10.08.2010

Be Careful What You Wish For

We've all heard it said--be careful what you wish you, you just might get it. For me, it's not the fervent wishes I make over and over with my whole heart that come true. No, it's the off-handed little wish I make on the spur of the moment and never think about again. In fact, it usually turns out that I didn't think enough about it at the time I made it, either.

The best example of this is from my time in college. I was having a rough week. Okay, a rough few months. I really wanted to be able to opt out for a little while, so I made a small wish. Not a "real" wish. Just one of those, off-the-cuff, spur-of-the-moment thoughts we've all had, only I really meant it when I made it. I wished for an appendicitis. Yes, I thought this would be the simple answer to my problems. A quick trip to the hospital, an easy fix, and a few days off. I never really believed it would happen. It was just one of those thoughts. And I totally forgot about it after I did it. Flash forward two years. Boom! I get a ruptured appendix along with a week stay in the hospital and months of recuperation afterwards. I got what I wished for alright, but not when I wanted it, or how I wanted it. Worse, I had no idea until, oh, last year, that "getting" my wish had caused infertility. Needless to say, I got a lot more than I bargained for with my wish. Had I but known, I would have been much more careful about what I put out there.

You would think that I would learn a lot from that experience. And you would be mostly right. But that doesn't stop me from being stupid. See, it turns out that, much like wishes, prayers often work in ways you don't expect. For example, if you pray for patience, you don't magically receive patience. Instead, you receive lots of opportunities to develop and practice patience. Not exactly what you want when you're already frustrated and low on patience.

So really, I ought to have known better--I mean really, really known better--before I informed family, friends, the universe, God, and whomever else, that part of why I wanted to have children was to learn how to go with the flow and be less of a control freak. Because that's precisely what is driving me crazy right now about GD and my daughter's "due" date. I am so not the one in control. Turns out, there was nothing I could do to prevent the GD. Structuring my diet didn't work. Taking insulin this week has resulted in only 1 good fasting number and some good after-meal numbers, but nothing that I can hang my hat on. For goodness sake, I ate a brilliant low-carb dinner this evening with all the food groups but dairy, and ended up with a frickin' 134! I am not in control of my body. No matter what I do, I can't make it do what it's supposed to. And this frustrates me to the very core of my being.

On top of it all, there's this whole thing about the baby coming when she's ready. This makes it hard to plan maternity leave and get all my ducks in a row. How will I know how much leave time I will have saved up? How do I know when to call the disability insurance people so I can get the paperwork started so my doctor's office can fill it out and get it back to me in time when I don't know when the disability will actually start? Will my daughter be here before Thanksgiving when all the family comes to visit, or will she wait? Will she come too early--like in the next 25 days or so, before she's considered term? Now that I have GD and am on insulin, will I be allowed to progress past my due date, or will they induce me? Too many questions, not enough answers or control.

Also, I have discovered that I am more frightened of natural birth than I am of a C-section. Why? For starters, I have had enough abdominal surgery in my lifetime that a C-section feels like the known entity while natural birth is the scary unknown. But, I know deep down it's also that C-sections are controlled. In some cases, they are scheduled, so you even know when they will be. How great is that for a compulsive planner, right? There's also no big mystery of how long will it take (about an hour), what will it feel like, will it hurt, etc. And it is precisely for all of these reasons that I'm fairly certain I will not end up having one. Because for me to truly experience this lack of control that I requested, I have to experience the surprise of labor and delivery on my daughter's terms. She picks when and how long and how hard and everything else. I requested the opportunity to learn to go with the flow and that is precisely what I got. No matter how frustrated and infuriated I get with these issues, this is, in fact, what I signed up for. I really ought not be surprised.

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