Being a rather stubborn, get-what-I-want-come-hell-or-high-water kind of person, I can get a little focused on a goal and forget to see other things. This has been brought home to me quite clearly as of late. As the total number of family/friends I know who are pregnant continues to grow (now above 12), I've gotten more and more focused on getting another child and my frustration at being denied that which I so desperately desire. Unfortunately, this narrow focus has made me forget to take pleasure in that which I already have--namely, Lil' Bit. Don't get me wrong, I have been loving playing with her and watching her develop and taking joy in her. But I've been taking it for granted. I assume, as we all do, that there will be a tomorrow. And, although the odds are on my side, it's not a given.
We've all heard that once you pass that 13-week threshold of pregnancy your odds of delivering a happy, healthy baby are much higher. But, it's no guarantee. And yet, most of us go through pregnancy sure that there is a next day, and a next, until we reach the finish line. Recently, a friend of a friend lost her baby at 20 weeks' gestation. I know other people who have lost babies at 15 and 17 weeks and even as late as 38 weeks. The truth is, there is no "safe" period. Not even birth. Many a parent has lost their child shortly after birth or in the first few months. But none of us dwell on it. In fact, generally after the first 6 months, when the risk of SIDS is over, we all move through life even more sure of every tomorrow.
Back when Lil' Bit first went to the hospital, I had my first moment of remembering not to take each day for granted. With her health diagnosis, the need for surgery, the actual surgery, and all of the other health issues that have come, I have been reminded that every day is not a given. And yet, when she is being a sassy toddler and running me out of what little patience I have left, I forget. I forget to marvel in her existence. I forget to tell her how much I love her. After yesterday, however, I am making a firm commitment to remember. Every day.
See, some dear friends of mine lost their 3-year-old child quite unexpectedly. When I saw the news, I had to read and re-read it many times before it sank in. My mind just couldn't accept what I was seeing. I could see pictures of this beautiful child--so close in age and personality to my own--from just days before. How could she possibly be gone? Phil and I sat in the house trying to digest this news. My very first thought was, "I can't even imagine." But, the truth is, I could imagine. That was why it was so painful. I could easily see it having been me. And I was terrified. In that instant, I didn't care whether my FET was successful. My focus was Lil' Bit and making sure I held her and that she knew how much I loved her.
And so I find myself in a very different space today. My goal is still to go forward with the FET. And I will still be sad it isn't successful. But as of this moment, it is no longer the most important thing in my life. There are way more important things--loving Lil' Bit and Phil and making sure they know how much; loving my friends through their loss and through the hard times ahead; living my life in remembrance of the fact that today could be the last day--whether mine or someone else's. I will plan for the future, but I will live for today. I will remember.
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