Less than three years ago, I was in a period of exile, angry at God and the world, struggling to understand my infertility, and wondering if and how I would ever have children. God took me from exile by blessing me with Lil' Bit. Frustratingly, exile returned as we coped with her medical condition and surgery, although we also felt many blessings during that time as well. Blessings overflowed as she got better and we achieved pregnancy again. Alas, exile returned with the loss of Oliver. But, as I have mourned the loss of Oliver this last month, occasionally, I remembered to give thanks for Lil' Bit. See, these last 16 months with her made it easy to forget that once I wasn't sure if I would ever have any children.
And so, as I struggle to reconcile my emotional need for additional children with the knowledge that, with Lil' Bit's needs, I don't know that I would be a good parent if I had more, I try to remember God's presence. I remind myself that it is there, regardless of whether I can see it or feel it. And, as frustrating as it is, I try to relinquish control; to let go and let God. I try to let His will be done, whatever that is. And I try to remember to give thanks for all that He has already done for me.
Which brings me back to Passover. As I understand it (since it's not my tradition), at Passover, there is a song that is often sung called Dayenu, which means, roughly, it would have been enough. Each of the stanzas of the song celebrate what God has done and are followed by "dayenu." Any of these things would have been enough, but God did so much more. And as I reflect, I realize that the same is true for me. Which brings me to my own, personal, Dayenu:
It would have been enough...if He had brought me out of a bad marriage.
It would have been enough...if He had led me to Phil.
It would have been enough...if He had provided a full scholarship to law school.
It would have been enough...if He had led me to the job of my dreams.
It would have been enough...if He had granted me children.
And He did. He granted me Lil' Bit. And so, ultimately, if she is all I get, she is enough. She is more than enough. She is dayenu.