Last week, I went for my ultrasound to make sure everything was on schedule for my FET this week. It was all good news and we "are go," as the Thunderbirds used to say. I was 10 mm--they like to see at least 8--with an ideal triple stripe pattern. There I go, overachieving again. So, where does this leave us? Well, tonight was my last shot. Barring gestational diabetes that needs insulin, I am all done with self-injections. Can I get a Woo Hoo?! Tomorrow I start progesterone, Tuesday I start antibiotics and steroids, and Thursday is our "professional installation." Being our last round, this is a pretty big week for us.
As it turns out, it's also a very emotional week for other reasons, as I rejoice and mourn for myself and several of my friends. On the joyous side, one friend will have her first ultrasound this week and get her first view of her baby(ies?). On the difficult side of things, Thursday would have marked 35 weeks with Oliver and will also be the anniversary of another friend's miscarriage.
It is a reminder to me that joys can be tinged with sadness. But I also remember that joys can feel so much greater when they come after experiencing so much adversity. So this week, as I prepare for my last chance at becoming a biological mother, I will lift up in prayers and celebrate strong women everywhere. Women who have experienced infertility. Women who are denied the children they so desperately want. Women who have lost children too soon, at whatever time and whatever age. Women who have provided for their children as best they know how by giving them a life with someone else. Women who have raised children without help from families or community. Women caring for special needs children. Women struggling with their own chronic or terminal illness while trying to meet the needs of their children. Women doing the best they can with the life they have been given.
And whether this week brings joy, or sorrow, or some of both, I know that I will get through it. Because the one lesson I have learned over and over--as I struggled with infertility, gave myself shots, weathered my daughter's health issues, and survived a miscarriage--is that I am so much stronger than I ever thought possible. And so, as I go into this week of sorrow and joy, of beginnings and endings, of life and death, I will find peace in the knowledge that I am strong enough, come what may.
Showing posts with label strong women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strong women. Show all posts
9.16.2012
3.12.2012
A Grief Divided
There is an old saying that has come in many forms, but boils down to: A joy shared is a joy multiplied; a grief shared is a grief divided. I have come to understand this "proverb" a little better this week in two ways.
First, I found out that my blog has helped several people dealing with similar issues. I was so pleased to hear this because that was one of the purposes of my blog. Although the main purpose was to have a place to get my feelings out so that I could deal with them, opening the dialogue so that other women did not have to feel alone has always been part of this process. So, even though my blog posts don't usually generate a hundred hits, the fact that it is helping someone is wonderful news to me.
On the flip side, I have been blessed and humbled to read blog posts by other women who experienced loss that, in retrospect, seems so much more difficult than what I faced. I am amazed at their strength and grateful that they took the time to share their grief with the world because, just as my stories have helped others, their stories have helped me. They are both women who had the courage and hope to try pregnancy again after having stillborn children.
Here are their stories:
Erica Crum - Remembering Kinley
Lucy - What I Never Knew I Wanted
One of the things I have struggled with as I consider whether I am willing to try again is, how do I not be anxious? How do I experience joy when I know it can be gone in an instant? At what point will it be "safe" to prepare for the child?
Recently, I heard another story about a baby born at 27 weeks to a couple who had undergone infertility treatments for several years. The baby weighed less than 2 pounds and had severe medical issues. All of these stories together made me realize something. There's never a safe month. Babies can miscarry, be stillborn, die shortly after birth, early in childhood, as teenagers, young adults, or adults. They can die from medical problems, accidents, or other people's intentional bad acts. There is nothing safe about trying to bring another life into the world and there is no point at which the loss does not hurt. The trick is in finding the joy in each day, loving them as hard as you can, as much as you can, every moment you have them. This truth was shown to me in the most recent post from Erica Crum in which she stated:
First, I found out that my blog has helped several people dealing with similar issues. I was so pleased to hear this because that was one of the purposes of my blog. Although the main purpose was to have a place to get my feelings out so that I could deal with them, opening the dialogue so that other women did not have to feel alone has always been part of this process. So, even though my blog posts don't usually generate a hundred hits, the fact that it is helping someone is wonderful news to me.
On the flip side, I have been blessed and humbled to read blog posts by other women who experienced loss that, in retrospect, seems so much more difficult than what I faced. I am amazed at their strength and grateful that they took the time to share their grief with the world because, just as my stories have helped others, their stories have helped me. They are both women who had the courage and hope to try pregnancy again after having stillborn children.
Here are their stories:
Erica Crum - Remembering Kinley
Lucy - What I Never Knew I Wanted
One of the things I have struggled with as I consider whether I am willing to try again is, how do I not be anxious? How do I experience joy when I know it can be gone in an instant? At what point will it be "safe" to prepare for the child?
Recently, I heard another story about a baby born at 27 weeks to a couple who had undergone infertility treatments for several years. The baby weighed less than 2 pounds and had severe medical issues. All of these stories together made me realize something. There's never a safe month. Babies can miscarry, be stillborn, die shortly after birth, early in childhood, as teenagers, young adults, or adults. They can die from medical problems, accidents, or other people's intentional bad acts. There is nothing safe about trying to bring another life into the world and there is no point at which the loss does not hurt. The trick is in finding the joy in each day, loving them as hard as you can, as much as you can, every moment you have them. This truth was shown to me in the most recent post from Erica Crum in which she stated:
Today, I'm 29 weeks pregnant, the same day in pregnancy that Kinley was born. Every single day from now on is a day longer than I got to have with Kinley. Thank you Lord for the blessing of each and every day with her for years and years to come!!!!!This, to me, is an amazing affirmation of living in the moment and taking joy in each day. We never know how long we, or our children, will be in this world. So let's all make sure we make the most of it.
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