Ordinary Time

Yesterday, we met with our fertility doctor.  He was sad on our behalf.  Apparently, he had not had any concerns.  His words were, "I really thought you had this one."  According to him, doubling rates over 48 hours in a healthy pregnancy run from roughly 65% to 130%, so my 80% was totally in the zone.  He advised that miscarriages that early are almost always from a chromosomal abnormality.  I asked whether we needed to test the other embryos and he said that testing actually damages them, so they don't do any testing.  He didn't think we needed to change anything and we still have plenty of "really good quality embryos left" if we want to try again.  I have to have an ultrasound next week to make sure there are no remaining "products of conception."  My bloodtest today showed an hCG level of 13.  I have to have another one next Friday, at which points they expect it will have finally returned to a number less than 5 (meaning negative for pregnancy).

In the event we decide to try again, the earliest we could do another procedure would be sometime in May, understanding that my body is setting the timetable.  We have to wait for my body to go through one complete cycle.  Assuming that happens in the next 28 days, we could then count forward 21 days into the subsequent cycle to begin taking shots to shut down my system.  After roughly two weeks of shots (I think it was 12 days last time), when another cycle starts, transfer would occur roughly 18 days thereafter.  So, assuming 28 days for the first cycle, then 21, then 12, then 18, we're talking mid-May.  If my body takes longer or shorter to get around to the first cycle, then early or late May.  But what all this calculating really means is that we have time.  Time to recover.  Time to think.  Time to reevaluate.  We have been given the opportunity to re-decide if this is what we really want--an opportunity people rarely receive.  I think it would be irresponsible if we didn't actually use it.

And so, after my ultrasound and blood test next week, I plan to enter ordinary time.  What is ordinary time?  In the liturgical calendar, there are seasons:  Lent, Easter, Pentecost, Advent, Christmas, Epiphany.  But between Pentecost and Advent, and between Epiphany and Ash Wednesday, the church has time to rest and relax.  It is not gearing up for any specific liturgical event.  These times are colloquially known as "ordinary" time.

So, as I try to figure out where I am, and Phil figures out where he is, and we figure out together where we are, I plan to enter ordinary time.  Time to recover from a big event.  Time when we are not planning for anything.  Time that I am not gearing up for the next thing.  Time to delight in Lil' Bit and all her new accomplishments.  Time to remember how much I love my job.  Time when I can just be and revel in my life as it is.  And, as I heal both physically and emotionally, we'll figure out what season of life comes next for us and being preparations for whatever that is.