A Lack of Control

Things went well Monday, best I can tell. My doctor kept my meds at the same level for the next 3 days. I am scheduled for another ultrasound and blood work on Thursday morning. At Monday's visit, the ultrasound tech(nurse?) indicated that I had more than 7 follicles on my right ovary and she also found some on the left. She described them as "fair good-sized." I have refrained from asking how many I "should" have, what size they are/should be, and what my estradiol levels are/should be. The truth is, I can't do anything to change what's going on and I'm paying my doctor to know what he's doing. So, I am going to trust in the doctor and leave myself in the dark. It gives me fewer things to obsess about, and that's a good thing. But that doesn't mean it's easy for me to relinquish control.

Also in the losing control category, I've been on stims for 5 days now and I am well into the mood swings. I fly of the handle for small things or, even if it's something reasonable to be upset about, my response is way out of proportion. I haven't done much crying (although I have felt close a few times). Most of my problems stem from my temper. I am working hard to keep my stress levels down, but flying off the handle and getting angry is counter productive. The most frustrating part is that my rational mind knows I'm being unreasonable, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. I just have to ride the wave. I am getting better about saying fewer stupid things. I may be absolutely fuming, but I won't say a word until I am back under control. This is an amazing feat for me since I tend to have trouble keeping quiet about anything, but it keeps me from saying things I know I don't mean or will regret. It requires a lot fewer apologies. Needless to say, I have dipped into my bucket more frequently for candy and watched a lot more movies to make myself feel better and calm myself down, but it's definitely worth it.

Anyway, unless my body is super speedy, the most likely schedule is that I'll have ultrasounds and blood work done Thursday, Saturday and Monday, have a trigger shot on the 2nd, retrieval on the 4th and transfer on the 6th. Personally, I like this schedule because it only requires two days off of work. However, in some ways, I'd like for it to happen sooner, if only to get off stims! But, my new mantra is, it will be what it will be--both the process and the outcome. For now, I'm working on taking things a day at a time and taking pride in getting through each shot, each mood swing, each whatever. There's always a chance that, if we're successful, some of these lessons will transfer over to make me a better parent. Lord knows, once you have children, you are no longer in control. Perhaps it's better that I learn this lesson now.

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