Today was Lil' Bit's return to daycare after being gone to her relatives in Tennessee for a month. Last night, she was quite excited to return. This morning, not so much. When I asked her what she wanted to wear, she sat down on the bathroom floor in a frump and refused to speak. I brushed her hair and gave her choices on what to wear. She said no to everything. I told her that if she didn't pick, I would pick for her. Receiving no response, I went in search of an outfit for her.
While I was looking through a pile of clothes, she came downstairs and sat on a kitchen chair. I held up the outfit I had selected for her and told her she would wear it unless she picked something else. She declined to pick anything. I attempted to put the kort on, but she pulled her legs back under the chair and gave me a look that dared me to try to put it on her. Because I want "no" to mean "no" when it comes to respecting her body, and I told her that she is the boss of herself when it comes to her body, I refused to get into a physical fight. I placed the clothes on the table and told her that she could wear the outfit I selected, or I would take her to daycare in just her pull-up.
Receiving no response, I packed her clothes, along with her meds and put them in the car. As I was making trips in and out of the house to get my purse, I noticed she had turned around backwards in the chair. By the time I was done, she had her arms wrapped around the top, her legs through the back, and she was hanging on. It was clear she was anticipating me trying to pull her off the chair. Rather than fight her to pull her free, I wordlessly picked up the chair with her hanging on and carried it to the garage door. I moved my car so I could get her and the chair into the garage, came back into the house, picked up her and the chair and carried them out to the garage. I placed her--still naked--and the chair to which she was clinging into the back of the car. I placed the clothes on the back seat next to her car seat, started the car, backed out of the garage, and sat in the driveway.
I heard occasional cries for attention, but nothing serious. I watched as she attempted to lay down, but there wasn't enough room in the back with her and the chair. I rolled down the window, parked the car, and told her that her options were to get dressed and go to daycare, or to stay in the driveway all day. I told her I would stay in the car with her, so she wouldn't be alone, but that I was going to play Frozen games on my phone until she decided what she wanted. I asked her a few times if she was ready to get dressed, but my question would prompt a defiant look, a vigorous head shake, and it was clear she wanted to "win." I would nod, say, "ok," and go back to my phone.
I finally quit asking anything and, after a 15-minute period where I never said anything or looked her way, I heard her moving around. Watching in the rearview mirror, I watcher her climb out of the back into the back seat and begin to play with some toys she had left back there. I turned around, picked up the shirt, and tentatively began dressing her. She did not fight me, so I continued. She began to cry, so I pulled her into the front seat and sat her in my lap and just held her while she cried. She helped me finish dressing her, but continued to cry. I asked her if she could use her words to tell me what was wrong, but she was crying too hard. We snuggled for a while, and when she would quiet down, I would try again. At best, I got a few "no" headshakes, but no words.
After a long, quiet period of snuggles and hugs, where I just spoke to her reassuringly about anything I could think of that might be bothering her, I told her that if she could talk with me, maybe we could reach a solution to her problem. I told her that I needed to get work done and that I couldn't do it without her going to daycare, but that I would come pick her up when it was over, and we would get her a movie and pizza for dinner. She nodded "yes." A breakthrough!
I asked if she was ready for me to put her in her seat and didn't receive any objections, so I held her close, got out of my seat, opened the back door, put her in her seat, and buckled her in. She answered me when I asked what kind of music she wanted. I got in, put on the requested tunes, and we drove off. She didn't say anything the whole ride, but she wasn't crying and didn't have the angry look in her eye.
When we arrived, I asked her if she wanted to walk in, or wanted me to carry her. She said "carry," so I did. When we sat down, her friends were happy to see her. She smiled and volunteered the names of some of the other kids by way of introduction for me. She sat in her chair, began to eat her donuts, smiled, gave me kisses goodbye, and told me she was ready for me to go.
It took an hour, but I think I held the line. She ended up dressed and at day care. I never issued any threats, but just gave her choices and consequences. I probably could have done things differently earlier in the process that would not have escalated us to sitting in the driveway and necessitated the stubborn-off, but I did my best to manage the situation as I had helped create it. Hopefully, I reinforced that there are choices she gets to make--what she wears, etc--and choices I get to make--whether she goes to daycare, etc. Since she was ultimately happy shortly after arrival and there was no yelling, no physical altercations, and no idle threats, I'm calling this one a win.
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