2016 Word of the Year

I have an orchid that a friend at work gave me when I first returned to work after Patrick died.  It lived at work for a while and then had a few different locations in our old house (oh yeah--we moved last year, but that's for a different blog post), but it either got not enough light or the kitties attacked it, and then we moved it to the new house.  That I haven't killed it yet is amazing in and of itself, but whether as inspiration or a good omen, it decided to open it's first flower on the 31st.

See, as is my tradition, I spent part of December 31 figuring out my word for 2016.  My brother-in-law suggested "better," and given how 2016 started off, that might have been a good choice.  Instead, however, I was drawn to "bloom," as in, bloom where you are planted.  The orchid's decision to flower that day is probably what sealed the deal, but part of why I chose it is because I want life to be about more than just making the best of a bad situation.  I want it to be about finding a way to shine and show off my best self no matter what situation I'm in.

Having chosen my word, I have spent the past few weeks trying to figure out ways to move forward on projects and begin to "bloom" myself.  I forwarded my manuscript to an editor to move forward on getting my book published.  I started selling Jamberry nail wraps on the side to earn money for said editor as well as take a step outside my comfort zone and talk to people.  As an introvert who prefers writing to talking, my first home party was terrifying, but it was filled with friends, which was a big help.

And sure enough, as I have moved forward, my orchid has taken off as well.

Seven blooms with roughly 10 more buds left to open!!  I try to look at my orchid each morning, but particularly on rough mornings, as a reminder that I can do this.  I can show my best self and let the world see the fruits of my internal labor.

May this year give you the opportunity to find your best self and let others see what is most beautiful in you. 

#Bloom2016

Goodbye Joy, Hello Truth

It's New Year's Eve, and I could not be more ready for this year to end.  To be honest, I feel like I have been dealing with ever bigger struggles since we first started having trouble conceiving in 2008 and I am terrified about the year ahead.  Meds and surgeries in 2009; IVF and rough pregnancy in 2010; CHD diagnosis, hospitalizations, heart caths, and open-heart surgery in 2011; miscarriage and failed IVF in 2012; IVF, rough pregnancy, CHD, rough delivery, surgeries, deaths, and hospitalizations in 2013; surgeries, hospitalizations, depression, and Patrick's death in 2014.  Six years of increasingly difficult experiences.  I am tapped out.  I don't know if I can handle any more.  I know that I said that last year, and that this year was much worse and I'm still standing.  It has become obvious that each time I have said enough, the universe has tested me and pushed me and showed me that, in fact, it could give me more and I would survive.  I'm also well aware that there are many worse things that could be sent my way.  I don't want them.  I am trying desperately not to challenge the universe.  I don't want to know how strong I can be.

At the same time, I don't want to focus on the negatives.  I want to focus on something positive, under the theory that we manifest those things on which we focus our energy.  As 2015 has approached, I began the task of figuring out my word for the year.  Let me back up--in my family, instead of make New Year's resolutions, we pick a word or attribute that we want to focus on, work on, or manifest in the year ahead.  I have previously picked words like discernment and abundance.  One year, I picked patience, before I knew better.  Last year, having had such a crummy 2013, I picked joy.  I wanted to manifest joy in my life.  Hahahahaha!  What I got was lots of opportunities to find joy in the rough and tumble world of hospitals and death.  As a result of the experiences this year, I've been (I think reasonably) scared of picking my word for 2015.  I felt like it needed to be "perfect"; that, somehow, if I could just pick the right word, I will have an easier year in 2015.

I thought I had finally managed to narrow it to three:  miracles, release, and connection.  Then, this afternoon, I read an article by someone else who was picking a word for next year.  The article included a list of questions to ask in formulating said word.  In asking myself those questions, I came up with a few other thoughts, including success, family, truth, comfort, and insight.  As I tried to decide which of these words would be the best one to select, it occurred to me that I was picking my word out of fear.  Fear that it would be hard.  Fear that it would bring more struggles and grief.  I was, once again, trying to outsmart God--as though that were actually possible.  So, I tried my best to get my head out of it.  I wrote the words on paper, folded them, put them in a hat, and picked one.  The result was unexpected.  Of all the ones I thought might come up, this wasn't it.  Maybe that's why it came up.  Who knows.  For good or ill, my word for 2015 is:

Truth

And as I thought about the word, I was reminded of a line of a covenant from a church I attended in my youth:  to seek the truth in love.  So, I wrote my own covenant for the year, to help keep me on track with my word:

Love is the spirit of my life,

And truth shall be its law.

I will seek the truth in love.

I will speak my truth with love.

And I will help others find their truth.

This is my covenant.

So, goodbye #Joy2014 and hello #Truth2015.  See you next year.