It's been a rough few days since the news from the fetal echocardiogram. We have been struggling to regain our bearings; find our footing. We have spent a lot of time thinking and talking. As we did, one of the seemingly unrelated thoughts that came to me in the quiet hours was that I had caused my miscarriage with Oliver. I remember clearly being in the shower one morning after discovering we were pregnant and thinking, "I am excited you're here, but I'm not capable of dealing with another child with a heart problem." Shortly thereafter, we lost him. I remember having a similar thought when we were trying again last October. "I can't deal with any more problems, so if you're going to have issues, please don't come." Did my thoughts cause the miscarriage and the failure in October? As a friend of mine said, "You are not that powerful." She's probably right. But the amazing part about the thought of me having caused those disappointments was that I didn't feel guilty. Let's assume I did cause them. I honestly meant the thoughts when I had them. I was in no position to deal with another child with heart issues either of those times. When we went forward this time, we were both clear that we were willing to take whatever we got--problems and all. Remembering that has made coping a little easier. But more amazing was that, as I processed these thoughts, I finally felt at peace with my miscarriage. I'm fairly certain that I did not expect the news that Jellybean has a heart defect to bring acceptance of Oliver's miscarriage. Then again, we often don't know what form blessings will come in. And, right now, I'll take any blessings I can get.
At the same time, we are still struggling with the news. In one conversation, I indicated that I was having trouble investing. The statement was nieve. I was already invested. Still, my brain was trying to protect me. As we talked, we realized that we needed to be invested. The only way to fight for Jellybean was to be invested. And the best way to be more invested, was to give Jellybean a name. So, that's where we are. Figuring out Jellybean's name. Getting invested.
Our next fetal echocardiogram is scheduled for next month. They are waiting for Jellybean to get bigger because it will be easier to see the heart. It's hard to wait that long, but it gives us some time. Time to choose a name for Jellybean. Time to grieve the loss of the perfect child we hoped for. Time to accept the perfect child that Jellybean is.
You are quite an amazing couple, but not so amazing as to be able to will the occurrance of a miscarriage. I'm glad you have come to realize that.
ReplyDeleteI've had a few miscarriages myself and, as I grieved the loss of each, I remember thinking that just because my husband and I decided to have another baby didn't mean that God felt we should.
And the oposite is true. After my husband decided we were through having children and had a vasectomy, God decided we weren't and I became pregnant for my youngest, Autumn. It seems that in one in a million cases a vasectomies reverse naturally.
So, trust that when God wants you to have a child, it will happen regardless of the difficulties. Sometimes we are tested, as you have been, but ultimately God wills out.
If anyone can handle the health issues of a baby and child, it is the two of you. You have proven this again and again. God knows that is true and He is at your side to encourage you with His never waning love. And you should know this too. Don't doubt yourself.
You have hundreds of people praying for you. When Autumn had cancer, that thought helped me through it. There is great power in prayer.
Keeep the faith,
Claudia