The Waiting Game

Well, hello, TWW.  We meet again.

And so, after my transfer on Thursday, I find myself with nothing to do but wait.  The worst part about the wait is wondering what every little cramp and twinge in your body means.  Sometimes, I wish cramps came with a little ticker/scroller with messages like:  no worries, it's just gas; get ready, your cycle's on its way; seek help, your appendix is about to burst; you're hungry, dummy; and so forth.  But, since nothing like that exists, I simply try not to focus on it, or, when I lose that battle, just breathe and know that I cannot change whatever is occurring and that I will accept whatever is to be.  Oh look, another lesson about lack of control.  SMH! (smack my head)

On the upside, the waiting is going much faster this time.  And do you know why?  Because I have a toddler!  Last time, it was me, Phil, and a long wait (not to mention daily shots!).  This time, there are meds to feed Lil' Bit, doctor's appointments, milestones to note, baths to give, books to read, snuggles and cuddles to enjoy, and time to share (and no shots!).  That doesn't meant the wait isn't bothering me.  Just that it's bothering me less this time around.

As for the hpt issue from my last post, I have decided to poas (that's short for pee on a stick) three times, max--most likely Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  My best tests are scheduled for the 13th and 15th.  The one from the 13th is to see if we're pregnant and the one on the 15th is to make sure the numbers are doubling appropriately.  If both tests go well, we go in March 1 for an ultrasound.

I also have a very different attitude about things this time around.  First, I'm more relaxed because, if the cycle isn't successful, it doesn't mean I'm not a parent; just that Lil' Bit doesn't get a sibling.  Already having one child makes a huge difference.  Second, I realized that I'm already pregnant.  Think about it.  In any natural cycle or IUI, there's a chance you don't ovulate, or that no fertilization takes place, or whatever.  We don't have that problem.  I know that there are two little embryos inside of me growing away.  Thus, to the extent that anybody is considered pregnant at this point, I am as pregnant as they are.  What the blood tests will tell me is whether I was able to sustain the pregnancy.  This perspective also recognizes that, if a cycle is unsuccessful, there was a loss of a child that did not come to be, the same as with any pregnancy loss--whether by chemical pregnancy; the lack of a heartbeat come first or subsequent ultrasound; a miscarriage; whatever.

So, this TWW, I am waiting for either the bloodtest or hpt to confirm a continued pregnancy.  And, in case you're wondering, don't expect the news right away.  Similar to last time, we'll probably keep the news to ourselves until both betas have been performed.