Pink Elephants

You know the line. It's based on a phenomenon we have all experienced. Someone says, "Don't think of pink elephants" and the only thing you can think of is pink elephants. Even worse, each time you check in with your brain to make sure you aren't thinking about them, lo and behold, you are!

This is the best way I can describe the experience of the TWW. You do everything you can to not think about it (work helps), but once you have a free minute, it's the first thing you think about. My world is full of questions. Is it working? Is that a twinge? Is cramping normal? Is the fact that I'm tired all the time an early sign or just my body being worn out from all the shots and hormones? Did I eat the right things today? Have I done anything that I shouldn't have? Did having my shot a little early/late cause any problems? What will the results be? How will I handle them? Has sharing my journey entitled others to know the results as soon as I know them, or can I take time to process them (good or bad) before sharing? Even if it's positive, can I allow myself to get excited, or should I wait until after the first trimester when the chance of miscarriage is greatly reduced?

I have obsessively Googled how long implantation takes after transfer (this varies a great deal not only depending on whether you have a day 2/3 embryo transfer or a day 4/5 blastocyst transfer, but on each individual person) and what signs I might expect (any and everything including nothing at all). The truth is, after all the Googling, I have no answers; only more questions. So I have stopped Googling and am trying to ignore my body and just go about my day. It doesn't always work, but each morning I wake up, I'm one day closer to my Beta test. I may not be free of my pink elephant, but I learned that I don't have to feed it.