much.  Given that I already have positive hpts, we're almost certain the beta will come out positive.  The number might hint at whether there are multiples, but really, we'll likely be just as in the dark as we are today.  Now there's nothing to do but wait until Wednesday and pray the numbers are still increasing.  In the meantime, I am stuck in a body that is still cramping and terrified to go to the bathroom.  I know worrying won't change anything, but it's all too fresh, too convoluted, too unfair.

So, am I pregnant?  Yes, no, maybe so.  What I do know is that I am sad and scared.  So please, pray for me.  For us.  Not for any specific outcome, but for the strength to get through all of this, however it turns out.  Because I am feeling weak and frail and broken.  But, hopefully, as the Beatles said, I'll get by with a little help from my friends.