Finding Peace Amid Sorrow and Joy

Last week, I went for my ultrasound to make sure everything was on schedule for my FET this week.  It was all good news and we "are go," as the Thunderbirds used to say.  I was 10 mm--they like to see at least 8--with an ideal triple stripe pattern.  There I go, overachieving again.  So, where does this leave us?  Well, tonight was my last shot.  Barring gestational diabetes that needs insulin, I am all done with self-injections.  Can I get a Woo Hoo?!  Tomorrow I start progesterone, Tuesday I start antibiotics and steroids, and Thursday is our "professional installation."  Being our last round, this is a pretty big week for us.

As it turns out, it's also a very emotional week for other reasons, as I rejoice and mourn for myself and several of my friends.  On the joyous side, one friend will have her first ultrasound this week and get her first view of her baby(ies?).  On the difficult side of things, Thursday would have marked 35 weeks with Oliver and will also be the anniversary of another friend's miscarriage.

It is a reminder to me that joys can be tinged with sadness.  But I also remember that joys can feel so much greater when they come after experiencing so much adversity.  So this week, as I prepare for my last chance at becoming a biological mother, I will lift up in prayers and celebrate strong women everywhere.  Women who have experienced infertility.  Women who are denied the children they so desperately want.  Women who have lost children too soon, at whatever time and whatever age.  Women who have provided for their children as best they know how by giving them a life with someone else.  Women who have raised children without help from families or community.  Women caring for special needs children.  Women struggling with their own chronic or terminal illness while trying to meet the needs of their children.  Women doing the best they can with the life they have been given.

And whether this week brings joy, or sorrow, or some of both, I know that I will get through it.  Because the one lesson I have learned over and over--as I struggled with infertility, gave myself shots, weathered my daughter's health issues, and survived a miscarriage--is that I am so much stronger than I ever thought possible.  And so, as I go into this week of sorrow and joy, of beginnings and endings, of life and death, I will find peace in the knowledge that I am strong enough, come what may.