To Pee or Not to Pee...

First, the update:  Today was my last shot.  Yay!  *happy dance*  I'm now four days from transfer.  Very exciting!  Tomorrow I drop my estrogen back to 2 per day and start progesterone 3 times a day.  Tuesday I add in some steroids and antibiotics and Thursday I get Valium :)   Have to set a lot of reminders on my phone to remember to take all these pills, but post-transfer I'm back to just 2--progesterone and estrogen.

Now, my conundrum.  Post-transfer, I am subjected to the tortuous two-week-wait (tww) while we wait to see if pregnancy is achieved.  Because I'm having an FET, I think it's merely a 12-day wait, but it still feels too long.  Anyway, the question is, should I just wait for the blood test, which will give me one, surefire answer?  Or should I try an HPT (home pregnancy test) at some point.  If I try an HPT, when should I try it?  Do I have the fortitude to see a negative?  But wouldn't it be so crazy to get to see a positive?  See, last time I didn't have this issue because with a "fresh" cycle, you take something called a trigger shot, which is HCG.  And, since HCG is what pregnancy tests pick up, you don't want to use an HPT because you can get a false-positive.  With a frozen cycle, there's no HCG shot, so no risk of false positive.  But, I have to go back to the first question I asked.  Do I have the fortitude to see a negative?  What if I just got 12 of them and peed on one every day.  Kind of like an experiment--what's the earliest pregnancy shows up (if there is one); do they get darker over time?  I know this sounds stupid, but I've never gotten to see a positive HPT.  Last time, I was afraid I would jinx things if I tried it, so I never did.  As hard as the 12-day wait is, I think it would be easier to just wait for the answer from the blood test.  But the whole experiment things seems so cool and it may be my only chance to try.

I still have a few days to decide.  So, what say you, dear readers?  Stick with the blood test?  Try an HPT?  Do more than one?  What would you do?

[And, for those of you dying for more information than you ever wanted to know about pee sticks, go here.]

More Than a Mommy

Several years ago, before becoming a mom, before my blog, before we even discovered we would need to consider IVF, I started a novel.  I was being diligent and required myself to average 300 words per day over the course of a week.  Sometimes, I would manage to write 1000 in a sitting and give myself two days off.  Other times, it was difficult to slog through to get my 300, but I was more or less consistent, and did a decent job keeping with my allotted pace.  Then life happened.  Things fell by the wayside and I stopped working on it. My good friend, who I had asked to read it, would gently, or sometimes not so gently, ask me when I would have more since she wanted to know what happened next.  But, somehow, I never got back to it.  She was quite understanding about the whole thing and gave me lots of time after Lil' Bit was born before asking again when I was going to write something.  I tried multiple times to get started, but I just couldn't get back into it.  So, like all the other times, I let it drop.

Last Sunday, she said something to me about it again.  This time, I think I was ready to hear it because I got back to it.  Really got back to it.  I have been working diligently this week and, in 4 days, I have written over 2500 words.  And, today, I finally crossed the 40,000 word threshold--the roughly half-way mark.  Yay!  I am extremely proud of myself.  But I found myself wondering one morning this week, why now?  What was the difference?  Is it because we finally have something resembling a routine where I have time to blog and write?  Yes, in part.  But I've had that for a while.  Was it because she mentioned it?  Sure, that's part of it, too.  But I honestly think what really made the change was something I was thinking about last week before she said anything.  I was thinking about the fact that I am more than a mom.  I know it doesn't seem like it.  Sure, when I talk to people at work, all I ever talk about is mom things.  And when I'm at home, most of what I do is mom stuff.  But, that is the nature of having a 14-month-old.  Nevertheless, I have to remember to take time out from being a mom to also be a wife to Phil and to exercise self-care.  And, one of the things that is self-care for me is writing.  It's why I love my job so much--I get to write every day!  [Phil says I do homework for a living, but homework was never as much fun as my job.  But I digress...]

So, as I work to remember who I am, I am trying to remember that, although she takes up huge portions of my time, energy, and income, I am more than Lil' Bit's mom (although that is likely my moniker for the next 18 years).  And, in an effort to keep remembering that I am more than a mommy, I have set myself the goal of having a completed rough draft by August of this year, so I can take it to Gen Con and get feedback from some folks at the Writer's Symposium there.  Today, I am working toward reclaiming myself as a whole--whether as wife, writer, attorney, or mom.

Mutant M

Unless you've just joined us, or have been hiding under a rock, you know I'm giving myself hormone injections.  As much as I am not a fan of giving myself shots, I must admit that I am still extremely lucky.  Why?  Because I don't seem to experience the side effects the way others do.  Yes, I got extremely emotional last time on the stims.  I went back and checked (thanks blog!) and, apparently, I got angry and irrational.  I'm not saying I don't experience any effects.  But, when I was originally researching IVF and what to expect, I was terrified of Lupron.  I read that it stung on injection, that it caused headaches, hot flashes, dizziness, nausea or vomiting, sleep issues, and all other types of issues.  Fortunately, neither last round nor this time have I had any such issues with the Lupron.  It never occurred to me that this was odd.  Every drug affects people differently and some people get side effects and others don't.  

And so it was, we were in to see my GP (general practitioner) last week for (yet another) ear infection.  I told him that we had elected to go forward with another cycle and that I was currently on Lupron injections.  He asked how the hormonal swings and other craziness was going and I said, "I don't seem to have any effects from it."  He looked over at Phil, as if seeking confirmation, in case this lack of symptoms was all in my head and I was actually a crazy woman.  "No, really," he reassured Dr. R.  "She's not having mood swings or anything."  Dr. R. looked back at me and pronounced me a "hormonal mutant."  After Phil and I finished giggling over this statement, I really wanted to ask whether Dr. R would certify my mutant status so I could qualify for the X-men.  After all, at heart, I remain a gamer and comic geek.

We Have a Plan

And there was much rejoicing (at least, by the piece of me that needs/yearns/longs to plan)!

I had my blood drawn this morning.  They were checking my estradiol (estrogen) level.  It needed to be under 25 and, as an overachiever, mine was 12.  I dutifully called the fertility center and left a message with the coordinator with all of the pertinent information.  She called me back and said I could start my additional meds today!  This is good news because it means:

• we're underway.  Always exciting!  
• I am, with minimal give or take, 17 days away from transfer day!  OMG!  That is freakishly soon!
• FEWER SHOTS!  Again, with minimal give or take, I now have only 14 shots left.  Can I get a "Woo Hoo"?!  That is like passing "Go" and collecting $200.  

Okay, now for the plus or minus caveats.  I am scheduled for an ultrasound on the 26th, at which point they will determine whether my lining is sufficient.  If not, they could push things out a little further, which would involve additional shots.  However, according to the doctor, it is unusual for things not to be spot on.  So, although there's a chance for a few additional shots and some pushback in the schedule, we're looking at a February 2 procedure.  As the person always thinking ahead, my first thought (and I'm sure your's too) was:  "What would this mean in terms of due date?"  I frantically scoured Google for the answer because, well, it's me.  It's what I do.  This really should shock none of you by now.  Anyway, the answer is, roughly October 22.  I say "roughly" not just because due dates are always estimates, but because I don't know exactly how the due date is calculated for an FET and the on-line FET calculators ask whether it's a 3-day or 5-day FET.  I *think* it will be considered a 3-day, but I don't know and, honestly, it isn't going to make that big a difference.  *Gasp*  Did I just say that?  Yes, I did.  Who am I?!  Well, likely, I'm still me because the truth of the matter is, they will tell me my "official" due date when the time comes, so this rough guesstimate is fine for now.

Finally, for those interested in the technical details:

• Today I started taking estradiol pills and tonight I will cut my Lupron (the shot) dosage in half.  
• The Lupron will stay the same, but the estradiol will increase on days 6 and 10.  
• On day 11, I have an ultrasound (the 26th for those paying attention from earlier).  
• If everything is fine, I continue the estradiol and Lupron 4 more days  (including the 26th, so through the 29th).
• On the 30th (day 15) drop Lupron altogether (NO MORE SHOTS), cut back on estradiol, and begin progesterone supplements.
• Day 18 (Feb 2)--Transfer day!

Now comes the hard part.  Now that we have a plan in place, I have to acknowledge I'm not in control!!  Gah!  Memo to me--plan does not equal control.  *Sigh*  At least I can maintain a semblance of control by making sure all my meds are timely.  Right?  Who's with me?  *crickets*  Fine.  But hey, we're on our way.  And not even my lack of control and burst that bubble today!  Woo Hoo!  

The Spanish Inquisition

[The following is a post that was started while in the hospital with Lil' Bit back in November.]

During my youth, I was quite enamored with Monty Python.  One of their signature bits is "The Spanish Inquisition," the tagline of which is, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."  I have always thought of it as a funny way to remember that although you can anticipate the unexpected, you are never really prepared for it.  And so it was, in the midst of all of the craziness going on in the hospital as we awaited our escape--I mean discharge--I received the opportunity to re-learn that, no matter how hard you try, you simply cannot plan for everything.

When we got ready to go to the hospital for Lil' Bit's surgery, I knew I would forget things.  I did my best to think of everything I could:  toys that were easy to clean for when she tossed them on the floor; multiple toys so we could introduce a new one each day to postpone boredom; blankets from home to comfort her; clothes for her return home; her favorite puffs, both for eating and distraction purposes.  And, all told, I did a great job--particularly considering that the stay doubled its original expected length and almost tripled.

What I forgot, however, is that she's a baby.  I was busy planning for everything related to surgery and recovery and everything that was different about this event.  What I forgot was the normal stuff.  And so it was, after several days of lots of fussiness, spitting up lots of mucus, and numerous other problems we hadn't expected, that we discovered that Lil' Bit was teething.  That's right teething.  Right in the middle of trying to figure out all this other crap, she went ahead and did what kids normally do around this time and began to sprout more teeth.  Did I think to bring any teethers?  Any orajel?  Heck no.  Teething was nowhere on my radar.  Teething, it turns out, is the Spanish Inquisition.  Who knew?

Dr. Seuss

In order to keep myself motivated, I have been posting the completion of each shot on my Facebook page.  My first statement was simply, "Shot one is done."  When I went to post about shot two, I decided I wanted to make them all rhyme for as long as I could.  Thus, I posted, "Shot two is through."  After shot four, a friend of mine asked whether this was a Dr. Seuss book.  I thought that was funny and irreverent and, therefore, the perfect thing for my blog.  And so, without further ado, I present to you:

Shots for Tots

Shot one is done.
Shot two is through.
How many self-shots can you do?

Shot three is history.
Shot four is out the door.
I can tell Phil didn't watch, he isn't on the floor.

I survived shot number five.
I kicked shot number six.
How much longer can I keep up with rhyming antics?

Shot seven tests my inner will.
Shot eight bring wishes for a pill.
Yet still I poke, and hope don't choke and, 'lo, improve my skill.

Still doing fine after shot nine.
Shot ten disturbed my zen.
But I press on, 'til meds are gone--again, again, again.

Eleven shots are now complete.
Shot twelve does not feel like a treat.
But for a baby on the way, these wretched shots are here to stay.

Unlucky thirteen's shot has come.
With fourteen we are halfway done.
It seems I cannot be more brief, and so we all wait for relief.

Shot fifteen turned out okay.
Shot sixteen has had its day.
But more shots come because until done my doctors I obey.

Although eighteen feels like the billionth,
at least we're in procedure month.

Nineteen, twenty, twenty-one
Would they be easier with a blowgun?

Twenty-two and three and four,
All the pain I must ignore.

Twenty-five and six and seven,
Almost done, that sounds like heaven.

Twenty-eight is finally here.
"No more shots," I shout and cheer.

Four more days until bed rest.
Then twelve more until blood test.

Shots are bad, but waiting's worse.
This whole thing feels like a curse.

If the phone call brings good news, I can go buy baby shoes!
If results are negative, moods will be much less festive.

But either way, I will have shown,
I'm so much stronger than I'd known.

And so concludes this counting tale.
Of what my FET entails.

And We're Off...

Well, I did it.  I just gave myself my first shot for this cycle.  It took a lot.  More than I expected.  Apparently, it made no difference that I had reached the point of being blase about giving myself shots by the end of the gestational diabetes thing.  Having had almost 14 months of not having to give myself a shot reverted me back to square one.  Well, not entirely square one--I knew I could do it.  I flinched when I did it, though.  Phil had come up to give me moral support and I couldn't do it with him watching.  Had to go to the other room.  But, I did it.  Yay!

I set up my calendar like last time and awarded myself my smiley-face reward.  I realized this evening that I have not yet made a feel better box.  I think part of why I forgot to make it is because of the sheer reduction in the number of injections I have to give myself.  We're looking at approximately 28 total shots.  That's like nothing compared to last time.  Still, I need to make my box soon because I know I will have hard days.  I will likely order most of its contents from Amazon because it's easier to have everything shipped to the house than go out shopping these days.  Don't know what I'll put in it this time, though.  No candy (drat!) as I am really trying to cut back on the chances of diabetes again and no books because I already have a stack a mile high that I can't seem to get around to.  Movies and clothes I suppose.  I'm open to suggestions.  But, I digress.  We're on our way!  Baby #2 (and 3?) here we come!

Baby Milestones

Yesterday, we had to switch Lil' Bit from her 12-month pajamas to her 18-month pajamas.  Incidentally, children's clothes seem to never actually fit.  They start out too big but, before you know it, they are are too small, so you move up a size to clothes that are once again too big.  So, the 18-month pajamas are a little large--although not as much as I would have expected.  When I look at them, they look huge, but once they are on, they don't look baggy.  Anyway, in the process of switching her pajamas out, I realized how much she has changed in the last 13-months.  She never ceases to amaze me with what she knows and I thought I would share some of that with you.  So, without further delay, here is a list of some of the changes we have witnessed in Lil' Bit:

-She has taken her first steps.  Although she still prefers to hang on to things, she can take one or two steps before toppling over.
-She is 98% able to crawl backwards down stairs.  The remaining 2% is figuring how to turn around at the top of the stairs and not getting confused half-way down and starting back up.
-She can look at a box to figure out if the top is open and, if it is, pop it open to see what is inside.  This helps her get her own Cheerios and cookies.
-She can pop lids off and on any puff container.
-She can mostly twist lids off and on her sippy fruit packages.
-She can drink from a straw.  She hasn't mastered regular sippy cups, but she loves to use those with straws.
-She working on the whole silverware thing.  Yesterday, she took her fork and kept dipping it in the yogurt and then licking it clean.  She will also pick up foods off her tray and stick them on the fork before sticking the fork in her mouth to eat it.
-She is great at mimicking.  When people laugh around her, she will laugh.  One of my favorites is when I took her hand to help her pet the kitty (rather than poke or grab it).  After a few strokes, she grabbed my thumb and moved my hand back and forth to help me pet the kitty.
-She loves pulling scrunchies out of my hair and then putting them on her own head--since she has no hair yet to put them on.
-She knows there are things she's not supposed to do and she gets a little twinkle in her eye before she tries to do them, often looking over at us to see whether we notice her about to do something she isn't supposed to.
-She has favorite games she likes to play, particularly those that involve lap bouncing and turning upside down. She will bounce to let you know she wants more, or throw herself backward to let you know she wants to go upside down again.

I can't wait to see what the next 13 months have in store.

[Title changed on 1/16/12 from "Milestones" to "Baby Milestones" after discovering a previous post with same title.  oops...]

Once More Into the Breach

When we last left our intrepid parents, they were traveling home from family visits with a tired, precocious 13-month-old, trying to recover from a rather eventful trip while discerning whether they were crazy enough to have additional children....

Before we get back to that part of the story, I have to confess that I there is a rather large piece of the equation regarding our decision to have additional children that I haven't shared, but is a driving force behind my feelings of urgency.  That is, once we're done having children, I'm having a hysterectomy.  My body and I have never really gotten along in this regard.  Whether it was ruptured ovarian cysts, extremely severe Mittelschmerz, endometriosis, or excessively long and heavy periods, I have always felt at war with myself.  My cycles started when I was 9 and I was on birth control by age 16 to regulate my body and stop the cysts.  However, you (generally) can't be on birth control and have kids.  So, those years we were trying to have kids, without success, were particularly difficult for me because I was experiencing horrible physical pain in addition to the crushing sensation of failure each month.

Once we got pregnant with Lil' Bit, I had a reprieve that lasted almost 6 months postpartum, but it all came back with a vengeance.  There had been a chance that my system would regulate itself and some of the issues would be gone.  Sadly, it was not to be and each month I wait for the pain to begin all over again.  Every month that we postponed having another child was another month of agony for me.  I wasn't ready to say "no," however, because I knew that once we made that decision, it would foreclose the possibility for good.  And so I struggled.  I wanted to make sure we made the best decision we could for our family, but I desperately wanted to stop the pain which meant either having kids now, or foreclosing the possibility for good.

So, with that additional background, we find ourselves again in the middle of yet another discussion regarding additional children.  Only, it went nothing like I expected.  Today was our "drop dead" date for a February procedure because I would have to start shots tomorrow.  With that in mind, as we were driving home on Monday, I asked Phil whether he would prefer if we just skipped February.  In my mind, I was offering him more time to consider our options, the same way I had when I asked if he wanted to postpone the cycle from a January procedure.  So, imagine my surprise when the first words out of his mouth were, "I think I'm okay with February."  After I recovered from the mental whiplash I suffered upon processing his answer, I said something to the effect of, "Me, too."  Although I certainly had not been expecting that answer, I knew it was what I wanted, so I was going to take him at his word and get the ball rolling.

Still, I wondered how had we gotten here?  Only days before, we had both been leaning heavily toward not.  I can't speak for Phil, but I know what changed for me.  Mainly, I discovered that some part of my brain had been miscalculating the equation.  In the midst of all the frustrating and stressful parts of parenting, some piece of me got the idea that the difference between 2 kids and 1 was the same as between 1 and 0.  It isn't.  Once you have the first, stress and frustration are a given.  Not having a second child was not going to make my life stress-free.  Lil' Bit would still get on my nerves and warm my heart and do all of the things she does now, regardless of whether we had additional children.  Once my mind finally accepted that life was going to be stressful no matter which way we went, I was freed up to say "yes."

I also realized that one of the reasons I would like another child is the chance to pay better attention.  When Lil' Bit came along, we had no idea what we were doing as parents.  Everything was new and I was exhausted and overwhelmed.  Now, I fully expect that there will be periods where I am exhausted and overwhelmed if there are additional children in our future.  But, I get the chance to pay attention; to watch the baby grow and learn.  To love the newborn when all it is is a lump that needs so much love and attention.  I have spoken to or read accounts from many families where parents take great joy in the third or fourth child because they know it will be their last and so they savor every moment.  I want to do that.  I want to savor the moments because, chances are, this will be it.  And, I want to watch both Lil' Bit and the possible future children grow into fully-functioning adults.  I want to see who they become and watch how that happens.  I want to see how they are different and how they are the same.  I want to see them interact as siblings.  I can honestly say that I want to have additional children for those children.

In addition, I realized that the 1-year follow-up visits for Lil' Bit aren't set in stone.  Medicine is flexible.  If and when we get pregnant and have a due date, we can alert the doctors and make sure the visits occur either prior to my due date, or get any number of friends to help us out if we have a newborn or two to deal with.  Either way, we can manage it.  I have every faith in my ability to schedule and plan that we can make it work.

Suddenly, *poof*, like magic, all of the problems didn't seem like problems anymore.  And the decision felt right.  Unlike the overwhelming sensation of drowning I had when we were looking at a January procedure, I have mostly a sense of calm about a February procedure.  (I say mostly because I must admit to being slightly anxious about starting shots again tomorrow).

So, there you have it.  The long of it (because there really is no short here), is that we have decided to go ahead with a frozen cycle--starting tomorrow!--resulting in an early February procedure and the potential for an Oct/Nov baby.  Let's see what happens, shall we?